Just another day filled with fear...

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt

These past couple of weeks since being canceled have been a rollercoaster of emotions. One day, I feel better and ready to face my next cycle. Then, the next day I feel like crawling under a rock again. I can't stand this rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm also filled with so many more fears than before. Now that I've been canceled, I will worry about this happening again, which will bring added stress to each future cycle. I have the added stress of no more insurance coverage for medication. Fortunately, I do have meds stock piled, but what if I still run out before achieving pregnancy?

I'm so tired of everyone telling me "at least you can get pregnant" or" we know that sperm and egg can meet, we just need to get it in the right spot". Great. As if being pregnant with two ectopics was better than never being pregnant at all. Now, I have one tube and had to have surgery to unblock the other. Which is yet another worry. What if that tube reblocks itself? Polyps form, and it could happen again. So each failed cycle I worry that the tube is blocked again.

I guess all I can do is hope that heartache is behind me. I want to move forward with strength, determination, patience and hope. Strength to recognize what I can and cannot control. Determination to remain in a positive mindset. Patience to realize that everything has to happen in its own time. And hope that we will bring home a baby in 2012.