So long 2011!

i choose hope by agirlandherbrush

So long 2011! Hellooooooo 2012!

I'm confident 2012 is going to be a better year for us. Not that 2011 was "bad" per se, but when you are trying to conceive, each month you are unsuccessful sucks. So imagine living a year, month to month, and feeling like you are a failure every. single. month. Infertility is an emotional rollercoaster, and I want off!

Normally, on New Year's eve, I feel sad to think another year has passed. This year is different. I feel optimistic. Having just started my shots for my IVF cycle, I feel so much hope! It is a nice change from previous years. The feeling of hope and excitement - nothing beats it!

Please know that I am realistic. I imagine many fellow IFers are reading my blog after having failed IVF cycles thinking I am nuts for being so optimistic. I understand that there is a chance my cycle won't work. But given it is my ONLY chance at an IVF cycle, I am choosing to go into it with a positive attitude. Call me Polly Positive. Make fun of me. Judge me. Think me unrealistic. Laugh at me. I don't care. I'm CHOOSING how I will act and react. I am choosing to not stress over things I have no control over. I am choosing to let it be what it will be.

Let the chips fall where they may, and I'll pick up the pieces later if I need to. In the meantime, I'm going to live life and I choose HOPE!

Shot #1....check!

I just finished IVF shot #1 - 225 units Bravelle and 75 units Menopur, mixed together into 1 needle. I consider myself somewhat a pro when it comes to mixing and injecting meds. It was just like old times, except I didn't hesitate at all when it came time to inject. Usually, I have to talk to myself and reassure myself it is no big deal. Today, I simply stuck myself and injected. No self-talk necessary.

Currently, I am doing one shot per day in the evening, until we add the Ganirelix. The Ganirelix is a GnRH-antagonist used to suppress the LH surge and ovulation until the follicles are mature. I will add a daily shot of Ganirelix at some point during my stimulation cycle. When my stimulation cycle is complete, I will take a shot of Ovidrel, used to mature eggs and force ovulation. However, before ovulation actually occurs, my doctor will go in a retrieve my eggs. Then, after my egg retrieval, I will begin a daily shot of Progesterone in Oil. This shot I will not be able to do myself, as it is injected in the rear! Oh, the joys of IVF! But, I'll take every minute of it as I'm thankful to be able to complete an IVF cycle as it truly gives us our best possible chance of becoming pregnant!

1 day, 4 hours, 34 minutes...

...until I start stims for my IVF cycle! Nurse Kathy called yesterday after my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I had many antral follicles on the left side, and a few on the right. Grow, follicles, grow! I will begin stimming with 3 vials Bravelle and 1 vial Menopur Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Bloodwork only Monday morning - my last day to sleep in before I return to work. Bummer!

I'm very excited to be starting this cycle as I never in my wildest dreams imagined we would be able to do an IVF cycle. I'm also thankful for all of the positive support my good friends are giving me! From here on out - I need all the positive support I can get! January is gearing up to be a very stressful month for me, and I need to focus on reducing the stress. I have my school play, with rehearsals daily until 5pm, my IEP reports due for my 20 students by the end of the month, and my IVF. I'm counting on my husband and friends to keep me as least stressed as possible, and I will continue my acupuncture treatments. My IVF takes precedence, and I will put the majority of my focus and energy into that.

As we approach the new year, once again, I wish and hope for my take-home, healthy baby. Not only for me, but for all my friends trying to conceive or adopt.

Little red pills...

This morning, I took my LAST little red birth control pill! Wednesday morning, I go for my baseline, and Friday I start my shots of Bravelle and Menopur.

The holidays have been tough the past few years. Each new year, I envision us having our family the following holiday season. And, sadly, that has yet to happen. As we approach the new year once again, I have to hold onto hope that I will be a mother this time next year. I hope and pray that 2012 will bring us the miracle our hearts ache for.

Happy Holidays!

I'd like to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas this holiday season!

I know I get so wrapped up in infertility at times that I lose perspective as to what I DO have, because I'm focusing on what I DO NOT have. I encourage everyone (including myself) to think about what we DO have this holiday season, and be thankful for that! And to my infertile friends - in time, our dreams will come true. XOXO

And, for your reading pleasure, a fun little poem anyone who has gone through, or will be going through IVF, can relate to!

‘Twas the day of the transfer and out the door we went,
My hormones were raging and I felt emotionally spent.
The stockings were hung by the stirrups with care,
In hopes that a baby soon would be there.

The nurse was prepping and readying the bed,
While visions of implantation danced in my head.
Me in my paper gown, and my husband in his cap,
I was getting ready to settle down for my Valium nap.

When out in the waiting room there arose such a clatter,
My husband sprang from the OR to see what was the matter.
Down the hall he flew like a flash,
Ran into the receptionist and gave her the cash.

The florescent light beamed down from the ceiling above,
Giving the lustre of paleness to my true love.
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
A man in a white coat and I felt nothing but fear.

With a look in his eye that said nothing was missed,
I knew in a moment it must be my reproductive endocrinologist.
More rapid than pregnancy news, his assistants they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Betty! now, Alice! now, Sally and Sue!”
“On, Donna! On, Margaret! on, on Kelly and Drew!”
“Get the embryologist in here. Get her right away.”
“We’re ready to do this! I hope this will be your lucky day!”

As we said a prayer and everyone got ready,
The doctor pulled the catheter trigger and held it real steady.
So, up to the uterine lining it flew,
With a shot full of embryos and culture solution, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I knew I desperately needed to pee,
I said, “My bladder is about to explode, don’t you see?”
As I wiggled and squirmed and looked for my man,
I turned just in time to see him coming with a bed pan.

He was dressed in paper footies and was as handsome as ever,
I sighed in relief and immediately felt better.
I laid still for 20 minutes while he watched the clock,
Then, in someone came. “You can get up,” said the doc.

But his eyes, they were serious,
He said, “There’s something we need to discuss.”
“Lay still for three days, before you get up and go,”
“You must give those embryos time to burrow in and grow.”

So off we went as my husband wheeled me away,
Back to car and we were on our way.
I laid in the backseat and looked at the embryo picture,
And, hoped with all my might that God might hear my whisper.

I felt chubby and plump, from all the hormones,
And, then thought of tomorrow’s injections with a groan.
With a wink of my eye and a twist of my head,
I knew the two-week-wait would be something to dread.

When we arrived back home, my mom went straight to her work,
She made a great lunch, then turned with a jerk.
She said, “You just lay there to relax and rest.”
“Leave everything to me and don’t you stress.”

With two weeks to wait and Progesterone in Oil to endure,
We readied ourselves for heartache some more.
I stressed about my symptoms and missed drinking wine,
Then we prepared for the big test and we hoped for two lines.

Shared by a friend from my infertility support group. She found it here.

No answers...

I had my ultrasound yesterday, and while the ultrasound tech didn't say much, she did elude to the fact that she didn't see gallstones. My doctor ordered a full abdominal scan, so I asked her if she saw anything out of the ordinary. She simply replied, "Your doctor will have to give you the results.". At first, this worried me a little. But then I realized this is simply protocol. I'm sure everything was fine with the ultrasound, which is a double edged sword for me. In the meantime, I'm not feeling much better, if at all better. While I'll be happy to get a good report, it doesn't help me narrow down why I'm having so much nausea and vomiting. I'm hoping my doctor will call today with the results, and also have some suggestions as to how to get myself feeling better.

I've been thinking nonstop about what could be causing this. I've not changed anything in my diet. I have not changed/added any medications. Although, a friend mentioned that maybe the Metformin and birth control are interacting. I just am not sure about that as I've been on birth control for 2 months now and this just started. I don't know.

In the meantime, I'm trying to eat small portions of food more often throughout the day in an effort to keep something down. I did keep down some tortilla chips last night. I felt victorious! (Although, I did still have nausea which was frustrating.) I keep trying to tell myself, "mind over matter". When I get the urge to throw up, I talk to myself. Not aloud, of course. But in my head. I remind myself to breathe deeply, and that I am in control.

If this is any indication of what morning sickness will be like, all I can say is UGH. I know I will deep down be thankful for any symptom during pregnancy, but I clearly won't love everyone of them. And yes, I may even complain a little during pregnancy! Don't shoot me.

Un-frigging-believable!!

I'm going to ensure that 2011 goes out with a bang! That bang? Possible gallbladder surgery! Un-frigging-believable.

For the past week or so, I've had nausea and vomiting, but no other symptoms of a flu or anything. It finally got to the point I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought my doctor was closed today, so I went to Immediate Care on Transit Road in Depew. The doctor was a complete douche, and the bag it came in. He insisted I must be pregnant, even though I explained to him that was not possible. He must have missed the lecture in med school where they explained that for a woman to conceive, she must engage in intercourse. LMAO. So he did a urinalysis, which of course came back negative for pregnancy (I told you so Doc!), but did show white blood cells present. Two minutes after providing the sample, he was handing me paperwork about UTI's and whisking me out the door. I was not convinced as I don't have UTI symptoms. He also mentioned it could be silent appendicitis, but they wouldn't test for that unless I didn't get better in a couple days. Needless to say, I was very frustrated when I left there.

I drove past my doctor's office on the way home, and there were cars in the lot. So, I stopped. I asked to be seen after explaining my story. The receptionist was so nice and said of course they would squeeze me in. They closed at 12:30, and it was already 12:10. And there were 5 people waiting. After a little bit of a wait, I got in. My doctor was very concerned, given my symptoms. He had me lie down on the table, and did the appendicitis test (pushing on my lower right abdomen), and I had zero pain. Then, he pushed on the right side just under my ribcage, and I nearly went through the roof. Given my vomiting, lack of fever, nausea, and abdominal "tenderness", he strongly suspects I have gallstones. He called the ultrasound tech to come in as she was off today, but she couldn't. He encouraged a trip to the ER for an ultrasound, but after some discussion, he feels there is no imminent danger in waiting for an ultrasound until Monday. He said if I continue to feel worse or have more pain, to head to the ER and have him paged to meet me there. If it is gallstones, he wants to do surgery. He mentioned waiting until after the holidays. But then on my ride home, I thought about it and would rather do it right away so I can heal and not postpone my IVF cycle too much. Not to mention, I'm home for a week on break for Christmas and could heal then and hopefully not miss too much work.

My doctor also repeated the urinalysis. There were traces of white blood cells and blood in my urine. He told me to take a 7-day round of antibiotics to ward off whatever is going on there. But, he assured me that my symptoms are not being caused by that.

While I certainly hope that my doctor can diagnose what is causing my symptoms, I certainly hope it isn't gallstones! I go for an ultrasound Monday at 4:45.

I'm hoping I can end 2011 shooting up with Bravelle and Menopur rather than recovering from gallbladder surgery!

Random Thoughts Tuesday...

...I am so exhausted lately. I can only assume it is because of the birth control as nothing else has changed for me. I am barely able to keep my eyes open to eat dinner when I get home.

...Drama Club is going well. My dear friend Kym is working so hard directing this show. I've been staying with her after school to offer any help I can. I know her hard work will show when those kids shine on our stage come the end of January!

...I've been thinking a lot about a friend who is going through another loss after her ectopic pregnancy this summer. My thoughts are with you friend!

...Dinner tonight consisted of plain noodles. My stomach is very upset. Reason unknown.

...I was introduced to Pinterest this summer, and am quickly becoming "re-addicted" to it. So many fun ideas and delicious looking foods on there!

...Another dear friend, Melissa, lost a very close friend last week. Renee, 34, lost her battle with cancer after bravely fighting for the past couple of years. She left behind two young children, and a loving husband. This is weighing heavily on my heart. I hope and pray that those she left behind, including Melissa, will find peace with her passing. I can't imagine losing a dear friend. This certainly makes me appreciate my friends so much more. I'll be sure to remind them often of how much I love them.

...I also continue to pray for several friends from support group. While we've had several successes in support group, they haven't come easily. Each of these girls have worked tirelessly to achieve their goal of pregnancy, and ultimately motherhood. And the success of achieving pregnancy (through any treatment) doesn't always equate to a stress-free, safe, successful pregnancy. I'm praying for Baby "B" who is showing signs of kidney problems, which is also a soft marker for Down Syndrome. More importantly, the kidney problems could require the baby to need surgery upon being born. While this is scary in any case, it is especially scary for Baby "B" who is a triplet and will likely be born early. Thinking of such a tiny baby undergoing surgery is terrifying. PK and family - you remain in my thoughts!

...Coming Spring 2012 Baby G! Can't wait to meet this little one! I have a feeling this baby will be born addicted to SPOT hot chocolate!

...For my friends pursuing adoption, please remember that the stress of the process will all be worth it in the end when you are holding your child. I'm rooting for you!

...I'm looking forward to FINALLY watching my DVD seasons of True Blood during my upcoming Christmas break and the week of my ER and ET.

...Dexter season finale in 5 days. :(

...I told my 19 ISP (Instructional Support Period) students that if they all scored 85% or better on their Math unit test Thursday, I would buy them pizza and wings next week. And these kids can EAT! It became apparent after my review lesson today that I had better take some money out of the bank to feed these kids.

...And to close tonight's installment of Random Thought Tuesday, check out this website for a few good laughs!

Awkward Holiday Photos

We are good to go!

I feel like I live such a boring life. I sit down to update my blog, and realize I really have nothing new to report. I've been busy with work, and relaxing around the house as often as I can trying to stay stress free this holiday season. I love sitting on the couch in my living room enjoying the lights on my Christmas tree each evening!

Nurse Anne from the Clinic called today to let me know we were definitely all set to start our IVF at the end of this month. Everything with the state has been straightened out! I had the ringer on my phone set to off, yet it still rang. And I was glad it did. (I was in study hall at the time). I've been worried that this would not be straightened out and that we would be postponed further, so I think my phone ringing when it shouldn't have was the Universe telling me to STOP WORRYING!

Tonight's dinner is chicken fingers and mashed potatoes (I've got a hankering for some mashed potatoes!). And from the sounds of the cabinets opening and closing in the kitchen and dished clanking, I believe dinner is just about ready! Time to eat! Yum!!

A Blog Award!

How exciting! Rebecca over at http://pinklipglossandprenatals.blogspot.com/ gave me a blog award! My first ever! So exciting! Thanks, Rebecca...I LOVE your blog!

Certain rules apply when receiving this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!

2. List 7 things people may not know about you.

3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well. (The hard part is trying to pick other bloggers who have not been chosen already. If you have received the award from someone else, just ignore my nomination! However, you can secretly be honored!)

So, without further adieu...7 things about me you may not know!

1. I am an avid scrapbooker and stamper! I anxiously await the day I can create a baby book for our child.

2. I was in the live studio audience for The Family Feud last summer! I sat in the second row. Steve Harvey is frigging hilarious!

3. In high school, I was a band geek. I played the bassoon, flute and tenor sax. I don't play anymore, but I still have my flute and bassoon.

4. I am a Drama Club advisor at the Middle School where I am an 8th grade special education teacher.

5. My Scion XA gets 38-40 miles per gallon and that makes me very happy. I really hope that when the time comes, I will be able to fit a car seat in that little rollerskate!

6. I've been married for 7 years, 4 months and 25 days. To a man everyone thought would never get married!

7. My house is like a zoo. I have a Samoyed, an african grey and a gold capped conure, and two aquariums.

And now, the 10 (because I don't have 15 blogs that I follow yet) people I would like to pass this award on to:

1. Lora @ http://dingdong616.blogspot.com/

2. Janet @ http://janetoffkilter.blogspot.com/

3. Brooke @ http://fiscafamily.wordpress.com/

4. Megan @ http://the-cool-aunt.blogspot.com/

5. waiting and wishing @ http://waitingnwishing.blogspot.com/

6. Jessica @ http://lifeswhathappensyourbusymakingplans.blogspot.com/

7. Taylor @ http://epochshift.wordpress.com/

8. Amy @ http://amy050709.blogspot.com/

9. Alex @ http://firsttimetwins.blogspot.com/

10. chickenpig @ http://chickenpig-betterfullthanempty.blogspot.com/

...add vodka!!

I'm over my hissy fit about being postponed, and can talk about it more rationally now. Initially, with just cause, I was very upset and sad. After stewing on it overnight, and with the help from my best friend who always looks for the positive side to a crappy situation, I am in a much better place.

While many suspect I've been canceled due to my "yeasty" lady bits, that is not the case. I'm happy to report I finished my Monistat last night and am feeling much relief.

I actually was postponed because of some paperwork confusion related to a grant that I qualified for. I don't fully understand what happened; all I know is that because of this confusion, I can't start today. I spoke to Nurse Ann yesterday around 3pm who broke the news to me. She was upset and felt terrible having to be the one to tell me. However, we reconfigured everything and I have my new calendar all worked out. Things will hopefully go down like this:

I will restart BCP Saturday (tomorrow) regardless of the fact that I have not had a period since stopping them Monday. I will continue BCP through December 26th. At 8:20am on Wednesday, December 28th I will go for my baseline. (This is all assuming everything is straightened out by then. I feel confident it will be.) I will start the stims Friday December 30th. ER and ET will fall the week of January 9th.

While this stresses me out for a couple reasons, there are definitely a couple of advantages too. First, I am stressed about everything being in January, the month during which our school play falls. I am a Drama Club advisor, and January is a busy, busy time for me. I need to let that go and come to terms with the fact that my IVF is more important. Also, I am anxious about the weather in Buffalo in January. My husband is snow-plowing this year. If the weather is bad that week and he has to go out plowing, it could add additional stress to the situation. While my husband reassured me the other day that this cycle takes priority, I know it stresses him out too.

On the plus side, if I were to when I get pregnant in January, I would have an early October due date. Being OCD like I am, this would allow me to start the school year and get everything in order for my students and sub. Whereas, if I were to get pregnant this month, I would likely miss the start of the school year and come back to a huge mess! I do not need that anxiety-inducing situation! Secondly, my husband's work schedule starts to lighten up in the fall, which would allow him to be home more to help me and enjoy our baby. And by the time I were to go back to work, he would be just about finishing up for the season, and be able to be home with our child.

So, in the end, this isn't such a horrible situation. I've dealt with much more disappointing news in the past. This is not a big deal (or so I keep telling myself!).

Also on the plus side, I don't have to give up my wine yet! I've recently become quite addicted to Moscato. It is a white wine that is a little sweet and a little fizzy. Delicious. I've also been enjoying lemonade lately. So, in honor of my blog's title, I think I may add some vodka to these lemons that life just handed me!

Postponed...

I hate the number 24. That is the exact number of days I have to take birth control for. 24 more effing days.

Yeast and flat tires...

So, I have a yeast infection from all those antibiotics I've been on. Oy vey. Long story short, I started a 3 day course of Monistat last night. I won't elaborate anymore.

I came out of work today and the car that parks on my passenger side was gone already. Had that car been there, I would not have noticed the flat tire on my rear passenger side. So, I called my husband and he rushed over with the air compressor he bought this summer that he has been DYING to use. He isn't happy about the flat tire, but he did seem awfully excited to use that compressor! He filled it up and drove it home, with me following him in the truck. He will examine it more closely tomorrow.

Over at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, Rebecca painted her nails green for fertility and good luck for her transfer, which was today! To follow in her footsteps, I will be painting my nails green for my transfer! I ordered OPI's Fresh Frog of Bel Air today! Here's hoping it brings us both lots of luck!!

It's the little things that make me happy...

While IVF can undoubtedly be a stressful, emotionally draining journey, I believe it will be what I make of it! So, I've decided that I will do little things to keep myself feeling good during this process. Last night, in preparation for my baseline today, I decided to paint my toenails. They are a deep purple with a glittery top coat! So pretty! Then I remembered it is no longer flip-flop season (while some beg to differ), and my toes aren't exposed. So I decided I would wear fun socks! These ones are from Little Miss Matched. They even sparked a conversation with my doctor today. Whatever it takes to keep the situation "light", as laying on the table covered in a paper sheet with my lady bits exposed is stressful enough!

As for my baseline, my estradiol (E2) levels came back at 42. Nurse Ann told me anything below 100 is great! My antral follicle count was good too. Antral follicles are small follicles that can be seen, measured and counted via ultrasound. The number of antral follicles visible on ultrasound at the start of a cycle is indicative of the relative number of follicles remaining in the ovary. Each follicle contains an immature egg that can potentially develop in the future.

The doctor changed my starting dose from 3 vials Bravelle and 2 vials Menopur to 3 vials Bravelle and 1 vial Menopur. I immediately questioned that, as my last injectable IUI cycle in September, I started on 5 vials. I wondered why this would be different, given that we would ideally want more follicles in an IVF cycle to produce mature eggs. Nurse Ann said he lowered it because of my antral follicle count. Then, the more I thought about it, I was OK with it. In my IUI cycle, we stimmed hard to get the right side (the side I have a tube on) to produce more since whatever the left side produced didn't matter. This time, everything matters since they will be removing the eggs from both ovaries. I start stimming Friday night, and continue on that dose Saturday and Sunday as well. I will head to the Clinic Monday morning for bloodwork.

Lucky for me, I have lots of fun socks (and holiday ones) to wear to all of my upcoming monitoring appointments. I love fun socks! Especially my purple striped knee socks! I might just save those for ER day!

Little victories lead to big successes!

Today, I took my last active birth control pill! Tomorrow morning at 8:00am I will be getting bloodwork to check my estradiol (E2) levels and an ultrasound to make sure everything is quiet in there and ready to be stimulated! If everything goes as planned, I will start stimming Friday evening!

In other (and not so important) news...

I went out shopping Thanksgiving Day evening with my mother. We lined up at Walmart around 8:30pm to get the Nintendo Wii. The Xbox Kinect was the "hot" item this year. But I can't play my favorite game, Super Mario Brothers, on the Xbox!

I had support group tonight. While I really did not want to go, I'm glad I did. The conversations in the parking lot after are as good as, if not better than, the conversations during group! (Insert photo of Jim Bob Duggar here.) Thanks ladies for always understanding.

I missed my acupuncture appointment today. I had an appointment at 4:00, and my acupuncturist is open until 7pm. I was about 20 minutes late to my appointment, and because I knew he was open until 7, I didn't worry about texting him to tell him I was running late. I arrived, and he was gone. Now, I need to try to cram it in on Wednesday before my chiropractor appointment. I hate feeling rushed.

Since I missed my acupuncture appointment, I went to the bar and had a nice, cold beer before support group.

It's currently 9:41, which is 41 minutes past my bedtime! Goodnight!

All clear...

I went in for my 1:00pm mock transfer appointment today. First, I met with Nurse Kathy who went over all the medications and my calendar with me. then, I met with the doctor for the mock transfer. The process went very smoothly. No cramping or discomfort. No sign of anything (polyps, etc.) in my uterus. I got the all clear from the doctor!

I go back next Tuesday at 8:00am to see the doctor for my baseline sono and bloodwork. Then I start stims (225 units Bravelle and 150 units Menopur) on Friday, December 2nd. I go for bloodwork only on Monday, December 5th. Then I will wait to hear instructions that afternoon.

I can't believe all of this is so close. I'm so excited to get started.

In other news, my sinus and respiratory infections seem to be cleared up after this most recent round of antibiotics. I lost my voice last Thursday, but thankfully, it has mostly returned as of today. I see my primary doctor in about an hour for a follow-up.

Steroids and antibiotics and sinus rinse, oh my!!!

Yes, I'm sick again. Since September, I've had a cold, the flu, a respiratory infection and now a sinus infection. I went to my primary doctor (again) today and was prescribed another round of steroids and stronger antibiotics. Also, I'll be doing a nasal rinse 3 times per day. I'm hoping all this helps this infection to clear up before I start stimming December 2nd! I go back to my primary next Tuesday afternoon so he can evaluate how this round of treatment is working. Fingers and toes crossed I'm well by then and can start this IVF round in good health!

The eagle has landed...

And here is everything tucked safely away in my bathroom vanity.

Medication I will be using during my IVF cycle: Bravelle, Menopur, Ganirelix, Ovidrel, Progesterone in Oil, Medrol, and Doxycycline.

I delivered the semen sample this morning for analysis. I can call the clinic in four days to get the results. Next up, mock transfer and injectable teach! A mock transfer process in IVF is simply when the doctor inserts a catheter into your uterus to measure the length and depth. He does this so that when it is time to actually deposit embryos into your uterus he will know what type of catheter to use and know where to place the embryos.

Timeline...

I started the birth control pills (BCP) Tuesday, and thus far, I feel OK. (I normally feel like crap on BCP. The only difference I notice is I'm much more tired by the end of the day.) I am also on a daily prenatal vitamin and a baby aspirin. I will remain on Zoloft during this cycle as well. I am undecided yet if I will attempt to go off of it when (not if, but when) this cycle is successful. At this point in time, I'm far more interested in a happy, healthy pregnancy than I am the alternative. I guess, for that reason, I'm leaning towards staying on it. Especially given I'm on a low dose. My psychiatrist agrees the dose I'm on poses very low risk, if any, for any complications or problems.

My timeline is as follows:

November 22nd - mock transfer and injectable teach (I've been on Menopur, Bravelle and Ovidrel before. Ganirelix and Progesterone in Oil (PIO) are new.)

November 28th - take last active BCP

November 29th - baseline ultrasound and bloodwork

December 2nd - start stims (Bravelle and Menopur)

week of December 12th - ER and ET

week of December 26th - find out I'm pregnant!!!! Happy Holidays to us!

In non-IVF news, happy Veterans Day to all who have, and currently are, serving our country in an effort to protect the freedoms we have.

Let's do this!

I have officially begun the IVF process. I started the birth control and baby aspirin today. Surprisingly, I got a period yesterday. I was worried this would change my timeline, but it doesn't! I spoke with Kathy yesterday and have more details about my schedule. I met with Megan (my psychologist) tonight and feel really good about moving forward. I am in a good place and am ready to go!

I will post more about my schedule in the next day or so. I'm simply too tired to do it now!

IUI vs. IVF

I knew that by deciding to write and publish a blog about my struggles to conceive, I was definitely putting myself out there. Naked, in a sense. I choose to divulge things that most people remain private about. However, I have found a certain peace by creating this blog...a certain level of understanding that I share with many of the women that read my blog or vise versa. This blog is a place for me to not only document my journey for my own benefit, but a way for me to share my journey with those close to me. That is why I will document my IVF process in great detail here for my friends and family, and other women going through IVF or thinking about it. Hopefully, my account of this cycle will help people to better understand the emotional, financial and physical commitment an IVF cycle truly presents to the couple.

Today, I will share information about the basic steps involved in an IVF cycle. The information below has been gathered from several sources.

What is IVF (in vitro fertilization)?

There are basically five steps in the IVF and embryo transfer process which include the following (from the American Pregnancy Association):
1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
2. Collect the eggs.
3. Secure the sperm.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
5. Transfer embryos into the uterus.

Prior to step 1, my husband and I have to complete blood tests (mandatory HIV and chromosomal panels) and another semen analysis. We have completed the bloodwork, and are looking to make an appointment to complete the semen analysis this week. Also, prior to starting the fertility meds, I will be on birth control beginning this Tuesday. (I'm not sure for how long, but given my proposed egg retrieval scheduled for the week of December 12, I can only assume, at this point, that I will not be on birth control much longer than 3 weeks. I believe I will find out more tomorrow when the nurse calls me.)

Step 1: Fertility medications are prescribed to control the timing of the egg ripening and to increase the chance of collecting multiple eggs during one of the woman's cycles. This is often referred to as ovulation induction. Multiple eggs are desired because some eggs will not develop or fertilize after retrieval. Egg development is monitored using ultrasound to examine the ovaries and blood test samples to check hormone levels.

I will be using several medications to achieve this step. Menopur is a highly purified preparation of naturally derived gonadotropins, called hMG. Menopur contains equal amounts of 2 kinds of hormonal activity: follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), which helps stimulate egg production; and luteinizing hormone (LH), which helps the eggs mature and release (ovulate). Bravelle is a highly purified preparation of human follicle FSH and 2% luteinizing hormone (LH) activity. Ganirelix is an injectable gonadotropin-releasing hormone antagonist (GnRH antagonist). It is primarily used in assisted reproduction to control ovulation. The drug works by blocking the action of GnRH upon the pituitary, thus rapidly suppressing the production and action of LH and FSH. Finally, I will use Ovidrel to give the eggs a final boost to mature and prepare for ovulation, which will NOT occur as the doctor will go in prior to ovulation to remove my eggs via an Egg Retrieval (ER).

When the follicles are mature (determined by ultrasound measurements of follicle size and hormone measurements (estradiol levels - E2 - via bloodwork), the egg aspiration procedure is done to take the eggs out. About 15 to 20 mm diameter is generally consider a "mature" follicle.

Step 2: The eggs are retrieved through a surgical procedure which uses ultrasound imaging to guide a hollow needle through the pelvic cavity. Sedation and local anesthesia are provided to remove any discomfort that might be experienced. The eggs are removed from the ovaries using the hollow needle, which is called follicular aspiration. Some women may experience cramping on the day of retrieval, which usually subsides the following day; however, a feeling of fullness or pressure may last for several weeks following the procedure.

For a video of an egg retrieval, go HERE

Step 3: Sperm is obtained and prepared for combining with the eggs.

Step 4: In a process called insemination, the sperm and eggs are placed in incubators located in the laboratory which enables fertilization to occur. In some cases where fertilization is suspected to be low, intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) may be used. Through this procedure, a single sperm is injected directly into the egg in an attempt to achieve fertilization. The eggs are monitored to confirm that fertilization and cell division are taking place. Once this occurs, the fertilized eggs are considered embryos.

Step 5: The embryos are usually transferred into the woman's uterus anywhere from one to six days later, but most commonly it occurs between two to three days following egg retrieval. My clinic does 3 and 5 day transfers. The transfer process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. A predetermined number of embryos (for us, 2 is the magic number) are suspended in fluid and gently placed through a catheter into the womb. This process is often guided by ultrasound. The procedure is usually painless, but some women experience mild cramping.

For a video of an embryo transfer, go HERE

After the transfer, I will be started on Progesterone in Oil shots. PIO injections are given in the rear. Progesterone is a type of female hormone. This medication is similar to the progesterone that your body naturally makes. It is given to replace the hormone when your body is not making enough of it. Progesterone is needed to increase the receptivity of the endometrium for implantation of an embryo and is used as part of assisted reproductive technology (ART).

These steps are followed by rest and lots of waiting. Bloodwork will follow about 2 weeks later to see if pregnancy has been achieved.

How is this different from IUI (intrauterine insemination)? For my IUI cycles, I used injectable meds (Bravelle and Menopur) to stimulate follicle growth, and then would use Ovidrel to force ovulation. 36 hours later, I would take my husband's sample to the clinic with me, where they would wash and process it. Then, using a catheter threaded through my cervix, they would inject the sperm directly into my uterus. The main difference is that in IUI, they do not remove the female's eggs. Because I have tubal factor infertility (I have only one tube due to multiple ectopic pregnancies, and the health of my remaining tube may be compromised), IVF is our best chance. There is still a slight risk of ectopic pregnancy with IVF (approximately 1-3%), but it is minute compared to the chance during a natural or IUI cycle where the egg and sperm fertilize in the fallopian tube. IVF bypasses the tube, however, sometimes the embryo can "float" up into the tube after the transfer.

The information above was gathered from the American Pregnancy Association, as well as from information I have been provided by my particular clinic. I have been at the Buffalo Infertility and IVF Associates since July 2009. Initially, I was seen by Dr. Sperrazza. For my IVF, I will be seen by Dr. Sullivan and Dr. Crickard.

As I mentioned above, I will continue to document my journey. I hope that sharing my journey can one day help someone else. I follow several blogs, and have been touched by each person's individual story and journey. It is reassuring to know I am not the first (nor will I be the last) person to go through infertility and come out the other side OK!

Pre-IVF steps...

This morning, my husband and I went to the local QUEST office to have his blood drawn (mandatory HIV and chromosomal "stuff"). (I had mine all drawn yesterday morning.) For those of you who know my husband well, you know he can be difficult when being asked to do something he doesn't want to do. He complied, and it went smoothly. I told him late last night we needed to go for bloodwork this morning (that way he did not have too long to stress about it). This morning, when I woke up, I immediately got ready to leave the house. He followed suit. And off we went...

The next step is to have another semen analysis (at the Andrology Lab at the clinic). Our last one was a couple years ago at a QUEST lab. Apparently, the Clinic likes to do their own when a couple is beginning the IVF process. So, we will get that done and then we will be all set. My husband's "job" will be done until the week of the Egg Retrieval (ER) in December! The fun will begin for me a couple weeks before that!

I'm looking forward to getting my calendar for this cycle when I talk to the nurse on Monday. I'm starting to feel better and better about this decision!

The Plan

I spoke with IVF nurse Kathy yesterday and learned a little more about my IVF cycle. I went for bloodwork this morning and will start birth control pills on Tuesday. I have to get my husband to the office or a lab to get bloodwork done too. Then, when I start stimming using the Antagonist Protocol, I will be injecting Bravelle, Menopur, Ganirelix, Ovidrel, and Progesterone in Oil (PIO). For my friends not well-versed in the lanuguage of IVF, I will explain more in future posts.

Kathy told me she will call me Monday with more information about my calendar. But, as it stands, it looks like my egg retrieval (ER) and embryo transfer (ET) will be the week of December 12th. I'm anxious to talk to her and learn more about when I will end birth control (BC), start stimming, and so forth. Day by day, I'm feeling better about this decision.

From here on out during my IVF journey, I've decided I only have room for positivity in my life! So, if you have nothing positive to say to me, please don't say anything at all! :) While I certainly need to be realistic, I really need my mind to be in a positive place. And I count on my friends and family to help with that! So, I appreciate all the positivity I can get in the weeks to come! I'm lucky to have so many people on my side and hoping and praying for the best for my husband and I!

On the road again...

I met with an IVF doctor at my Clinic on Monday. I left the consult feeling informed and excited at the possibility of starting an IVF cycle. The doctor feels given our history and diagnosis of tubal factor infertility that we have a great chance at success with IVF! I was even more excited to know that we could start right away and finish this calendar year (prior to them closing the IVF lab the last two weeks of December, and prior to the busy weeks in January before our Drama Club production).

I heard from a nurse today, and I need to call back tomorrow. I wanted to talk with my husband about this one more time, and we decided to go forward. It is a huge commitment (emotionally, physically, and financially). I need to go into this with a realistic, positive attitude, and much needed support from friends and family.

Several friends and people who know what we are going through have asked what the difference is between what we've been doing (IUI) and IVF. While there are several similarities, there are some big differences too. I will share more about that in future posts. Of course, I anticipate learning a lot more about IVF while going through this process. (I have several friends who have completed IVF cycles, so I know quite a bit already. But there is ALWAYS more to learn!)

I've been very lucky to have so much support through my two ectopics and my recent chemical pregnancy. I am thankful I will have continued support during this IVF cycle. I know I will need it.

So, the plan is to call and talk to the nurse tomorrow. I assume at that time I will learn more about the timeframe (calendar) and what meds we will use (IVF requires a few more medications and injections than injectable IUI), etc. I plan on making an appointment with my psychologist to be sure I am tending to my emotional needs during this stressful time. I also plan to continue acupuncture. I want every possible advantage during this cycle!

A fork in the road...

At support group Monday night, I shared with the group that I planned to continue down the injectable/IUI path as soon as I started a new cycle. Well, our plans may have changed. I'm meeting with an IVF doctor at my clinic on Monday at 3:00pm. I'm interested to learn more about the process and how our situation could benefit from it. Although "my girls" from support group have helped me to become quite well versed in IVF, I'm intrigued to hear the doctor's opinion on our specific situation.

When I started at the clinic almost 2 and a half years ago, I never imagined my treatment path would bring me to IVF's door. But here I am. And if this is meant to be our path, I will embrace it. With nothing but positivity!

Once again, I thank my friends and family for their support. I could have NEVER made it this far without the support!

Gearing up to move forward...

While this past month has been full of disappointment and sadness, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling ready to move forward and look towards the future. No more looking back at the past.

Today is CD 26, and I'm interested to see what my body decides to do. If nothing, I will call on the 31st to get Provera. As it stands right now, we will move forward with another injectable IUI.

It feels good to have a plan and be gearing up to move forward. Bring it on!

It's raining again...

It is pouring rain outside right now and my dog is sitting by the door wanting to go out. I don't think so. He's going to have to just hold it. I'm snuggled on the couch with a cup of Chai Tea. I've been up most of the night. Sleep is eluding me lately. And I'm getting tired of it.

I was home from work Thursday and Friday sick. I finally went to the doctor yesterday (after being sick for about 3 weeks) and left with 3 prescriptions for a respiratory infection. Benzonatate, Amoxicillin, and Fluticasone. My husband seems to have the same thing, but he refused to go to the doctor with me. Those of you who know my husband know there is no making him do something he doesn't want to do. (Feel better honey!!)

Silver Lining...

I'll keep this brief as I'm having difficulty keeping my thoughts and emotions in check these past few days. It seems as if the stress and disappointment of the past few years and this most recent loss is resting heavily on my shoulders, causing me to be very emotional and "down in the dumps".

I met with my doctor this morning. At the end of last week, his office submitted the preauthorization for additional cycles, and my insurance company approved it! I will recieve additional injectable meds so that we can continue down the IUI path for now. My doctor also said if needed, he will give me an additional round of meds. He still feels IVF is the way to go, but for now, I will continue with medicated IUI's since my insurance covers this.

I'm currently CD 14 (assuming that my bleed can be counted as a period). I will wait for my next period and then we will start again. Assuming I'm feeling closer to "normal". I can't do anything while I'm in this place of confusion, uncertainty, sadness and negativity I'm currently in.

In time, I'm confident I'll get where I need to be.

So close, yet so far...

When I started down this journey of injectable medications in January 2011, I was told that my insurance would only cover three rounds of medication per pregnancy. (Of course, in my head - it was only going to take one cycle so that didn't matter at the time!) I exhausted my insurance covered meds in June. I've been cycling since then using meds donated to me by a wonderful friend I've met in support group. So, I began to think about the possibility of getting more medication covered over the past few days. And I convinced myself that surely this would be my silver lining right now.

I called the doctor's office today to verify that my insurance coverage for medication would start over. I was told that I wouldn't qualify because my hcg levels weren't high enough to be considered a pregnancy by the insurance company. Out of curiosity, I asked what that level was.

25.

Less than 5 is considered NOT pregnant, and 25 and above is considered pregnant. So what exactly are you considered if you fall in between that range?

So what does this mean for me? I was 1.1 point away from being pregnant in the eyes of the insurance company. My doctor considers me as having conceived, but my insurance company does not. Perhaps if my blood had been drawn a few hours earlier, I would have made the cutoff.

The nurse at the office is going to put through the paperwork for the pre-authorization for another cycle anyway, leaving off my hcg number. Perhaps someone will overlook that and it will go through. Hopefully the insurance company employee reviewing my paperwork will not catch the omission.

In the meantime, while waiting to hear back regarding my insurance, I wait for my consult appointment Monday. I'm hoping I leave there armed with answers to all my questions so that Kenny and I can make a decision regarding our future treatment path that is best for us.

Negative

My beta this morning came back and my hcg level is back in the negative range already.

What does this mean? I'm not having a third ectopic pregnancy. What I had is called a chemical pregnancy, which is essentially a very early miscarriage. While I am relieved I am not having a third ectopic, I now face a whole new set of worries about pregnancy loss. While I know that chemical pregnancies are common, could this be a signal that something else is amiss? Should I ignore this and assume it was just a fluke? I did that with my first ectopic, and then was blessed with a second one. I need to trust and have faith in my thoughts and feelings. I need to investigate this until I feel satisfied.

My Dr. himself called me this afternoon, and he feels it is time to move on to IVF. When I came to the clinic over 2 years ago, Femara (an oral medication taken for 5 days) was going to be my saving grace. And here I am, 2 years and 2 months later facing IVF.

Emotionally, I am bottoming out. I'm tired. I'm heartbroken. I'm uncertain about our future and I'm scared. And at the same time, I feel numb.

Again, I sincerely thank those of you who have reached out to me. And thank you for following my journey.

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.”

Hurt feelings lead to personal growth...

Obviously this is a very difficult time for me. I'm losing another pregnancy. One tube, two surgeries and three pregnancies, and I still do not have a baby to show for the 2 years and 2 months I have spent at the Buffalo IVF Clinic. Not to mention the several years prior to that spent trying, to no avail.

The reality is - infertility sucks. I've learned it makes people say things and do things that they probably wouldn't normally say or do.

Monday night, I announced to a couple of friends from support group that I had gotten a very faint positive test that morning. Now, let me be sure to say that I was extremely nervous about even telling them this because I did not want to hurt anyone. I was very surprised and taken aback, however, when my news was received with comments such as, "must be nice" and "wanna trade places".

Obviously, we are all there for the same reason. We want to get pregnant. And obviously some of us will, and some of us may never. While our paths are different, we are all working feverishly towards the same goal - motherhood.

These comments hurt my feelings. A lot. I've been hearing them repeat in my head all week. On Monday night I had no idea I would be dealing with another pregnancy loss, which makes having heard these comments even more difficult. At the time, I felt as if it was being implied that I don't deserve a pregnancy. That I hadn't been through enough to deserve one. I know sometimes people dealing with infertility have this "judge and jury" thing going on. I think that is a natural reaction to infertility. But, I'm quickly seeing how the "judge and jury" thing (deciding who "deserves" to be pregnant over others based on the level of treatments they've been through, number of losses they've suffered, how long they've been trying, how long they've been seeking treatment from the Clinic, etc.) can be hurtful too. And I think it is safe to say that anyone who has struggled with infertility has done the "judge and jury" thing at some point in time, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

I have spent years seeing people around me get pregnant. I've lived through my two closest friends having 3 pregnancies between the two of them. My best friend is going to start trying again in a matter of the next couple of months. I may have to deal with her third pregnancy before I get to have my first. I know how hard this is. But I certainly would never want to intentionally say something to them that is hurtful. Am I jealous? YES. Extremely. Have I expressed my honest feelings of jealousy with those close to me during their pregnancies? YES. Am I sad? YES. But I hope I have never intentionally or unintentionally made a comment that would make someone feel like they don't deserve to be pregnant or like I wish they weren't.

I'm sure these comments were not intentional. However, now that I'm dealing with another loss, they sting even more. And, as terrible as this sounds, I can't help but wonder if they are slightly relieved or happy knowing that I'm dealing with a loss. Maybe I should ask if they would like to trade places now.

I'm thankful for the friends I've made through infertility. I need these friends. No one understands better than someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.

Getting a positive test does not make the past 2 years and 2 months at the Clinic disappear. Not to mention the several years getting negatives month after month prior to the Clinic. Getting a positive test doesn't make everything "OK" or "better". Especially today, since my pregnancy is nonviable. And as of right now, it is unknown if it is simply a loss or another ectopic. While never getting a positive test is surely difficult and not something I can relate to, I do know how bad it hurts to have 3 losses. And I don't wish that on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

I deeply regret that I have unintentionally hurt some feelings by being honest about my jealousy when friends became pregnant.

I vow to become a better person through all of this. I vow to come out the other side stronger, more compassionate and less judgmental.

I wish the absolute BEST for each infertility friend I've made. I want each of us to beat this, one way or another.

Nonviable

My hcg levels went from 23.9 Wednesday morning to 22.9 this morning. In a normal pregnancy, hcg levels should double every 48-72 hours.

I will go back for bloodwork Monday morning to make sure my levels continue to drop.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers during this extremely difficult time.

14dpiui

Hoping for the best tomorrow. Come on hcg - rise, rise, RISE!!!!

13dpiui blood draw...

Today is 13dpiui. I went for bloodwork this morning. My beta came back at 24. The nurse (my favorite nurse) assured me that this is perfectly acceptable for 13dpiui. She said they usually like to see 75-100 on day 16. We are aiming for 50 on Friday, day 15. She said she wouldn't torture me and make me wait until Saturday to come back for my second beta.

I am still bleeding somewhat. Although it has lightened up. I had nothing in a pad all day. I had some red and a lot of brown when I wiped. I am also still on the Crinone (vaginal progesterone suppository cream.) On the way home from work, I coughed, and felt a little gush. I'm so scared everytime I cough or sneeze.

Have I mentioned I HATE the number 24? That was my first beta with my first ectopic pregnancy in February 2010. Of course, this was well beyond day 16 because I thought I had a period and that my cycle had failed. Plus, I was on vacation. It wasn't until I came home from Vegas that I tested. Then it was 2 days later that I had the beta. So there was NO doubt from that first beta that the pregnancy was not going to be viable. At least this time, there is hope.

I did take a test this morning and it was still darker like last night's test. I'm hoping that the test tomorrow and Friday get even darker.

I just had a feeling from the beginning that this cycle worked, and I have to hold onto that hope.

The nurse said there could be a number of scenarios regarding the bleeding. One of the reasons could be that more than one implanted, and I am losing one. She said some women bleed through their entire pregnancy. Some women still have monthly periods during a pregnancy. So who knows - let's hope it is one of those scenarios. I'm OK with any of those, as long as I have atleast one baby in the end.

So, if you pray, I ask that you PLEASE pray for me and my pregnancy. I find comfort in knowing those who care about me are praying and hoping for the best!

XOXO

12dpiui PM, still bleeding

The bottom test I just took. Definitely darker. No doubt about that second line. I"m so worried for my bloodwork tomorrow...

12dpiui- and bleeding

I guess my excitement was short-lived. I went to the bathroom this afternoon, and without warning, am bleeding bright red. Sorry for the anxiousness/excitement I have caused those of you close to me.

I don't even know what else to say right now. And I don't know what the future will bring for us. I can't process this right now. I guess I need some time.

12dpiui - do you see what I see?

Click on the picture to make it larger. While the line isn't darker than it was yesterday, I still believe there is one there. I'm going from excited to nervous though since that line doesn't appear to be getting darker.

11dpiui - and going CUH-RAZY!

This cold is kicking my rear end. I hope it is short-lived!

I took a test this morning, and I believe I saw a very faint second line. I took the tests (yes, I took another one this afternoon) to support group tonight, and the girls, including the psychologist who runs it, saw the second line too. I will retest in the morning and hope to see something darker and more definitive. Please say a prayer tonight that this is the real deal!

10dpiui

Well, I woke up with my first cold of the school year. Stuffy, runny nose and sore throat.

I also woke up to a BFN. I know what you are all thinking and saying - "It's still early". I've heard it before, so you don't need to remind me. While I know that is true, my hope is still swirling down the drain quickly.

Going to do school work today and nurse this cold.

8dpiui

More than half way through the 2ww.

I have Study Hall duty at school. For this duty, I use another teacher's classroom as I do not have my own classroom space this year. She has a Magic 8 Ball. The kids (7th graders) always play with it and I love hearing the questions they ask it! So the other day, for fun, I asked it if I am pregnant. (Not in front of the kids, of course!) The answer - "signs point to YES"!

I'm doing my best to hold on to hope.

7dpiui

I'm tired. Probably a combination of the progesterone and all of the running around this week. It has been a very busy week.

I'm finding my hope wavering as I begin my second week of the 2ww. I'm hanging in there the best I can. I'm trying my best to stay positive!

And, for those of you wondering, I have NOT tested yet. Now THAT deserves a pat on the back!!!

6dpiui

Another day down.

Please, oh please, let this cycle result in a viable pregnancy. I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. While infertility will always be a part of me, I am ready to put it on the back burner for the time being.

5dpiui and cottage cheese...

This is turning out to be the longest 2WW ever!

While school is keeping me EXTREMELY busy, I can't seem to get my mind off of the two week wait. I'm 5dpiui today, and already getting antsy to test. Of course, I obviously won't start testing yet. However, I don't think I'll make it much past Sunday (10dpiui). I still have a good feeling about this cycle. I've had some minor cramping the past couple of days, and while I'm nervous that means my period is on her way, I also know that it might not be the case. Only time will tell.

I'm using the Crinone every morning. Today was the first day I felt like I had cottage cheese in my underpants. Not a pleasant feeling, but well worth it if this cycle ends in a viable pregnancy.

So, please keep your fingers crossed, say a little prayer and send lots of positive energy into the universe!

Thank you for all of the support you have given me! I am thankful for everyone in my life who is riding this ride with me!

Birthdays and Progesterone...

Happy Birthday Eve to me!!! I'm turning 33 tomorrow, and so excited about it! I'm hoping this cycle works. It would be the best belated birthday gift EVER!! I'm also excited to be going to Red Lobster for all you can eat shrimp tomorrow with my Mom, Gram and Aunt Lisa. I look forward to all you can eat shrimp all year long!!! We are also going to see a movie. Any suggestions? I was thinking "I Don't Know How She Does It" with Sarah Jessica Parker.

I'm feeling better. Thanks to all of you who texted and e-mailed me to check on me. I am still bloated and can feel my ovaries when I walk, but I'm not terribly uncomfortable or in pain like I was Thursday. I'm still wearing loose, elastic waistband pants. That was crazy to me. I have never felt like that before. I hope it means good things!!

Last night, I went out to dinner with some friends from work for my birthday, and as always, we had a great time. I love spending time with friends. I hope to keep busy the next two weeks so I don't obsess over my cycle. School in itself is keeping me busy, so I don't need to work hard to find other things to keep me busy!

This morning, I started my Crinone progesterone suppositories. One down. So far so good.

Happy Saturday everyone!

Bloated Ovaries...

Oh. my. gosh. My ovaries are making me SO uncomfortable. As each hour passes, I become more uncomfortable. I feel heavy and achy, and there is lots of pressure down there. I wish I could stay home tonight, but I have to go to work for Open House. Walking is uncomfortable. I am walking very gingerly in an effort to not feel like things are jostling around in there. While I am uncomfortable, I welcome the feeling. I hope it means that all those follicles are ovulating and giving me several chances at pregnancy this cycle!!

IUI CD 13

My IUI went well this morning. There was a slight complication with the sample. Nurse Gail told me, after my ultrasound, that she would be back in about 15 minutes. After 30 minutes, I began to worry. She finally returned, and told me that after she washed the sample, and looked at it under the microscope, there was hardly any movement. She said the sample looked "cloudy", so she decided to rewash it. After the rewash, there was lots of movement. She said the sample contained a lot of mucus, and the sperm couldn't move. In the end, we had a count of 26 million with 64% motility. While this is the lowest count we've ever had, Gail reassured me anything over 20 million and 40% motility is excellent. She rated us a 3+.

It is likely I will ovulate 4-5 follicles on each side. I am so pleased that so many follicles caught up to that lead and grew, grew, grew!! My ovaries are filled with follicles, and for the first time ever, I can feel them. My lower abdomen feels "full", especially when I walk.

I will be taking Crinone vaginally this cycle, starting Saturday morning (one time per day in the mornings). While my lining was 10.5, which is excellent, the Dr. feels it can't hurt. I said I wanted to pull out all the stops this cycle, and I wasn't kidding! Even if it means inserting progesterone gel vaginally every morning. All in the name of a baby!

This cycle is GOING TO WORK!!!!!



Look at all those follicles!!! And that is just the right (good) side!! Yahoo!!!

FINALLY!!

Well, my ultrasound this morning showed a 15, 16, and 17 on the R side and an 18 on the left. Those 11's grew, grew, grew!! I trigger with Ovidrel tonight at 7:30 and go for my IUI Thursday morning at 7:30am. I took the day off of work, since my job is different this year. It is much more running around, standing, carrying heavy bags, etc. I will, however, go in that evening for open house to meet some of my parents.

I can't believe we have the opportunity to complete this cycle afterall! I'm so psyched and excited for this to work! I feel like I have a great shot this cycle.

Thanks for all the positive thoughts!

CD 9 ultrasound

Edited to add - The Dr. decreased me from 5 vials to 2 vials tonight and tomorrow night. I go back for an ultrasound and bloodwork at 7:15am Tuesday morning. Please, right side, GROW GROW GROW!!!



I went in this morning for bloodword and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a 15 on the Left side, and three 11's on the Right side. And several 10's on both sides. (I would feel more confident though if it was a nurse doing my ultrasound. It was the weekend tech, and I don't really care for her all that much.) I'm disappointed that my lead follicle is on the left. I really need those 11's to grow, grow, grow and the 15 to slow, slow, slow!!!

I'm feeling discouraged this morning. But I have to try to force myself to hold onto hope.

I will call for instructions this afternoon. I'll update later. I'm off to a birthday party for my favorite 4 year old now!!!

CD 8

Oh my gosh, I can't believe how much I slept yesterday/last night. I laid down when I came home from work around 4, and quickly fell asleep. I pretty much slept on and off until this morning. I even slept through dinner. I never heard Kenny screaming at me from the bottom of the stairs.

I had my bloodwork Thursday morning, and I was instructed to continue with 5 vials through Saturday night. I go in Sunday morning at 8:30 for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I cannot wait to see what 30 vials of meds does for my right ovary!! Fingers crossed. I have to admit, I am very nervous about it.

The Keith Urban concert was fabulous, as always! I can't remember how many I've been to now, but I'm definitely in the double digits!

This week sure kept me busy. I like my new position at work, but I can tell I'm going to sleep well this year! Each day is busy busy busy. I practically run from one end of the building to the other all day long. I LOVE the teachers I'm working with, and am excited to get into some instruction! I can also tell that I'm going to have to work hard to remain organized this year. All my hard work this year will pay off next year and in years to come.

On the agenda for today - laundry, school work, and relaxing.

Tomorrow - my favorite 4 year old's birthday party!!! :)

Tired and headaches...

I went back to work yesterday. Today was my first day with students. And I am EXHAUSTED.

The 5 vials a night seem to be causing me headaches. A small price to pay if this cycle works.

Bloodwork tomorrow morning. Keith Urban concert tomorrow night. It's a fun filled day!! I better go rest up...

Stim, baby, Stim!!

I just called the patient hotline, and I will be starting with 5 vials (375 units) of Bravelle/Menopur. Bloodwork only Thursday morning. Sending positive thoughts to my right ovary!!!!

Babies for Sale

Kenny: "Babies are on sale at Target this week for $6."
Me: "Let's get two!"

Ovaries and Rainbows

I went for my CD 3 ultrasound and bloodwork at 7:45 am this morning. While I was not pleased to have to get up so early, I was pleased to hear that my ovaries are quiet and I can start stimming tonight (assuming my bloodwork is OK). I will start stimming this cycle with 4 vials (300 units).

I also saw the following quote on the sign of a local church on my way in: "You need both the sun and the rain to make a rainbow." I've sure seen some rainy days; here's hoping that sunny ones are just around the corner.

CD 2

Nothing exciting to report here. I just listened to one of my "medicated cycle meditations" in an effort to get my mind in a better place before I start stimming tomorrow night. Hoping for an uneventful appointment tomorrow morning so that I can start Injectable IUI Cycle #5 tomorrow night. I'll be starting with 4 vials of Bravelle/Menopur this cycle in an effort to get some better response on the right side!

CD 1

Well, shortly after posting on my blog last night, my period started. No cramps, brown spotting, or sore boobs; no signs at all. It just started. So today is CD 1. Heeding advice from friends, I will continue trying. I just can't imagine feeling happy and fulfilled without a child. I guess I will try until I've exhausted the remaining medication I have. I go in for CD 3 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday at 7:45am.

Thursday morning, my husband called me to tell me the front windshield on our truck was cracked. WTH?!? We just replaced the rear window on the same vehicle in June. We took the truck in today, and they can't replace the windshield because of rust on the frame where the adhesive would have to go. It is actually the rust that caused the crack. Unbelieveable. We have to take it to a body shop now and it could cost anywhere from $200 to $600 or more depending on how extensive the rust is. And not to mention, I go back to work on Tuesday and neither of us can be without a vehicle. Just another something to be upset and aggravated about...

I'm going to get my hair cut and colored tonight, and then meeting a couple friends afterwards. Thank goodness for friends who understand...XOXO

Day 29...

Nothing new to report. I'm on CD 29, and no sign of a period. No cramping or any other typical symptoms of an approaching period. My office waits until day 35 before prescribing Provera. And I was really hoping to avoid Provera. Why can't my body work like normal?

I'm feeling very discouraged today. Frustrated. Sad. Defeated. This is all becoming too much to handle. I feel as if I have finally reached my breaking point. I'm not sure if I can continue this journey. I feel like I can't quit, but on the flip side, like I can't keep going. I don't know what to do.

Just another day filled with fear...

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt

These past couple of weeks since being canceled have been a rollercoaster of emotions. One day, I feel better and ready to face my next cycle. Then, the next day I feel like crawling under a rock again. I can't stand this rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm also filled with so many more fears than before. Now that I've been canceled, I will worry about this happening again, which will bring added stress to each future cycle. I have the added stress of no more insurance coverage for medication. Fortunately, I do have meds stock piled, but what if I still run out before achieving pregnancy?

I'm so tired of everyone telling me "at least you can get pregnant" or" we know that sperm and egg can meet, we just need to get it in the right spot". Great. As if being pregnant with two ectopics was better than never being pregnant at all. Now, I have one tube and had to have surgery to unblock the other. Which is yet another worry. What if that tube reblocks itself? Polyps form, and it could happen again. So each failed cycle I worry that the tube is blocked again.

I guess all I can do is hope that heartache is behind me. I want to move forward with strength, determination, patience and hope. Strength to recognize what I can and cannot control. Determination to remain in a positive mindset. Patience to realize that everything has to happen in its own time. And hope that we will bring home a baby in 2012.

Wordless Wednesday

Choose Hope by joykeeper via Etsy

Stress Free Infertility...

...as if THAT is possible, right?!?! Talk about an oxymoron.

I came across this blog, Stress Free Infertility the other day and thought I'd share a post from there with ideas on how to be "stress free" through infertility.

100 Ways to Be Stress Free Through Infertility!

1. Blog!

2. Do acupuncture

3. Meditate

4. Go to a support group

5. Go to fertility counseling or coach

6. Go to a life coach

7. Vent to/get support from family and friends

8. Go seek answers or support on message boards

9. Find support through groups on Facebook or Twitter

10. Keep a journal

11. *Take a walk outside

12. *Walk on a treadmill

13. *Take a spin class

14. *Bike outside

15. *Ride an elliptical machine

16. *Take a Pilates class

17. *Do Pilate’s at home

18. *Do yoga at home

19. *Do yoga at the beach

20. *Take a (fertility) yoga class

21. Window shop

22. Shoe shop

23. Clothes shop

24. Shop for Home Decor items

25. Shop for books, music, or movies

26. Go to the mall or outlet center

27. Shop on-line

28. Shop with family (mom, sister, SIL, hubby, etc.)

29. Shop with friends

30. **Window Shop for baby items (Only if this doesn’t cause more stress)

31. Drink plenty of water

32. Drink hot herbal tea

33. Eat organically

34. Eat healthy meals

35. Take a nap

36. Get at least 8 hours of sleep

37. Say a positive affirmation every day

38. Take a hot shower

39. ***Take a bath

40. Put your feet up

41. Read this blog

42. Read other IF blogs

43. Read updates on Twitter

44. Read updates on Facebook-(infertility related or from IF groups)

45. Read inspirational poetry

46. Read your favorite authors

47. Read infertility memoirs

48. Read information from infertility books (Knowledge is power!)

49. Read a good love story

50. Read a book that has been turned into a movie

51. Go to the movies

52. Watch a feel-good movie at home

53. Watch a comedy

54. See a movie in IMAX

55. Watch your favorite TV shows

56. Watch videos on You Tube

57. Go to a Comedy Club

58. Go to an Amusement Park

59. Watch the sunrise

60. Watch the sunset

61. Play a board game

62. Play a game on-line

63. Play a video game

64. Play a game on your phone or P.D.A

65. Host a game night with friends

66. Go out for a game night

67. Go to a fair to play games & win prizes

68. Watch your favorite sports on TV

69. Go to a local pub to watch the game

70. Go see your favorite team play LIVE!

71. Listen to a visualization CD

72. Listen to soothing, relaxing nature sounds

73. Listen to a playlist of slow, relaxing songs

74. Listen to your favorite artist/band

75. Listen to a playlist of your favorite uplifting songs

76. Go to a concert

77. Go to a local place for live music

78. Go to a music festival

79. Create/play your own music

80. Have a party with a music genre as the theme

81. Go on a date with your significant other

82. Go out to dinner with your significant other (or with friends)

83. Go to a Bed & Breakfast with your significant other

84. Go on a picnic with your significant other (or with friends)

85. Take a getaway for the weekend/week with your significant other

86. Take a drive with your significant other (or with friends)

87. Take a cruise with your significant other (or with friends)

88. Go dancing with your significant other (or with friends)

89. Go to a friend’s house with your significant other

90. Be intimate with your significant other

91. Get a manicure

92. Get a pedicure

93. Get a facial

94. Get a massage

95. Get reflexology

96. Get your hair done

97. Get your make-up done

98. Go to a spa for a weekend or a vacation

99. Have a girl’s pampering day

100. Go relax at the beach for some sun therapy

*All of these exercises are low-impact. Consult a doctor if you wish to participate and listen to your doctor’s advice about whether you should exercise or not during a (medicated) cycle.

**This is not meant to upset anyone! I realize this may of course be hard for you! I happen to really enjoy the planning, and picking out and actually buying a few things before becoming pregnant. You may not. If it bothers you, please disregard!

*** Listen to your doctor’s advice about this. Some doctors advise against baths after a certain time in your cycle (like after an embryo transfer or IUI). And the same goes for hot tubs. Please use your best judgement!

I blog, go to acupuncture, meditate and go to a support group (the top four) regularly, so I should be heading in the direction of "stress free". I also plan on getting a manicure and pedicure in the next two weeks. (I found a GREAT deal for $25 (regularly $65) on http://seizethedeal.com.) I also need to get my hair done before school starts. While I'm not sure if I will be stress-free after all of this, I'm sure I will feel a little better.

Enjoy your day! Do something nice for yourself today! (Even if it is laying in bed all day!)

Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

Control

Don't Forget to Make Today Awesome by Anita Ashfield-Salter via Etsy



Hello friends. I'm happy to report that today I find my self feeling a little better than previous days. I spent the day with my husband, who inevitably makes me laugh over the stupidest things!


I saw the psychologist who runs my support group yesterday. I realized while talking with her that I am in control of how I react to things around me, including my infertility. She suggested that I really think about and list the things I can and can't control. When I think about it, I do tend to really stress about things I have no control over. While it really feels like you have control over your body while doing infertility treatments, this canceled cycle has forced me to realize I don't. And I cannot stress about that. I need to let my body do what it does, and keep working towards being healthier and feeling well emotionally. These things, I CAN control! I also can control what I choose to do to help me cope and feel better! And something I am choosing to do is to remind myself each morning that I need to be sure to make today awesome!


In the coming week, I look forward to lunch at Red Lobster with my mother, aunt and gram for Gram's birthday. I also look forward to time with friends and acupuncture. I especially look forward to some pool time! School will be starting in two weeks, so I need to make the best of the vacation I have left!


Remember, YOU have the power to make today really awesome!

Making Babies

I recently came across the Making Babies program. Along with the book, there is an online quiz that will give you information about your fertility type. According to the quiz, I am STUCK and TIRED. Sounds just like me!

Some advice for my type(s):

STUCK

SYMPTOMS:
Stressed out, easily angered
Tension headaches, nervous stomach, high blood pressure, or muscle tightness
PMS Symptoms including breast tenderness and mood swings, painful periods, irregular cycles, clotted menstrual blood.

WESTERN MEDICINE:
Endometriosis
Fibroids
Uterine polyps
PMS
Mittelschmerz (pain during mid-cycle)

TCM PERSPECTIVE:
The tightness of the Stuck type stems from poor energy and blood flow throughout the body, or what is referred to as qi and blood stagnation. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the reproductive system, which can cause ovulation problems and inflexible fallopian tubes. Blood stagnation can cause painful or stop-and-start periods, and can lead to reproductive system obstructions such as endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, and cysts.

ADVICE
Regular aerobic exercise
Plenty of fiber
Stress reduction
Hot water with lemon in the morning
Complex carbohydrates
Avoid soy products
Avoid alcohol

SUPPLEMENTS:
Zinc (especially premenstrually)
B-complex vitamins
Magnesium
Calcium

TIRED

SYMPTOMS:
Often feels weak or lethargic
Prone to getting sick
Gets out of breath and sweats easily, gains weight
Poor appetite
Prone to bloating, gas, and loose stools
Low sex drive
Short luteal phase
Feels cold: hands, feet


WESTERN MEDICINE:
Hypothyroid
Low progesterone
Luteal phase defect
Metabolic disorders


TCM PERSPECTIVE:
This type is called kidney “yang” deficiency in TCM, and reflects a broader hormonal imbalance going beyond reproductive hormones and encompassing the thyroid, adrenals, and pituitary gland. Weakness in these systems affects metabolism, circulation, and thus reproduction.


ADVICE
More animal Protein
Avoid raw and cold foods
Alcohol in moderation
Consume warming soups and stews, and spices: cinnamon,
ginger, cayenne, turmeric, cardamom, cloves, cumin
Regular moderate exercise


SUPPLEMENTS:
Royal jelly
Wheat grass
Chromium (boosts metabolism by enhancing the action of insulin)
L-arginine
Chasteberry (helps sustain post-ovulatory progesterone)

I'm interested to get further into the book, which I downloaded on my Nook. I'm very curious to learn more about this program!