Just another day filled with fear...

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt

These past couple of weeks since being canceled have been a rollercoaster of emotions. One day, I feel better and ready to face my next cycle. Then, the next day I feel like crawling under a rock again. I can't stand this rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm also filled with so many more fears than before. Now that I've been canceled, I will worry about this happening again, which will bring added stress to each future cycle. I have the added stress of no more insurance coverage for medication. Fortunately, I do have meds stock piled, but what if I still run out before achieving pregnancy?

I'm so tired of everyone telling me "at least you can get pregnant" or" we know that sperm and egg can meet, we just need to get it in the right spot". Great. As if being pregnant with two ectopics was better than never being pregnant at all. Now, I have one tube and had to have surgery to unblock the other. Which is yet another worry. What if that tube reblocks itself? Polyps form, and it could happen again. So each failed cycle I worry that the tube is blocked again.

I guess all I can do is hope that heartache is behind me. I want to move forward with strength, determination, patience and hope. Strength to recognize what I can and cannot control. Determination to remain in a positive mindset. Patience to realize that everything has to happen in its own time. And hope that we will bring home a baby in 2012.

Wordless Wednesday

Choose Hope by joykeeper via Etsy

Stress Free Infertility...

...as if THAT is possible, right?!?! Talk about an oxymoron.

I came across this blog, Stress Free Infertility the other day and thought I'd share a post from there with ideas on how to be "stress free" through infertility.

100 Ways to Be Stress Free Through Infertility!

1. Blog!

2. Do acupuncture

3. Meditate

4. Go to a support group

5. Go to fertility counseling or coach

6. Go to a life coach

7. Vent to/get support from family and friends

8. Go seek answers or support on message boards

9. Find support through groups on Facebook or Twitter

10. Keep a journal

11. *Take a walk outside

12. *Walk on a treadmill

13. *Take a spin class

14. *Bike outside

15. *Ride an elliptical machine

16. *Take a Pilates class

17. *Do Pilate’s at home

18. *Do yoga at home

19. *Do yoga at the beach

20. *Take a (fertility) yoga class

21. Window shop

22. Shoe shop

23. Clothes shop

24. Shop for Home Decor items

25. Shop for books, music, or movies

26. Go to the mall or outlet center

27. Shop on-line

28. Shop with family (mom, sister, SIL, hubby, etc.)

29. Shop with friends

30. **Window Shop for baby items (Only if this doesn’t cause more stress)

31. Drink plenty of water

32. Drink hot herbal tea

33. Eat organically

34. Eat healthy meals

35. Take a nap

36. Get at least 8 hours of sleep

37. Say a positive affirmation every day

38. Take a hot shower

39. ***Take a bath

40. Put your feet up

41. Read this blog

42. Read other IF blogs

43. Read updates on Twitter

44. Read updates on Facebook-(infertility related or from IF groups)

45. Read inspirational poetry

46. Read your favorite authors

47. Read infertility memoirs

48. Read information from infertility books (Knowledge is power!)

49. Read a good love story

50. Read a book that has been turned into a movie

51. Go to the movies

52. Watch a feel-good movie at home

53. Watch a comedy

54. See a movie in IMAX

55. Watch your favorite TV shows

56. Watch videos on You Tube

57. Go to a Comedy Club

58. Go to an Amusement Park

59. Watch the sunrise

60. Watch the sunset

61. Play a board game

62. Play a game on-line

63. Play a video game

64. Play a game on your phone or P.D.A

65. Host a game night with friends

66. Go out for a game night

67. Go to a fair to play games & win prizes

68. Watch your favorite sports on TV

69. Go to a local pub to watch the game

70. Go see your favorite team play LIVE!

71. Listen to a visualization CD

72. Listen to soothing, relaxing nature sounds

73. Listen to a playlist of slow, relaxing songs

74. Listen to your favorite artist/band

75. Listen to a playlist of your favorite uplifting songs

76. Go to a concert

77. Go to a local place for live music

78. Go to a music festival

79. Create/play your own music

80. Have a party with a music genre as the theme

81. Go on a date with your significant other

82. Go out to dinner with your significant other (or with friends)

83. Go to a Bed & Breakfast with your significant other

84. Go on a picnic with your significant other (or with friends)

85. Take a getaway for the weekend/week with your significant other

86. Take a drive with your significant other (or with friends)

87. Take a cruise with your significant other (or with friends)

88. Go dancing with your significant other (or with friends)

89. Go to a friend’s house with your significant other

90. Be intimate with your significant other

91. Get a manicure

92. Get a pedicure

93. Get a facial

94. Get a massage

95. Get reflexology

96. Get your hair done

97. Get your make-up done

98. Go to a spa for a weekend or a vacation

99. Have a girl’s pampering day

100. Go relax at the beach for some sun therapy

*All of these exercises are low-impact. Consult a doctor if you wish to participate and listen to your doctor’s advice about whether you should exercise or not during a (medicated) cycle.

**This is not meant to upset anyone! I realize this may of course be hard for you! I happen to really enjoy the planning, and picking out and actually buying a few things before becoming pregnant. You may not. If it bothers you, please disregard!

*** Listen to your doctor’s advice about this. Some doctors advise against baths after a certain time in your cycle (like after an embryo transfer or IUI). And the same goes for hot tubs. Please use your best judgement!

I blog, go to acupuncture, meditate and go to a support group (the top four) regularly, so I should be heading in the direction of "stress free". I also plan on getting a manicure and pedicure in the next two weeks. (I found a GREAT deal for $25 (regularly $65) on http://seizethedeal.com.) I also need to get my hair done before school starts. While I'm not sure if I will be stress-free after all of this, I'm sure I will feel a little better.

Enjoy your day! Do something nice for yourself today! (Even if it is laying in bed all day!)

Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

Control

Don't Forget to Make Today Awesome by Anita Ashfield-Salter via Etsy



Hello friends. I'm happy to report that today I find my self feeling a little better than previous days. I spent the day with my husband, who inevitably makes me laugh over the stupidest things!


I saw the psychologist who runs my support group yesterday. I realized while talking with her that I am in control of how I react to things around me, including my infertility. She suggested that I really think about and list the things I can and can't control. When I think about it, I do tend to really stress about things I have no control over. While it really feels like you have control over your body while doing infertility treatments, this canceled cycle has forced me to realize I don't. And I cannot stress about that. I need to let my body do what it does, and keep working towards being healthier and feeling well emotionally. These things, I CAN control! I also can control what I choose to do to help me cope and feel better! And something I am choosing to do is to remind myself each morning that I need to be sure to make today awesome!


In the coming week, I look forward to lunch at Red Lobster with my mother, aunt and gram for Gram's birthday. I also look forward to time with friends and acupuncture. I especially look forward to some pool time! School will be starting in two weeks, so I need to make the best of the vacation I have left!


Remember, YOU have the power to make today really awesome!

Making Babies

I recently came across the Making Babies program. Along with the book, there is an online quiz that will give you information about your fertility type. According to the quiz, I am STUCK and TIRED. Sounds just like me!

Some advice for my type(s):

STUCK

SYMPTOMS:
Stressed out, easily angered
Tension headaches, nervous stomach, high blood pressure, or muscle tightness
PMS Symptoms including breast tenderness and mood swings, painful periods, irregular cycles, clotted menstrual blood.

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Endometriosis
Fibroids
Uterine polyps
PMS
Mittelschmerz (pain during mid-cycle)

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
The tightness of the Stuck type stems from poor energy and blood flow throughout the body, or what is referred to as qi and blood stagnation. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the reproductive system, which can cause ovulation problems and inflexible fallopian tubes. Blood stagnation can cause painful or stop-and-start periods, and can lead to reproductive system obstructions such as endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and cysts.

ADVICE
Regular aerobic exercise
Plenty of fiber
Stress reduction
Hot water with lemon in the morning
Complex carbohydrates
Avoid soy products
Avoid alcohol

SUPPLEMENTS:
Zinc (especially premenstrually)
B-complex vitamins
Magnesium
Calcium

TIRED

SYMPTOMS:
Often feels weak or lethargic
Prone to getting sick
Gets out of breath and sweats easily, gains weight
Poor appetite
Prone to bloating, gas, and loose stools
Low sex drive
Short luteal phase
Feels cold: hands, feet


WESTERN MEDICINE:
Hypothyroid
Low progesterone
Luteal phase defect
Metabolic disorders


TCM PERSPECTIVE:
This type is called kidney “yang” deficiency in TCM, and reflects a broader hormonal imbalance going beyond reproductive hormones and encompassing the thyroid, adrenals, and pituitary gland. Weakness in these systems affects metabolism, circulation, and thus reproduction.


ADVICE
More animal Protein
Avoid raw and cold foods
Alcohol in moderation
Consume warming soups and stews, and spices: cinnamon,
ginger, cayenne, turmeric, cardamom, cloves, cumin
Regular moderate exercise


SUPPLEMENTS:
Royal jelly
Wheat grass
Chromium (boosts metabolism by enhancing the action of insulin)
L-arginine
Chasteberry (helps sustain post-ovulatory progesterone)

I'm interested to get further into the book, which I downloaded on my Nook. I'm very curious to learn more about this program!

4 days later...

4 days after being canceled I am still devastated. It is after 1pm here and I am still in bed. I have no desire to get out of bed today. I woke up this morning and my chest and stomach ached with sadness. This sadness is so deep. I've been crying all morning, and when I think there are no tears left, I cry some more.


I called the psychologist who runs our support group today to make an appointment. I will see her on Thursday at noon. I really hope she is able to help me process these emotions and ultimately, feel better. This is the saddest I have felt on this entire TTC journey. I think it is all finally catching up with me. I definitely cannot go on like this much longer...

Book Club

So, my friends from my infertility support group future moms club started a book club. We've been meeting once a month, and it seems to me that we really were just looking for another excuse to get together during the month since I'm not sure there has been one month we have all actually read the book.

I love spending time with the girls, and always feel sad when our time together comes to an end.

Next month's book - The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Looks to be a good read...

In other news, I spoke with the nurse from my doctor's office today and we will add an additional vial of meds right off the bat next cycle. I will start stimming on day three with 4 vials. We are hoping this will give me more follicles (with the hope some will be on the R side), but at the same time not overstimulate me. Holding on to hope, it is all I can do...

Smurf-tastic friends!!

I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have. I truly couldn't ask for better friends.

Through my struggle with infertility, I've made several new friends. In September 2010, I began to attend the support group my infertility clinic offers. It took only a couple meetings before we were exchanging e-mails and phone numbers. Our little group has grown through the months, and we count ourselves really lucky to have each other.

On Saturday, as I felt even crappier and more recluse, a one of these friends offered to hang out. Initially, I declined. But then the more I thought about it, I knew I had to drag my ass off the couch and do something. So, just as I was about to call her, my phone rang. She just knew I needed an ear. We ended up going to movies to see The Smurfs, and had dinner after. It was JUST what I needed. Thank you friend! It was smurf-arific!

Throw them at people...

I don't feel like making lemonade today. In fact, I don't feel like doing much. I just got out of bed, just shy of noon. I feel defeated, sad, depressed. In the past year, I've really had only ONE chance of achieving pregnancy. ONE. In twelve months. I don't count my two cycles in January and February 2011 because my tube was blocked. My cycle in June after my tubal cannulation surgery is the only real shot I had. I'm frustrated. I try to be positive about all of this all the time. But reality is, I can't be. I hate feeling this way.

How can I reframe my thoughts to get back into a better place? How do people live through infertility? I did an internet search, for inspirational infertility quotes. And I came across this post on "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility". I may have to spend some more time on this site...

http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/08/726-those-damn-inspiring-infertility-quotes/

Welcome to the world of blogging...

What brings me to the world of blogging?

I struggle from infertility. I'm one in eight who struggle with infertility. Specifically, I struggle from Tubal Factor Infertility. I want to share my story with those I am close with and document our progress towards becoming parents. Perhaps I can help someone along the way too...

It will take me some time to catch you up, but let me start here...

I began seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in July 2009 after completing several rounds of Clomid with my OBGYN after trying naturally for well over a year and "not preventing" for several years prior to that. I have a history of very irregular cycles. It is likely I wasn't ovulating either.

The RE began treating me with Femara. After several cycles of Femara, we still had not achieved pregnancy. We added Ovidrel. A couple months later, we achieved pregnancy! Unfortunately, it was a suspected ectopic. It wasn't confirmed, but my HCG levels were low and didn't rise properly. After one dose of Methotrexate (MTX), my levels dropped to the negative range.

We continued trying to conceive through the spring and summer, adding IUI to the mix. In August, I went on vacation with a girlfriend so I was unable to continue treatment because I would be out of town when I needed to be monitored. Miraculously, we conceived on our own! My first beta after realizing I was pregnant was over 5,800. I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing on the screen. Ectopic. Again. Now they were pretty convinced the first was definitely an ectopic and probably damaged the tube. Two doses of MTX, and my levels dropped to around 300. On October 1st, I still ruptured. I had to go in for emergency surgery to remove my left tube.

After suffering from the two ectopic pregnancies in 2010, we decided to move to injectible IUI cycles to up my chances. I completed two injectible IUI cycles (using Bravelle and Ovidrel) in January and February 2011 before finding out that my right tube was completely blocked. We sat out a few months before I had surgery on May 5th, 2011 to attempt to unblock my tube. The doctor found a polyp when he went in, and was able to remove it. I had a repeat HSG (hysterosalpingogram) in June, and I thought my prayers had been answered and it would be easy sailing from there on out. I completed an injectible cycle in June, which was unsuccessful. I went on day 3 of my cycle for bloodwork and an ultrasound to be sure everything was OK to start a new cycle only to find out my ovaries were filled with large cysts! So two weeks on BCP, back for another ultrasound to find that two cysts were still there. I continued on active BCP for two more weeks.

Upon getting my period after completing the BCP, I got the go ahead to start injectible cycle #4! (My insurance covers 3 rounds of injectible meds, so my doctor gave me meds (Menopur) for a 4th cycle. I also was very lucky to acquire some meds (Bravelle) from a member of the support group I attend through the clinic. So, I'm lucky to have more meds to be able to continue TTC using injectibles.) I completed 5 days of injections, and then had an ultrasound on the 6th morning.

Which brings me to today...at the ultrasound, it was discovered that I had ZERO growth on the right side, and plenty of growth on my left side (tubeless side). I had some 13's and 10's on the left, and the largest on the right was a 7. After the nurse reviewed my case with a Dr., he decided to cancel my cycle as it is unlikely that the 7 would catch up. The nurse mentioned using a Micro Flare protocol in the future to possibly get better response on the R side. I don't know how or why that would work differently, but at this point I'm willing to try anything to get pregnant. She is going to talk to my Dr. on Monday (he was out today) and call me back Monday.

So, as is par for the course with infertility, I wait and hope. I wait until the phone call Monday to find out if I can try a different protocol to get more follicles. I wait for my next period. I hope I don't have any cysts. I hope I can start a new cycle. I hope I can achieve pregnancy. And, I hope I can gather the strength to continue on this journey.