It seems that lately I am always apologizing for my lack of blog posts. This one has been spiraling in my head for a while. I just wasn't ready to make it official. (Heck, I'm still not sure I am...)
Since my last post, lots has happened...
My school's Drama Club, for which I am 1 of 3 advisors, put on two very successful performances of Seussical, Jr.! The kids worked their tails off, and the proof was in the pudding. Both shows were packed, and both shows received standing ovations! Amazing doesn't begin to describe the group of kids we were working with this year...
My mother had surgery to remove her thyroid. The biopsy came back as cancer. In terms of cancers, this one is highly curable. I am really not worried. The news was just one more stressor to add to my pile, and it really didn't have that much to do with a "cancer diagnosis". It is more about how my mother handles/reacts to situations. She is very emotionally "needy". THAT is what adds stress for me. (Maybe some other day I will divulge information about our broken relationship, including how she offered to help us fund a second IVF and when the push came to shove last July/August when we had the perfect opportunity to convert our IUI to an IVF and I called her, she acted as if she never made that offer and told me to get a second job to pay for it.) Let's just say that we don't have a very typical mother/daughter relationship, and we never will have one.
At work, I had 13 CSE (Committee on Special Education) meetings all in the same week. For each meeting, I had to write an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for each student. Each document takes me approximately 3 hours to complete from start to finish. That includes completing a 1:1 interview with each student, collecting and organizing data, conferencing with the parent(s), and writing the document (which includes a narrative section describing academic, social and physical current levels of performance, testing data, strengths and weaknesses, a transition section outlining post secondary goals and transition activities, annual goals towards which instruction will be geared, as well as program accommodations and testing modifications which all must have evidence to support the recommendation). After I create a "draft" IEP, the committee convenes and holds a meeting to discuss everything in the document. The committee consists of our Director of Special Education, current and future school psychologist, student, parent(s), general education teacher, current and future guidance counselors, and myself. My students are transitioning to HS in the fall, so my meetings always take a little longer and involve more people. I schedule the meetings 1-hour apart, which means we can get through 6 in a day. They also often run over the allotted time. Then, after each meeting, I have to go in and add/delete/change anything in the document which evolves from our discussions at the meeting. Because IEP's are legal documents, I take writing them very seriously. I like to be sure all my T's are crossed and I's are dotted. And because my meetings are always held at Central Office (with our Director), I feel the pressure even more so. Now that the meetings are over, I have to make new data collection sheets for the new goals and begin to track data towards those new goals. I feel like so much more of my job these days is data-collecting and testing rather than actually teaching. Sadly, the kids feel the same way.
My grandmother is not taking care of her diabetes as well as she should. My aunt is a very Type-A personality, and is easily stressed about it. My stance? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. If she doesn't care enough about her own health to make changes, what can I do? I told my grandmother to choose a recipe or two from her diabetic cookbook, and we would make them together. It has been almost a month, and every time I call her, she responds by telling me she was "just about to look through the cookbook". I refuse to do it for her. I'm not going to enable her helpless behavior. (For the record - she is FAR from helpless.)
The cherry on the shit-sundae was two weeks ago when I was t-boned by a deer about 3 miles from my house. I had to climb out the passenger side as my driver door wouldn't open. Neither driver side door would open. In the end, the damage totaled just shy of $3,000. In a nutshell, the entire driver side needs to be replaced. Oh, and did I mention that we have a $2,000 deductible? Yea. Really.
Needless to say, my stress level hit what I would call an all-time high this past month. Leading me to seek out support from my counselor. I've been to see her once, and have another appointment scheduled. I am still not on my depression medication, and I feel as if I am just barely hanging in there. My anxiety is causing physical symptoms. I'm waiting to see if this week off from work helps calm the chest pain, racing heart, and palpitations down. If not, I will schedule an appointment to deal with that. I'm not opposed to going back on my medication. I am paying extra close attention right now.
I don't know how to transition into the next bit of information I am about to share - so I will just come out and say it. I am closing the door on our infertility journey. I'm not locking it (I wanted to slam and lock it, but my counselor suggested I simply close it but keep it unlocked for the time being and make more final decisions later on), but I can't remain in limbo by keeping it open right now. Without going into too many details, there are many factors coming into play that surround this decision. (If anyone has some extra money they are looking to part with - feel free to write me a check!) Seriously though, money isn't the only factor in this decision. There are so many factors swirling around in my head. We are in a very different place than we were 5+ years ago when we decided to seek out more aggressive treatments. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and make sense of them all before "publishing" them in black and white.
But, having shared this information, let me tell you this - if you even think for one hot second that I must "not want a child bad enough if I'm willing to close the door", you couldn't be more wrong. So wipe that thought out of your head. Our decision is a very personal one. And I don't need to worry about what others are thinking about this decision. I don't need to feel that others are judging us. If you can't simply support me during what is sure to be a very difficult road ahead while I look to heal and move forward, then unfriend me.
Right now, my immediate goal is to replace infertility related habits with non-fertility related ones. For example, I come to my blog everyday to read updates from the other infertility and pregnant after infertility blogs I follow. I can't do that anymore. So, if there are blogs you are following through mine, I suggest you bookmark them on your computer as I will be removing some of my blog lists. (If you are one of the ones I remove - please know it isn't personal; it is simply necessary self-preservation.) I removed myself from a couple of Facebook groups I belonged to that were centered around infertility. I'm slowly going to regain control and confidence in my life and the path I am choosing to take moving forward.
Please, if you are a friend of someone who has struggled with infertility or have struggled yourself, remember that not all infertility battles end with a child. Some people battle and beat it, while others succumb/choose to live as a (hopefully) happy family minus children. I will accept that my existence is more than the sum of my eggs and his sperm.
I read a piece on another blog about starting over.
Step 1: Don't live in the past.
Step 2: Accept starting over as part of your journey.
Step 3: Embrace the adventure.
Step 4: Believe that something better will come.
"Ultimately, the Art of Starting Over begins and ends with a giant embrace of what’s possible."
The Subtle Art of Starting Over
What is possible for me/us? I don't know, but I do intend to embrace every.single.possibility.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to those of you who choose to stand by my side following my journey while I embrace my new adventure.
