Kiss my ass 2012...

Our plan for 2013? Well, we haven't talked much about it since my surgery. I keep waiting for the "right" time to bring it up, but there never seems to be a right time. I'm hoping that by this time tomorrow my husband and I will have talked about it and agreed on what our path moving forward will include. My post-op appointment is Wednesday at 3:30. I want to go to that appointment knowing what we wish/plan to do. If my husband and I agree to move forward with another IVF, I plan on asking about adding supplements to improve our chances (CoQ10, myo-inositol, Vitamin D, Fish Oil, etc...I've been reading a lot but don't want to add anything without getting Dr. Griffin's thoughts). Hey, if it can't hurt, why not try it?! Oh, and I want to find out if Dr. Griffin saw any evidence of the fibroid that Rochester saw. I can't believe I forgot to ask that prior to surgery. I'm sure if there were anything impinging on my uterus, he would have seen it during surgery, but I want to make sure.

Here's hoping 2013 is kinder to us...

Another childless Christmas...

I'm relaxing on my couch, chai tea piping hot, Christmas tree lit in the corner, A Christmas Story playing on the TV, and husband in the kitchen preparing the ham the two of us will enjoy later. Alone. Again.

I am not participating in holiday activities with my family. I say that as if there were any activities to participate in. My grandfather, who passed away 5+ years ago, was the glue that held our family together. Initially, after he passed, it was too painful to celebrate the holidays in our usual ways. Since then, my family has just grown apart. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays anymore. My family is small. It consists of my mother, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle, and my grandma. And of course my husband and I. That is it. And somehow, with just 7 of us, we manage to ruin every attempt at a celebration. I guess it is just something I should accept. Hopefully, in the future, things will be different. Right now, I don't have the strength to try to change things.

I am much more emotional today than I anticipated. My stomach is in knots, and my chest hurts. Surely it is a combination of the emotional impact of my recent surgery and the realization that we are in the midst of another childless holiday season. I feel like I would be better off being surrounded by people, but at the same time I have no desire to be that miserable person pretending to be jolly.

I have several friends who have been blessed with a child this year, and I am truly happy for them this holiday season.

I also have several friends who have not yet been blessed. For these friends, my heart still breaks. I can only hope that next year will be different.

Hope....it's like teetering on a see-saw. Too much hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Too little hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I never really liked see-saws anyway...

Anyhow, the purpose of this post wasn't simply to whine and cry. The purpose was to share a resource I think could be very helpful to many women/couples going through infertility during the holiday season. Resolve has some wonderful resources that may help.  Check them out here: COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

I'm sincere when I say I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful,  memorable holiday season. I wish each of you strength and that you come out the other side of infertility stronger and content with whatever comes of your struggle.

Merry Christmas! XOXO

The future looks bright...

The surgery went well. The day before surgery, well, that is another story. (I hope this is coherent.)

I felt good about removing the tube all along, until Dr. Griffin called me on Wednesday. He had consulted with Dr. Crickard after finally seeing all the films from the HSG and then called me to share Dr. Crickard's insights. Dr. Crickard felt we should leave the tube alone. I was angry that Dr. Crickard would even have an opinion regarding my case seeing as though I feel his practice made several "mistakes" regarding my treatment plan through the years. I also was angry that this put doubt in my head. I talked to my closest friends (I couldn't get in touch with my husband) and quickly realized I had to be aggressive and remain determined that we remove that tube. My gut kept telling me I was making the right decision. I shared my thoughts with Dr. G, who really seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also asked him if he could, with 100% certainty, confirm that this tube was not leaking fluid that could have caused our IVF to fail. He said he couldn't. At that moment, it was reaffirmed I was making the right decision, and I think he realized it too. He asked if it would be OK if he called one of his old colleagues, Dr. Queenan in Rochester, for another opinion. He felt the more opinions, the better. Of course I didn't mind. I was especially relieved when Dr. Queenan's opinion was to remove the tube. My case isn't a textbook case; I cannot be categorized. Given my history, Dr. Queenan felt removing the tube would give us the best chance moving forward. Dr. G agreed, and the plan to move forward was still in place.

In the end, I'm so glad I stood my ground and was adamant that we go in and visualize that tube. I told Dr. G that if it made him feel better or more confident, I would let him make a game day decision once he got in there. We agreed that if the tube looked perfect and the dye spilled through, he would leave it. (Neither of us were expecting this, just to be clear. We both anticipated a worse looking tube than what was seen in October.) If it looked the least bit suspect, he would remove it. Dr. G told my husband afterwards that when he got in there, he saw a twisted, dilated, distorted tube filled with fluid and diverticulae pockets. No doubt, it had to go. Dr. G also said he feels confident to say that the "chemical" pregnancy in September 2011 was actually a third ectopic in this tube.  How many people can say that lightning struck them not once, not twice, but THREE times?!

I was taken back into surgery early and it took a little longer than anticipated. I was also in recovery a little longer due to some difficulty breathing while coming out of the anesthesia. After several hours we were finally released and I arrived home late Thursday evening.

Thursday night and Friday were rough as I had bad pain in my right shoulder from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen with. The belly button incision site also remains painful. I'm most comfortable when lying flat (aside from the heartburn lying flat causes). I showered this morning and feel much better.  I slept through the night last night, and have been awake all morning so far. (I do feel a nap coming soon though...)

I'm anxious to meet with Dr. G the first week of January to see the pictures myself. I also am anxious to hopefully finalize a plan to move forward with IVF. Buffalo does a payment plan, so I'm hoping I can convince my husband to move forward sooner than later. I also plan to contact my insurance company. I know they don't cover anything related to IVF, but given that IVF is medically necessary for us now that I have no tubes, I want to know if that changes anything. Probably not, but it can't hurt to ask.

I feel optimistic. The future looks bright...I feel like we are closer to our baby than we have ever been!

And then there were none....

This Thursday, I will be having surgery to remove my remaining tube. While deep down I think I knew this day would come eventually, I was not entirely prepared for that day to be today. Dr. G scheduled the surgery while I was sitting in his office. I have what is known as hydrosalpinx. This basically means that my tube is grossly enlarged and filled with fluid. This fluid can be toxic to an embryo, which may explain our failed IVF. Regardless, if we are to move forward with treatment, the tube has to go.

I am relieved to think I will no longer have my tubes that have caused me nothing but heartache. However, the thought that I will NEVER, EVER conceive without IVF causes me much sadness and heartache. Even in the face of infertility, I think every woman holds on to some hope each month that pregnancy *could* happen. I feel as if I am being robbed of my fertility. This is a very difficult situation to swallow. Thursday will surely be a very difficult day. I hope I wake up from surgery with a renewed sense of hope, and not just sadness at what I am losing.

I really liked Dr. G. It was clear to me that he studied our chart and knew our case prior to me walking through the door. His bedside manner was phenomenal. I look forward to what the future with him as our doctor may bring.

Standing on a line...

Tomorrow morning I have a consult back in Buffalo with Dr. G. (He is new to Buffalo. He came from Strong Fertility in Rochester.) I'm hoping Dr. G will restore my faith in Buffalo.

Why am I returning to Buffalo? 1. I called Rochester three times asking for a return phone call to answer some questions I had and I never received a call back. 2. If we were to cycle again, Buffalo is 30 minutes away versus the 60 minute ride to Rochester. I would have to take half days off from work to travel back and forth from Rochester for monitoring and that would burn up a ton of my very limited sick time. 3. If we were to do another IVF in Buffalo, I believe we would still qualify for the second cycle rate.

I have to put my pride and anger with Buffalo behind me. At this point, I just want to get pregnant. I don't care where or how. I am not expecting a different recommendation, but I am hoping Dr. G will give a shit that we've been at this for so long now and will genuinely want to help. 38 months spent in Buffalo with no baby to show for our time there. Dr. Crickard told me in August he was "embarrassed" that we had been there so long and they had not gotten us a viable pregnancy. Immediately after saying that, he handed me the lupron trigger, told me a nurse would be in with instructions, and he left the room. I never saw or heard from him again. He knew that cycle was a bust. But, I was just another widget on the Buffalo IVF conveyor belt. I desperately need some compassion and someone who cares.

I don't know if we will be able to cycle again, but these past few months of not knowing what the future would bring is boding well for me, physically or emotionally. I need to have a plan in place. I need to know what will come next. I'm not ready to give up. Not now. Not yet.

Moving forward...

I'm doing OK. Really, I am. My absence has simply been due to the fact that I've been very busy. Work, Drama Club, work, Drama Club, etc, etc, etc...

Recently, my friend texted me basically telling me to hang in there. My reply..."I can't continue to focus solely on the shitty aspects of my life (mainly infertility). My life is and will be what I make it. I need to move forward and continue to work towards being the healthiest me I can be. Who knows what the future will bring, But, I can't waste my life waiting and hoping for something that may or may not ever be. Instead, I've made the decision to carry on and carry on I will." Moving forward doesn't necessarily mean giving up. For me, it just means refocusing and perhaps putting more time and energy into things that are guaranteed to make me feel good.

When someone asks what I plan on doing in terms of infertility, I simply reply, "We are not aggressively moving forward with infertility treatments at the present time. What the future will bring, nobody knows. But in the meantime, I refuse to sit around and focus solely on achieving pregnancy when there is so much more to life."

I stopped the birth control early in the week.

I never heard back from Rochester after calling and asking the doctor to call me back at her earliest convenience. I called Tuesday early afternoon.

I've been toying with the idea of returning to Buffalo since there is a new doctor there that came from Rochester. A second IVF cycle there would be cheaper, not to mention much more convenient. We would still need to save and find a way to pay for it.

I have meds left that will expire soon that I would like to use.

I've toyed with the idea of doing an injectable cycle with timed intercourse. I've also toyed with the idea of just tracking my cycles at home (hoping I have a few regular ones again) and seeing what happens while continuing to work on losing more weight. I've been told, probably more times than I have cared to hear, that miracles happen. I'm not sure I believe that miracles happen as much as I believe that timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.

In the meantime while I sort out all my thoughts, I will continue to focus on each day as best as I can. I know some days will be better than others.

In other news, I've been taking my new Isotonix vitamins for one week. Words cannot begin to describe the difference in how I feel. I have loads of energy, and my head feels clearer. I dont want to sleep or lay around all day. I am once again accomplishing tasks around the house. I'm sleeping well consistently. Even given the recent news from Rochester, I am not curled up in a ball under the covers like I feel I would have been two weeks ago. I find it so hard to believe that within a couple of days taking these new vitamins I could feel so much better. But, there is nothing else to account for the change.

I have completely stopped taking the Zoloft and Abilify. The only medications I continue to take are the thyroid hormone and the Metformin. I was toying with going off the Metformin and looking for something more natural to supplement with, but my endocrinologist highly enoucraged me to stay on the Metformin if we think we may continue TTC or while I am trying to continue with weight loss. So, I will say on it.

I will continue with Weight Watchers and try to squeeze in exercise as often as I can during Drama season. I will not beat myself up if I don't make it to the gym given my schedule right now. I will begin doing things I enjoy again. I will focus on the positive things in life and what will be, will be in terms of my struggle with infertility.

When is enough enough?

How do you decide when enough is enough when you are talking about the one thing you want most in life?! Please, someone have an answer for me. I simply don't know how to make this decision.

No news isn't always good news...

Rochester didn't give us any gift money.

From the phone call today, it seemed I was being told there was no money currently to give. I was in shock and couldn't really ask any questions at the time. I was told to call next year and try again. WTF?! Call next YEAR and try again?!

I called back about 2 hours later after the news started to settle in and asked for my doctor to call back. She didn't. I'm confused because if there was no money to give, then why get someone all excited at the prospect? Why send someone for additional testing if there is no money to give. Leave well enough alone and be honest.

If there was no money to give, fine. But I feel like I'm not being told the whole story. And if anything, I've learned to ask questions and go with my gut.

I want to know if there really was money to give. I want to know what to do about the fibroid that I now have that wasn't there with my IUI in August. I want to know if I can discontinue the pill. I want to know what the doctor feels about my test results. How much time do we have to play with before my fertility starts heading downhill?

To IUI or not to IUI, that is the million dollar question. If we do decide to do injectables again, I think I want to trigger and have sex in my own bed. I do not want to do anymore inseminations. I'm IUI'd out. It is just hard because my left ovary is dominant, and I only have a right tube. Also, driving back and forth to Rochester for monitoring would suck.

I'm sick to think about the meds I saved that will now likely expire before I can use them. I can't see us being able to save enough money to do another IVF anytime soon. We have auto repairs we've been holding off on and bills to pay. We have lots of catching up to do after a dry summer with very few lawns to cut and maintain. My husband's hours were so minimal this summer that we are so far behind right now. We've cut back on everything we can; so please don't tell me that if we really wanted this we would find a way. I've heard that already and it makes me want to vomit. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother.

Right now, it seems we are at a turning point. Again. I feel like we are at the end of the road. I needed this last opportunity. I had already promised my husband, who hates seeing me suffer month after month, that this would be it. Now what? I don't know. But I do know I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any longer.

Stop the ride. I want off.

Test results...

My blood test results are as follows:

Day 3 E2: 14 pg/mL
Day 3 FSH: 6.4 mIU/mL
AMH: 6.22 ng/mL

I'm new to the FSH and AMH test. From what I'm reading, they are both normal. However, I read that my AMH level might be indicative of PCOS. No surprise there.

I did not hear from Rochester today about the gift money. I hope no news is good news. FINGERS CROSSED!

So much to update....

I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I've updated my blog. In all honesty, the past two months have both dragged and flown by. Is that even possible? Between having pneumonia, being overwhelmed at work and the start of Drama Club (I'm an advisor), I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm finding myself in bed around 7pm, after arriving home just an hour earlier from rehearsal. Our show isn't until the end of January, so I don't see things getting better in the near future.

This morning I went to spinning class at World Gym. It was a 45 minute class and I burned 700 calories according to my heart rate monitor. Not too shabby. However, it was hard. I'm not in the best shape right now after struggling through several months of complacency. Time to kick it up a notch and find ways to fit in time to exercise again. At the beginning of the year when embarking on this lifestyle change, I would not allow myself to use "I don't have time" as an excuse. I MADE the time.  Even though it really seems like I don't have the time right now, I have to find the time. If I go after rehearsal, I won't get home until close to 8. That is pretty late to eat dinner, wind down, finish up any last minute planning for school, not to mention do laundry, pick up, etc. The gym doesn't have morning classes that fit my schedule. I need to be at school by 7:30. The classes are all 6-7am, and that wouldn't leave me enough time to drive to work, let alone shower and get cleaned up. So, I'm not sure what to do. For now, I think I will definitely work out on Saturday and Sunday, and even if i just squeeze in 1-2 additional workouts for now during the week, it is surely better than nothing.

In terms of Weight Watchers, I feel like I'm finally back on track. I logged a 2.8 pound loss last week. That felt so good. I have a few more to go to get back to where I was in June. While it has saddened me to think about how much more weight I could have lost since June, I can't change the past, I can only make a plan to change the future and move forward.

In terms of infertility, you may recall I am now a patient of Strong Fertility in Rochester, about an hour from my house. The drive is nice and easy, but the other day when I had to go in the morning before work, it was tough. An hour there, and then an hour and twenty minutes back to work. I missed over 2 hours of work for a quick sonogram and blood work. But, I will do whatever I must to bring me closer to my goal of motherhood. I had to have AMH blood work (ovarian reserve test) and a sonogram. The clinic has gift money they are awarding patients, and I hope to be one of the ones they gift money to. I should find out tomorrow or Tuesday if we have been chosen. I am anxious and excited at the possibility of having another chance at pregnancy.  It seems like each time I feel like a door slams in my face, another one opens for us. This is truly our last chance. We don't even have the money to cover the remaining costs of this cycle if we are awarded the money. But, I hope we can find a way. We haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it because if the clinic comes back and tells us we weren't chosen, all that time and energy would have been spent for nothing. We simply cannot fund an entire IVF cycle right now. I'm not sure how we could in the near future either. My union at work voted to take a pay cut, and my husband's hours have been limited as well. The debt is beginning to pile up. But, we keep plugging along. What else can one do?!

If we are chosen and can find a way to fund the remaining portion of the cycle, we would start with my next period in early December because the money has to be used before the calendar year ends. I'm currently on the pill in preparation for starting an IVF cycle. If it falls through, I would simply finish out this pill pack and then stop taking it anyhow. Perhaps we would do another IUI. Now that I think about it, I probably haven't updated since my repeat HSG.

If you recall, my paperwork from Buffalo was a disaster when I received it. While sorting through it, there were some red flags that stood out to me. One being that I was told after having a tubal cannulation surgery on May 5th, 2011 that my tube was indeed unblocked. At the repeat HSG test a few weeks after the surgery, the dye spilled into the tube and my doctor told me the surgery was a success! We went on to complete more IUI cycles, complete with a "chemical" pregnancy in September that most likely was another ectopic that resolved itself early on. Well, the report from that HSG indicated that while the tube was unblocked at the uterine end, it was blocked as well at the ovarian end. The doctor never told me that. In early October, I went out to Rochester for a repeat HSG to see what was going on. The dye did spill through the tube, but the tube is grossly enlarged and deformed at the ovarian end. Dr. Vitek, my Rochester doctor, said that we could do another IUI if this money doesn't come through or if we cannot find a way to fund the remaining portion of the IVF. She said we would be monitored closely if we achieve pregnancy through IUI to ensure it is not ectopic. If it were suspected to be ectopic, she said they would treat it right away. I told her that if it were a suspected ectopic, I would want to schedule surgery right away to remove the tube, eliminating the chances of another rupture. That was an extremely difficult situation and I don't want to repeat it. Honestly, doing another IUI scares me. It is so much more emotional for me than IVF. For an IUI, I would need my right ovary to produce eggs. And, historically it doesn't do much. My left is my dominant ovary, and for IUI, it does us no good to have mature follicles on the left and smaller ones on the right. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of doing another IUI, but I guess if it were my only shot, I would. I just don't know right now. And thankfully, I don't have to decide today.

In other news, I have decided to go off of my depression medications. I saw my psychiatrist a little over a week ago, and at that appointment we decided to leave things the same. I was on a relatively low dose of two medications, an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. My doctor always tells me that the risks are minimal, and that the mental well being of the mother far outweighs the risks. I always agreed, until last weekend. I was watching the news, and there was a feature story about women on SSRI medications having higher miscarriage rates. I researched further and found that over 40 studies link birth defects to children whose mothers were on SSRI meds. There are several studies also to support the theory that SSRI meds cause preterm births and higher rates of miscarriage. While the particular medications I am on are still considered "lower" risk even in light of this information, there is still a risk. One that I don't feel comfortable with. So, I called my psychiatrist and we talked on the phone for over 45 minutes. He doesn't really support my decision to discontinue meds, but ultimately I think he recognizes it is my decision. Historically, when trying to go off of meds, I manage for 2-5 months before ending up back in his office in tears unable to cope. I'm hoping that if I get pregnant, the joy of FINALLY being pregnant will ride me out for a bit. At least through the first trimester. The bottom line is I will never know unless I try. And I'm not willing to go into an IVF cycle, one which will cost me a great deal of money, knowing this information about increased miscarriage risks, and not do anything about it. I am going into this with an open mind, and am well aware I may end up back on the medication. So be it. I will ultimately feel better knowing I tried. I still agree that a healthy mother is better than an unhealthy one. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of my closest friends. They all know me very well, and often can identify before I can that things are heading downhill for me emotionally and mentally. I have agreed to listen to them. And if they recognize things heading in the wrong direction, I will call my doctor. I'm well aware of the fact that I very likely will end up back on medication. I am OK with that. However, I feel strongly about trying to manage through a pregnancy without them. Please understand that this is a very personal decision, and I do not feel it would be the right one for every woman on SSRI meds. Please respect it is MY decision. This decision has caused me a great deal of stress, especially given my doctor doesn't fully support it. I have always respected him, and continue to, therefore making it more difficult to go against his recommendation. I just hope that given I am taking better care of myself than I ever have (losing weight, exercising, etc.) I will manage OK. I also plan on calling my counselor and making an appointment to be proactive during this time. Please know that I will delete any comments that are not supportive or are outright rude. I do not need that. I hesitated sharing this on my blog, but I've always been very open on here and wish to continue to be open.

Once I decided to go off the medication, I started researching other ways to manage moods more naturally. I have read extensive research on vitamin therapy. There is research to support that vitamins B, D and C can help with moods. There is also a supplement called myo-inositol that can greatly help with anxiety. It also has been proven effective in helping women with PCOS who also struggle with infertility.

"Myo-inositol is NOT a pharmaceutical drug. It is a naturally occurring substance produced in the human body that belongs to the vitamin B complex group. Myo-inositol is one of nine different types of inositol and can be found naturally in many foods such as fruits, nuts and beans. It is a precursor to a number of ”signaling molecules” that essentially tell cells how to behave. Of the nine different types of inositol, two have insulin-sensitizing capabilities: myo-inositol and d-chiro-inositol (My focus for this article is going to be on myo-inositol.) Myo-inositol is integral to properly functioning insulin-receptors and has also been linked to the activation of serotonin (a “feel good” hormone) receptors, which could relieve depression and improve appetite, mood and anxiety (1, 2)." De-Mystifying Myo-Inositol

I plan to continue to read more about Myo-Inositol. I have a friend who has had several consults with other clinics after suffering through several failed IVF cycles both in Rochester and Buffalo. She was recommended this supplement as part of an IVF regimen. She told me about, and I in turn told another friend about it who struggles with anxiety. This friend has since told me it has changed her life. In a matter of a couple of days. She has been taking it for about a week and "feels human again". Again, I am not a doctor. Please, if you wish to add anything to your daily regimen, talk to your doctor. I plan on talking to my doctor in Rochester after finding out about this gift money to see about adding Myo-Inositol.

In the meantime, I am starting a new vitamin regimen tomorrow. I currently take a prenatal and a B12. Once again, I am noticing pills in the toilet. I don't know what my crazy body is doing. And my doctor doesn't either. So I have decided to go to a powdered prenatal (Isotonix Prenatal) and B-complex (Isotonix B-Complex) vitamin. There are many advantages to Isotonix products. They become isotonic when mixed with water. Isotonic, which means “same pressure,” bears the same chemical resemblance of the body’s blood, plasma and tears. All fluids in the body have a certain concentration, referred to as osmotic pressure. The body’s common osmotic pressure, which is isotonic, allows a consistent maintenance of body tissues. In order for a substance to be absorbed and used in the body’s metabolism, it must be transported in an isotonic state. Isotonix dietary supplements are delivered in an isotonic solution. This means that the body has less work to do to in obtaining maximum absorption. The isotonic state of the suspension allows nutrients to pass directly into the small intestine and be rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream. With Isotonix products, little nutritive value is lost, making the absorption of nutrients highly efficient while delivering maximum results. The solutions offer the fastest and most efficient absorption of all oral forms of nutritional supplementation. Faster and more efficient absorption into the bloodstream increases the value of taking nutrient supplements. Isotonix solutions do not linger in the stomach. Because isotonic fluids pass through the stomach quickly and are rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream, many gastrointestinal discomforts can be avoided. Isotonix products are not encapsulated or compacted into a "pill form". There is no need for fillers, binders, coatings, lubricants, disintegrators or artificial coloring and flavoring. All Isotonix ingredients are from the finest naturally derived sources available.

I feel like I sound like a commercial. I apologize for that. I am just so excited to try something new that has the potential to help me feel so much better. I'm hoping I feel a difference relatively quickly. I will be sure to report back as to how I feel! Casey, my Isotonix "consultant", said with the B-complex I could feel a difference within a day or two in regards to my energy level.

I think that is all for now. How is THAT for an update?!

I promise not to disappear for so long again!

The Three D's...

I'm currently re-reading Eat That Frog! by Brian Tracy. While the information contained in the book certainly isn't new or earth-shattering, it is a well written look at how to stop procrastinating and getting your priorities in order.

I'm reading each chapter (the book is only 128 pages - a very quick read) and really putting some thought into how the principles apply to my life. I'm finding my daily to-do list getting longer and longer and I'm procrastinating more and more. To the point of avoiding what are probably the most important tasks in my life...

In the Introduction, we are introduced to The Three D's of New Habit Formation. It states, "You need three key qualities to develop the habits of focus and concentration, which are all learnable. They are decision, discipline, and determination. First, make a decision to develop the habit of task completion. Second, discipline yourself to practice the principles you are about to learn over and over until they become automatic. And third, back everything you do with determination until the habit is locked in and becomes a permanent part of your personality."

These "Three D's" really strike a chord with me right now in my life. As you all know, I'm struggling greatly with resuming my weight-loss journey. (I'm trying to look at the fact that we are unable to do an IVF cycle right now as an opportunity to continue my weight loss journey. Some days I believe that having no money right now is a good thing because it allows me time to continue to lose weight and get healthier. Other days, not so much.) So often on my journey, people ask me what motivates me. I've blogged before about Motivation, and while getting pregnant should be my motivator, I still stand behind the idea that determination is what keeps me moving forward (with the occasional backslide - hey, I'm only human).

I came home from work today and wanted so badly to lay on the couch and nap. Then I remembered reading about "The Three D's", and I decided I would go to the gym instead. I decided I would keep going until it becomes automatic again. I. Am. Determined. I recognize I will struggle some days. I recognize I am not perfect. I recognize each day I will have to make decisions and follow through with determination. (Even when I would rather lay on the couch.)

Finally, I recognize that I have come so far, and I simply cannot allow myself to go back to where I was.

Setting goals...

This has been One. Hard. Month. I really thought (shame on me) that the return of daily routine would automatically bring with it the return of a fitness/food routine. Boy, was I wrong. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to work hard to regain my momentum. How the heck did I lose the weight I did? I feel like I have no idea where to begin again. Not to mention that it makes me so sad to think about "starting again" when I really should have never "stopped".

I feel like I have no time to exercise or plan like I used to. I'm tired and am feeling a lot of stress with work. I feel like I'm spread too thin. But, no way can I allow myself to continue backsliding like I am. I'm tired of watching the scale go up. I'm tired of feeling out of control.

The following quote really struck a chord with me - "If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else." ~ Lawrence J. Peter

Given that I know where I want to go, I best set some goals to help me get there so I don't end up somewhere else that I don't want to be. Therefore, this week's goals are:

1. I will schedule in gym time for the week. This week is extremely busy, but I can't keep making excuses. I need to get back to prioritizing, and that means making time for ME. There was a time, not that long ago, where I would not let anything get in the way of my gym time. My goal this week is three trips to the gym. I will also contemplate setting a new fitness goal (perhaps another 5K). I also plan on revisiting a book I bought after reading about it on another blog (but I never actually read it), The New Rules of Lifting for Women.

2. I will plan what I will make and eat the next few days. (I will focus on portion control and the healthy guidelines that WW maps out.)

3. I will visit some of my favorite WW-friendly food sites to plan out some upcoming meals.

4. I will get back to tracking my food this week.

5. I will one again ban soda, and I will limit my wine consumption (honestly tracking the points for each glass I have).

6. I will reread my WW Week 1 book to refocus my mind to the task at hand and give me a new member mentality in an effort to motivate me to get back on track.

7. I will create some sort of accountability system for myself. On pinterest, I saw an idea where someone put $1 in a jar every time they worked out and set a goal that they would do something fun when it reached a certain amount. I'm thinking of doing that, and adding in $5 for every pound I lose. I'm thinking that would help motivate me as all that money could hopefully go towards a future IVF cycle.

8. I will spend some time on weightwatchers.com reading success stories and looking for some motivation.

9. I will remind myself daily that I did this before, and I can do it again.

10. I will re-enlist the help/support of friends to keep me on track.

I know for me it is a constant mind game. I need to be stronger in my mind and keep my ultimate goal in the forefront of my mind. I've also seen people write goals on post it notes and hang them in places visible to them daily. I'm thinking about writing down my weight on a post it note each week and hanging it on the fridge. I'm also thinking of finding and writing out a motivational quote each week to focus on.

The bottom line is, I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I've not given up, and that is the greatest gift I've ever given to myself.

 

Mish mash...

Last week, I returned to work. I'm an 8th grade special education teacher. This year, in addition to my 8th grade consultant teaching and resource room teaching duties, I am also teaching AIS ELA for 7th grade and AIS Math for 6th and 7th grade. (AIS stands for Academic Intervention Services.) In no way am I unhappy that I am teaching AIS, however, I am frustrated that I wasn't notified until the day before school started that I was teaching it. Especially given it is 6th and 7th grade. I have no resources for AIS, and am scrambling daily to keep my head above water. I enjoy my job (the part that actually includes working with the kids, that is), but feel like this year I am not being given the support to be successful at it. I know I'm not the only teacher in my building and/or district who feels this way. This is especially frustrating given that teachers are being evaluated by a new system this year, affectionately known as APPR. This new teacher evaluation system is a major sticking point in the current Chicago teachers strike. I will refrain from climbing on my soapbox and discussing my personal feelings about APPR today. Maybe in a future post...

Last Tuesday, while at work, Dr. Vitek from Rochester called. She said the team met (their clinic doctors work as a team and discuss every case to form a plan), and that they all agreed IVF is our best option. However, she did say, given our insurance coverage, that she could repeat the HSG test to check the right tube. She said sometimes tubes spasm during the test. It can't hurt. My insurance will cover it. If on the off chance the tube isn't blocked, we could use our two remaining injectable/IUI cycles covered by insurance. If those don't work, we will have stockpiled some more meds for an IVF cycle. My meds start expiring in the early part of next year, so I am hoping we can figure this all out by then. So, I will call with the start of my next period and schedule the HSG (which will occur between days 5 and 12 of my cycle). If my cycle remains 28 days as it has been the past several months (before this last IUI), I should expect my period towards the end of next week. I am not going into the test hoping for an unblocked tube; I am really doing it more for peace of mind and confirmation.

Returning to work last week brought with it a return to a routine. I've learned that I need routine in my life to be successful with my weight loss goals. This summer was especially hard. No routine = no weight loss. In fact, I gained. I'm ashamed to admit that, but there is no way around it. When I weighed in last week, I was up 12.4 pounds. That is how EASY it is for me to gain weight. 12.4 pounds since June 12th. 12.4 pounds in 12 weeks. So, in essence, I gained about a pound a week this summer. No bueno! When I weighed in last night, after one week back on plan, I was down 6.4 pounds!!! So, 6 more pounds to go to get to pre-summer weight. I HATE having to re-lose weight I've already lost. My short-term goal is to lose 7 more pounds by the end of September so I can enter the 220's! (I'm not sure if I ever admitted what my starting weight was on here. I guess now is as good a time as ever. My starting weight, right after my IVF failed in January, was 280.6 pounds. I cringe when I think back to that weight.

I'm going to share a picture I never thought I'd share on my blog. This picture is actually two pictures side by side - my school picture from September 2011 on the left, and my new license picture from August 2012 on the right. I can't believe the difference I see between the two pictures. When I look at myself everyday, it isn't easy to see a difference. But, after looking at these pictures, WOW!!

Lots of people at work, who haven't seen me all summer, are complimenting me on how I look. At first, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now, I LOVE it! Why not take credit where credit is due?! I worked HARD to lose the weight I've lost and I feel good about it. Now, I just have to keep it up!

Oh, how could I forget to mention that I signed up for an adult Hip Hop class at a local dance studio?! The class is on Tuesday nights from 7:30-8:30. Last night was the first class, and all I can say about it is that it was HARD. My friends Phoebe and Elisabete (who I met at Infertility Support Group in 2010) are doing the class as well. I can imagine some of the questions people have....

1. No, I have NEVER danced before.
2. Yes, there is a recital in June.
3. Yes, I will be participating in the recital.
4. Yes, there will be costumes and I will wear one!

As always, thanks for checking in!

Closet Purging...

This morning, I took on the dreaded task of weeding/purging/organizing my closet. 5 hours later, 106 empty hangers, and 10, yes 10, thirty-gallon trash bags filled to the max , I'm happy to report I'm finished! I got rid of all my too-big, outdated and/or worn out clothes. I said goodbye to some of my favorites, but created space for some new favorites! I feel I could weed out a few more pieces, but for now, I feel good about what I accomplished! My new rule - when something comes in, something goes out!

Some pictures of my project....

 

Before

 

 

Before

 

Clothes to get rid of...

 

106 empty hangers....

 

Shane isn't as excited as I am about this project!

 

AFTER!!

Consult Outcome

I apologize for not posting sooner, but I've been trying to absorb the conversation from our consult. We really like Dr. Vitek, and the Rochester office is very nice. The 52 minute ride out was quiet, as we were both nervous as to what we would learn. Sadly, the 52 minute ride home was even quieter as we were both reflecting silently on what we heard.

In a nutshell, IVF is our only chance to conceive. The report from Buffalo regarding our HSG last June (after our tubal cannulation surgery in May) indicated that the tube filled with dye, but spillage at the distal end was not observed. This means that removing the polyp blocking the proximal end of the tube opened it up to allow the dye to flow through, but there is another blockage at the distal (ovary) end that is preventing the dye from spilling out. Therefore, the tube remains blocked. (We were told the surgery was successful and that the tube was unblocked. We've done three injectable IUI cycles since being told the tube is open. We also had a "chemical" pregnancy after the HSG. Dr. Vitek highly suspects that this was indeed a THIRD ectopic pregnancy that resolved itself early on.) There is no surgery to try to unblock a tube blocked at the distal end. We don't understand why we were told the tube was open when clearly it wasn't?!

Dr. Vitek also confirmed my suspicion that I have PCOS. During my 38 month stint in Buffalo, no one ever mentioned PCOS to me. I am reading a book on PCOS and am surprised at how the pieces of the puzzle are all coming together. High cholesterol, high testosterone, thinning scalp hair, weight gain/obesity, difficulty losing weight, skin tags, irregular periods, sleep apnea, depression and anxiety, excessive hair growth on face, and insulin resistance are some of the classic symptoms that I've never connected until now. I'm a classic case. Also, women with PCOS are more likely to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and breast/endometrial cancer in their lifetime. So, it does have lifelong implications I need to be aware of and watch for.

Given our tubal issues and the need to do IVF, the PCOS shouldn't impact our attempts at conceiving. Although, I will be closely monitored to ensure I do not develop complications that can be related to PCOS (difficulty managing my thyroid disease, gestational diabetes, hypertension, etc) during pregnancy. I've been on Metformin for a little over a year, as this is a typical treatment for women with PCOS who are trying to conceive. Metformin can reduce insulin and androgen levels, lower lipid and triglyceride levels and promote normal ovarian function.

Rochester uses a Lupron protocol which they have a great deal of success with. Their SART reported success rates are higher than Buffalo. (We used the Antagonist protocol in Buffalo, and I welcome the chance to try something different.) We would not do ICSI as with our last IVF, of the 5 embryos ICSI'd, only 3 developed. Of our 5 that were inseminated, all 5 developed. Dr. Vitek feels that we do not need ICSI. (Oh, and our sperm quality is normal! Who knew that 5% normal morphology IS normal?!) Dr. Vitek reports that on average, it takes a couple 2.4 IVF tried to conceive. She said she feels very confident we will see success with our next cycle. While that is certainly nice to hear, I won't bet the house on it as I've heard it before.

Sadly, Rochester does not have financing or a payment plan. The money (approximately $7000) is due prior to the start of the cycle. For this reason, we are unable to do a cycle in Rochester right now. We are trying to figure things out. I don't know how we will be able to swing this, but if there is a way, my husband and I will surely find it. I am also trying to figure out ways I can bring in some extra money. I am going to open up my Etsy shop again. I am also going to start listing some things on ebay that I've been wanting to sell. I hope we are able to figure this out before the meds I have expire, as using the meds I have would save us $3000-$5000. Any suggestions for making some extra money in a hurry?!

In the meantime, I will continue to improve my diet. I am reading about PCOS friendly diets. I will continue to try to lose weight. And I will continue to hope and pray that we win the lottery or come across some extra money!

In other more boring news, I got my new enhanced license in the mail today. I really like my new picture. I was having a good hair day. :) And, I am now officially an organ donor. I also bought a few new pieces of clothing for school today. I don't have much that fits from last year since losing weight. I hated spending the money, but it was a necessity. I tried to buy timeless pieces that will carry me through different seasons as well. And everything was 40% off. (I still need to clean out my closet - Sherri, are you reading this?! I NEED your help!!) Also, I had my teeth cleaned today and remain cavity free! (I was worried as I've been having some extra sensitivity along the bottom right side. All is good though.)

As always, thanks for your continued support. We are lucky to have so many people who care.

Counting down...

I got a package in the mail the other day that Strong Fertility in Rochester must have put in the mail to me before I dropped my files off there Wednesday morning. It took exactly 52 minutes from my driveway to their door. The forms included in the package are ones I have already filled out and turned in. All I need to do is show up Tuesday and hear what they have to say and hopefully leave with my questions answered and a treatment plan in place! (I just finished going through my records with a fine tooth comb and have several questions prepared.)

The photo above is of the flyer about the doctor I will be seeing that the office sent me. While I will be consulting with Dr. Vitek, I have heard from several others who have been treated at Rochester that the doctors all work together to review patient cases and develop treatment plans. Surely multiple minds working together will be better than one!

I'm so anxious for Tuesday, and relieved that my husband isn't giving me a hard time about going with me! (Those who know him know how much he HATES doctor offices. It is usually like pulling teeth to get him to go for that reason, not to mention that he is missing work to go and he HATES/NEVER misses work.)

OMFG...

So, I was able to obtain a copy of my records from the Buffalo office today. I don't even know where to start...

1. When I explained that I wanted ALL of my records copied, I was asked (in wht was definitely a very rude, "fuck-you" voice) if that included ALL my negative pregnancy tests!? My reply went something like this: "I don't need copies of negative pregnancy tests to remind me that I'm still childless after 3 years at this clinic."

2. I paid $.75/page for a grand total of $73.50 (98 pages). It seems to me that after 38 months (which includes countless IUI's, 2 surgeries, several diagnostic tests (HSG, etc.), blood work, 2 ectopic pregnancies, 1 chemical pregnancy, an IVF, etc.) there would be more to the file. They assured me it is all there. (Upon reviewing the file, there is definitely stuff missing. I think Rochester will get the idea with what is there, so I don't plan to pursue it unless necessary. If Rochester needs something, I will ask them to contact the Buffalo office.)

3. I went to a friend's house on the way home and took the file in to with me to look at it with her. It took me about 5 seconds to realize NOTHING was in any sort of order. It was literally as if they threw all the papers up in the air, let them land, and then shuffled them back into a pile. I am so ANGRY about this. I called Rochester and explained the situation. I told them I wanted to make things as easy as possible for them and that I would put everything in order if that was OK. Of course, the receptionist there told me that would be appreciated. She was very apologetic that my file was such a mess. My friend and I spent over an hour going through paper by paper and putting them into order. WHAT. A. MESS.

4. I do have several questions after glancing through the file that I will mark and ask Rochester Tuesday. (I made myself a copy of my file to refer to during the consult and to keep for future reference.)

One question is regarding our sperm quality. We have always been told our samples were good. However, in the file, the "normal" sperm never reached more than 6% in any given sample. 94-96% of our sperm in each sample was ABNORMAL? Is this normal?! I don't know what I don't know about sperm quality/morphology/etc., but I do plan to ask about it. It seems weird to me.

Another question is about my June 2011 HSG test I had done AFTER my surgery to unblock my remaining right tube. The report states that the dye did not spill out the tube. Doesn't that mean the tube was still blocked? This also makes me think the "chemical" pregnancy in September 2011 could have indeed been a third ectopic. So many questions...I hope Rochester will be able to answer them all and suggest a treatment plan to move forward.

5. I will drive my file to Rochester tomorrow morning with the paperwork I filled out for them so they have time to review my file before my consult Tuesday. I will continue to review my copy of the file at home and make a list of questions.

Sorry for the scattered post. My head is spinning after today...it took all my energy to even compose my thoughts enough to post this.

Oh, and I also demanded that Buffalo do my blood work today for the IUI. I'm not due until Thursday, but was going to go tomorrow since I will be away for work through Friday. After the aggravation to get my records, I didn't want to have to go back tomorrow morning. Once I get the "official" negative result tomorrow (they drew the blood this afternoon so it won't go out until tomorrow), I hope to be done with Buffalo. Up until this point in time, I always gave them the benefit of the doubt. Now, I'm bitter and ANGRY with them. I hope I never have to return there for treatment. I don't know that I could...

Consult moved up!!

Strong Fertility in Rochester has an opening for a consult next Tuesday morning. So, I moved my appointment up from October 9th! I'm glad I don't have to wait so long...

Now I just have to get my records from Buffalo to take there. Rochester would like my records prior to my appointment Tuesday at 8am so they have time to review my case. I have a feeling this will be tricky. 3+ years worth of medications (oral and injectables), 2 HSG tests,  2 sperm analyses, 2 ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery when ectopic #2 ruptured, tubal cannulation surgery to unblock remaining tube, countless IUI's, a chemical pregnancy (could have been ectopic - not confirmed), and an IVF. I think that about sums up my existence for the past few years. That file is going to be THICK. And at .75 per page, I may go broke obtaining it. Not to mention I hope Buffalo doesn't give me a hard time about the time constraints. I'm filling out the records request tonight and hand delivering it to Buffalo first thing tomorrow morning.

Here's hoping Rochester will bring us our miracle baby we have been longing for...

12dpIUI

999 Reasons to LAUGH at Infertility

I would be ordering the "I-Just-Peed-on-a-Negative-Pregnancy-Test Frappuccino" today....

Migraines...

I'm 10dpIUI today, and I have had a migraine for 45 hours. I hope I don't sound whiny when I say THIS SUCKS. Could it be a sign of impending pregnancy? I sure hope so. That is the ONLY reason that would make this tolerable.

I also woke up with a huge canker sore on the side of my tongue. And I've been cramping since about 6dpIUI. I hate the mind games our bodies play with us...

Did you see that?!

Flying Pig via Etsy

Pigs flew over my house today....

You might be thinking at this point that I have gone mad. While that is certainly a plausible scenario, I assure you that is not the case. But it is possible that my husband has gone mad...

This morning, he gave me my PIO shot!!! MY husband, the man who has a serious fear of needles stuck a huge needle in my ass! AND he did a great job. I didn't even feel it. (He did freak out a tad when he saw how long the needle was, but he quickly recovered and was able to carry out the mission!)

This is a huge relief for me. I don't have to scramble to find someone to the shot now when my friend Lori goes away next week.

Today, I feel so lucky to have my husband in my corner. This is an emotionally trying and exhausting journey, and at times I've felt very alone. But today, I feel like I can conquer the world!

Kissing Ovaries...

We had our IUI this morning. It went well. While my husband's sample wasn't as "abundant" as it has been in the past due to spillage during collection, the motility was still right in the range it always is. 67% motility.

I started the Estrace (estrogen) this morning and will take it twice a day. I start the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections in the morning. Once again, my dear friend Lori is administering that injection because it seems my husband may never get over his fear of needles.

The ultrasound right before the procedure revealed that my ovaries are so full that they are "kissing". When I heard the nurse say "kissing ovaries", naturally I laughed out loud. After composing myself, I pictured my ovaries strolling hand in hand through the park, sharing a special, intimate kiss. Sweet and innocent, no?! Well, unfortunately having kissing ovaries isn't as sweet as it sounds. It is painful. I want my ovaries to be back where they belong, baking and releasing eggs in their own, separate areas of my abdomen.

I go back for blood work to check my progesterone level next Tuesday, and hCg (pregnancy) bloodwork Wednesday, August 22nd. Fingers crossed!

Lupron trigger and IUI....

I had my ultrasound and blood work this morning. All of my 30+ follicles are continuing to grow. In an effort to save this cycle from being canceled and preventing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), we will trigger with Lupron tonight and go for an IUI Tuesday morning. We are triggering and moving forward with IUI despite the high chance of multiples. (It is likely I will ovulate 6-8 mature eggs from my right side Tuesday.)

From what I understand, lupron works by suppressing the pituitary gland's ability to produce LH, which causes ovulation. So why would I use this for ovulation if it suppresses ovulation? It has to do with lowering the risk of developing OHSS. In a natural ovulation cycle using no drugs, the follicle develops over about 2 weeks, and then a strong surge in LH causes ovulation. While Lupron causes the pituitary to cease LH secretion, in the first 1-2 days of Lupron use, there is a strong release of LH. It is this strong release of LH that makes Lupron great as an hCG substitute for the trigger shot. The quick surge results in a very short blast of LH, which could take place over 1-2 hours. This is very similar to the body’s LH surge that takes place in a natural cycle. After that, the LH has left the system, ovulation occurs 36 hours later, and ovarian stimulation stops. hCG, on the other hand, stays in the body for days, even up to 2 weeks. All of this time, hCG stimulates and stimulates the ovaries, which is too much for ovaries that have released many eggs.

So, why give an hCG instead of a LH injection? For IUI and IVF, hCG is often used as opposed to LH because hCG is easier to make and cheaper than LH, and hCG works just as well. The molecules of hcg and LH are very similar and act in similar ways.

One down side to lupron is that, in very small percentage of cases, it may not cause ovulation. This is a rare occurrence and is more likely to happen in women who are hypothalamic, i.e. they do not get regular ovulation due to exercise, dieting or some other factor. In these cases, there is no LH in the pituitary for Lupron to trigger.

Another detail of Lupron use as a trigger is that for luteal support, progesterone and estrogen are supplemented. The ovaries just shut down after Lupron use, and therefore estrogen and progesterone are produced in very low quantities. Typically progesterone is prescribed post IVF, and when using Lupron, estrogen is also prescribed. Daily, I will inject PIO (progesterone in oil) in my butt. The estrogen is simply a pill taken orally twice per day. I used PIO after my IVF, but I've never used Estrace (estrogen).

I feel good about this cycle again as I've said all along that you can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Changing things up this cycle leaves me with renewed hope.

As for the risk of multiples, we will cross that bridge if and when we get there. Right now we have our hopes set on this cycle working and resulting in a viable pregnancy, and ultimately, a take home baby.

Coasting...

At my ultrasound this morning, 30 follicles measured between 12 and 15. The right side had 16, and the left 14. (For comparison - in my IVF cycle in January, we only had 12 total eggs retrieved.) 30 follicles is too many for an IUI cycle. Even taking into consideration that I don't have a left tube, 16 follicles on the right is still too many to risk IUI. The doctor is "coasting" me tonight, which means I am to take NO medication. I go back in the morning for bloodwork and ultrasound. (I've read online that coasting for more than 1-2 days can negatively impact egg quality. I've also read that coasting does not decrease chances of implantation occurring.) I will talk more with the doctor tomorrow morning about what he thinks we should do. Cancel? Convert to IVF? Coast another day and see if we can pull off an IUI?

I am feeling pain from having so many follicles. It pretty much hurts when I breathe, laugh, cough and move. As always, I will endure all of this if it means having a chance at pregnancy. As I have so many times before, I am hoping and praying this works out. I've worked so hard to get to this point and waited so long....

Headaches and prenatals....

Tonight was the third night of 4 vials of Bravelle, and I've had headaches the past two evenings. I remember the first month I was on injectables, I had headaches in the evening. It's a small price to pay...

Some of you may remember back in December/January I started pooping out my prenatal. I had to switch prenatals (I have a prescription one since my insurance covers it), but continued to poop out the old ones. Well, 7 months and a colonoscopy later, I'm STILL pooping the old ones out. The only conclusion I can come to is that they are lodged in my small intestine. The gastroenterologist doesn't seem concerned, so I guess I shouldn't be either.

Regardless, I began to read about prenatal vitamins today. I wondered how much of the different vitamins/minerals they should contain. From what I've read, a prenatal should have a minimum of 400mcgf of folic acid. Mine has 100mcg. Why would a company manufacture a prenatal vitamin that doesn't meet the recommended standard? AND, the brand I am on has the March of Dimes stamp of approval on the box!

From the March of Dimes website:

"Since nearly half of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned, it's important that all women of childbearing age (even if they're not trying to get pregnant) get at least 400 micrograms of folic acid every day. Take a multivitamin with folic acid before pregnancy. During pregnancy, switch to a prenatal vitamin, which should have 600 micrograms of folic acid."

Not to mention, my prenatal was sub-standard in most areas (iron, zinc, calcium, etc.). So, I've spent the better part of today researching prenatal vitamins and DHA. I was considering trying a powdered prenatal but it cost more than I wanted to spend. So I found a prenatal that meets the recommended requirements of a prenatal. I also ordered some Fish Oil with DHA and EPA. I feel better having educated myself more about prenatal vitamins. Who knew there was so much to know? Shame on me I guess for assuming that something a doctor prescribed would have what I need in it.

Anyhow, tomorrow morning I go for bloodwork. I should find out tomorrow afternoon when my first ultrasound will be. I just am hoping and praying that my right ovary is growing some beautiful follicles! One of my students gave me a gift certificate for the spa....and I cannot wait to get my massage tomorrow morning! It has been forever since I've had one.

All aboard the CRAZY train!!

It is no secret that I haven't blogged much since my failed IVF in January. While I would share about my weight loss journey, I did not do so with the same passion I did when I was TTC (trying to conceive). That makes me sad, especially seeing as though I have been so extremely passionate about losing weight. I realized that my blog is just as much for me as it is for my readers. It is a place for me to document my journey, complete with highs and lows, and a place for me to reflect and regroup when my paths and priorities change. Please don't misunderstand me, achieving a viable pregnancy and bringing home a healthy baby has always been my/our main priority. However, I felt that losing weight at this point in time was necessary for me to ultimately achieve that goal.

Being down 50 pounds is an achievement I am extremely proud of. While I still have weight to lose, I can no longer deny my inner desire/passion to resume TTC. Being down 50 pounds and having had four perfect 28-day cycles in a row (this one was 30 days, which is still considered normal), we figured we were in a much better position to resume TTC. My husband and I have talked about it at length, and have decided on a path to move forward.

My cycle began Wednesday morning. Tomorrow, on day 3, I will go for bloodwork and an ultrasound at 8am. In the evening, if given the go ahead, I will begin injectable meds for an IUI cycle. My insurance will cover three rounds of injectable medications. Also, I have enough medication at home for additional rounds or an IVF cycle if we end up going that route again. Our current plan includes exhausting the three injectable/IUI rounds the insurance will cover.

The second part of our plan includes a consult appointment with Strong Fertility in Rochester, NY. It is about an hour away from us. I made an appointment for October (first available), and am also on the wait list in case someone cancels or something opens up. We want them to review our case and see what they feel is the best path moving forward. If it includes IVF, we will have to wait a little while to save up for it. But, we would consider doing the cycle there if they feel something could be done differently. We just don't understand why we were told our embryos were beautiful and perfect, yet 4 of them were thrown away in the end and not able to be frozen. I know the quality has to be excellent to be frozen, but we just feel like we were fed a line of crap. Clearly everything didn't go perfectly. We did not achieve pregnancy.

Obviously, I am hoping and praying that one of these next couple of IUI cycles in Buffalo results in pregnancy. A viable pregnancy. Unlike the chemical pregnancy last September that resulted from an injectable IUI cycle.

So that is our plan. Between our upcoming injectable/IUI cycles and our consult in Rochester, we are hoping to be sharing some good news soon! It feels weird to be starting a cycle tomorrow, yet at the same time it feels like I'm finally coming home after being gone for many months. It is hard to put my feelings into words right now...I feel like the world has tried to break me, but I've persevered and will come out on top!

Colette via Etsy.com

Where do I start?

I'm so sorry I've been absent from the blog for over a month. Life just has this way of getting in the way of the things we want to do sometimes! I'm sad that I wasn't more diligent in blogging as now you won't get all the details of some really cool happenings over the past month in my life. The Color Run, my weight loss, and a trip to Florida!


On June 12th, I hit 50 pounds! If you recall, I had set a goal to lose 50 pounds prior to running The Color Run on June 16th! And I did it! I lost 2.8 that week to lose 50 exactly! Needless to say, I was emotional and very proud of my accomplishments.

On Friday June 15th, I drove to Cleveland, OH with my dear friend Kym to run the race. Both of us are suffering from feet issues, but we did it anyway. We ran the 5K in 30 minutes! It was such an amazing experience. About half way through, I told Kym to talk to me. I was feeling defeated and like I couldn't go on. She gave me the best pep talk that kept me going to the end. As did my friend Sherri the morning of the race via a text message. My post on FB that morning reflected Sherri's message -


"Race day is finally here after months of patiently/anxiously waiting. Today is the day I prove to myself I can do anything I set my mind to. Today is the day I think about all I've accomplished in 6 months time and I leave the old Jen behind as I cross the finish line. I will leave behind all the doubt I've ever had in myself, all my insecurities, pain and disappointment I've faced. Today, I celebrate the new (and slightly improved) Jen."

Kym and I at the start of the race. Still clean.

Kym and I at the end of the race. Two dirty girls!

 

So, what does a girl who meets her goals do? She finishes up the school year and that same evening hops on a plane to Florida! I spent 9 days in Florida with amazing friends. I could go on and on about the amazing time I had, but I won't bore you with the details. I'm just so thankful and lucky to have such amazing friends who invite me on their family vacations. <3 ya Bitch!

I finished reading the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, and have moved on to Outlander. I miss Christian immensely, but am slowly falling in love with Jamie in Outlander. Outlander should last me the rest of the summer. There are 7 books, each 700+ pages. And, an 8th book is due out next year.

Now, to answer the question everyone is asking in their heads - how did I do in Florida in terms of weight control? Sadly, not well. I drank too much (and I'm not talking water!), ate all the wrong foods, and didn't exercise. I came home, and hopped on the scale first thing the next morning. The dreaded scale showed a 10 pound gain. 10 FRIGGING POUNDS. I almost died. (Although, as of this morning, I was down 4 of the 10 pounds.) You would think that would be the motivation I needed to get my ass back in gear. Sadly, it wasn't really. I've been very lax this week. I haven't exercised, haven't drank enough water, and haven't been eating in routine like I was. Tomorrow is the Taste of Buffalo and we always go to celebrate our anniversary (Monday is our 8 year wedding anniversary). Saturday night I have a party. And Sunday I am going to an Art Festival and then to see a band play near the lake. It is not going to be a "good" weekend in terms of food. While I hate when people use events as excuses to "fall off the wagon", I am doing just that. While I will be more careful of my choices this weekend, I am not going to recommit knowing I will feel guilty and not enjoy myself. Therefore, I'm publicly declaring my intent to recommit to my plan Monday morning. Exercise, healthy food choices, ample water and determination.

Because of my foot, I am unable to participate in the summer running program per my podiatrist. So look for me on the elliptical, on my bike or in the pool! I will also resume my weight training program Monday. I plan on upping my cardio during the summer. I plan on doing 4-5 days of cardio with 3 days of weight training. My new gym finally opened June 15th, and after anxiously awaiting the opening for over a month, I haven't been there yet! But, Monday is my new beginning!

One last picture - fresh garden peas we just picked today. Yes, that is my comforter in the background. Our bedroom is the only air conditioned room in the house, and it is 90+ degrees today. Where better to shuck peas?!

The taste of success...

At tonight's weigh-in, I was down 4.6 pounds. That puts me at a total of 47.2 pounds lost! I'm so close to my goal of 50 pounds lost by the end of June, I can taste it. And success sure does taste good!

I need to do something I've been avoiding since starting this journey - take a progress picture. I also need to take my measurements again. I've always been self-conscious and hated being in pictures. I am usually the one behind the camera simply so that I can avoid being in front of it. But, I need to suck it up and take the damn picture.

Today, I hit the gym and did 40 intense minutes on the elliptical. While my food choices weren't the best today (too few fruits and veggies, not enough dairy), I did stay within my allotted points.

Tomorrow is my new leg workout. I'm already dreading it. I know how bad my legs will hurt when I am done. And tomorrow night I have yoga, which will help to stretch out those tired leg muscles!

8:18 and I'm ready for bed. Am I lame for going to bed while it is still light out?! Yes, surely I am.

A little of this and that....

My blog has had over 10,000 views since its inception August 12, 2011! I've had blog views from far-away places such as Russia, India, Columbia and even Nigeria! I can only hope that my story has helped each viewer in some way.

At last week's weigh-in, I was down 2.8 pounds! Still have 2.2 more to lose to negate that 5 pound gain, but I'll get there. Hopefully this week. My goal is still to lose 50 pounds total by the end of June. While last week's gain threw me off, I won't let it deter me from reaching my goal. Regardless of whether I meet my goal or not, I will be that much closer to it by trying! That gives me one month to lose 7.4 pounds. That means I need to lose 1.85 pounds per week. It's a tall order - but I really feel I can do it. I won't let my trip to Cleveland for The Color Run on June 16th and my trip to Florida at the end of June throw me off course.

Sarah (my wonderful friend, hair dresser and "personal trainer") changed up my workout last night. I've followed the first plan for 4 weeks, and now we mixed it all up. I know that each time we mix it up, it will get harder, but holy shit. I seriously think she is trying to kill me! I will do chest/biceps/shoulders on Mondays, legs on Wednesdays and back/triceps on Fridays. I'm also signed up for a yoga class on Wednesday evenings (starting this Wednesday), and the running class on Monday evenings (running starts July 9th - my 8th wedding anniversary!). I also will still do cardio Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I'm looking forward to an active summer but tired thinking about it.

My new gym still has not opened. They were aiming for a May 15th opening, and it is June 3rd with no opening in site. I'm a little frustrated/disappointed.

School is almost out! 3 more BUSY weeks! This Friday is our class trip to Darien Lake! I hope by then then weather clears up. All this rain is great for the garden, but not for my psyche.

I went shopping this week as I desperately needed some new clothes. I picked up two new pair of casual, but nice capris. (I'm down 4 sizes!!) I also purchased a new pair of workout capris, 3 new super cute workout shirts, 6 nice summer t-shirts, 2 pairs of convertible capris/shorts, a maxi dress, two new strapless bras, two knit dresses, and my mother bought me a new bathing suit! It is bright colors and has hibiscus flowers on it (my late Grampie's favorite flower!).

I made a terrific recipe the other day - Buffalo Chicken Chili. It was so tasty, and for once, I had everything in the house to make it (I always seem to be missing one or two ingredients for a recipe)! One serving is 1 and 3/4 cups. Let me tell you - that is a huge bowl! A huge, delicious bowl.

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ~George Bernard Shaw

I refuse to be a victim.

Sometimes, our journey (regardless of what goal we are working towards) doesn't go as smoothly as we anticipate.

Today, I finally was able to see the Podiatrist for the intermittent, yet pretty significant, heel pain I've had for a while now. I have officially been diagnosed with plantar fasciitis. Surprisingly, I also have a rather large heel spur caused by the plantar fasciitis. (I guess I should've investigated this heel pain sooner, like 2+ years ago when it got really bad.) And the cherry on the sundae - I have bunions. I always thought I had decent looking feet and toes, and now after today, not so much. It was like having someone point out all your flaws and sucking the wind right out of your sails.

So, the course of treatment for plantar fasciitis includes several steps. First, the doctor injected my heel with Cortisone today to decrease the swelling. Next, he prescribed a strong oral anti-inflammatory medication I will take once daily. I have to ice my heel several times a day, and do some stretches five times daily. I have also been instructed to limit my activity to low/non-impact exercises.

He also gave me inserts for my sneakers, and recommended I get fitted for a good pair of running shoes with lots of cushion. So, I stopped at a local running store after leaving the office for a professional fitting. I ended up purchasing a pair of Saucony Progrid Ride 4 sneakers. They are very comfy, even with the inserts (which I expected to feel uncomfortable). They also have LOTS of cushion, and mesh along the side of my big toe so as not to push on my bunions. Sadly, the only color they had of these sneakers was white with blue accents. Blue is my least favorite color. The sales clerk felt so bad about the fact that they didn't have any other colors that she gave me her employee discount. 20% off, and a free pair of nice running socks. Score!!! Thanks, Heather! (I've been shopping around online and may just order a second pair of the White/Citron or White/Black/Pink since I will be living in sneakers for a while. The podiatrist also said NO FLIP FLOPS. He did say he would be OK with me wearing Birkenstocks if I must have sandals. I'm kind of liking these Black Patent Leather Birkenstocks.

After adhering to everything above, I should feel some relief. The average healing time for plantar fasciitis is 7+ months. DAMN! I hope it doesn't take that long. Sometimes, heel spurs can cause sharp, shooting pain also. So, until we get the plantar fasciitis under control, we won't know if the heel spur is contributing to my pain. Only time will tell...

After reading a fellow blogger's post today over on a Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures titled Forever, I realize I CANNOT, and simply WILL NOT, fall victim to my current circumstances. The only thing I can control is how I react to situations/circumstances. There is no reason I cannot continue to work towards my goal, via nutrition and exercise. Perhaps, I just have to alter how I get there. Changing things up sometimes is the best thing you can do. Believe me, I've learned THAT lesson time and time. (If you've never read, Who Moved My Cheese by Spencer Johnson, I highly recommend doing so. This book was has helped me immensely in accepting recent changes in my life.)

Sheryl states on the above mentioned blog, "Know -- and accept!-- that there will be dead-ends and detours and dimly lit paths but the journey doesn’t end. You find another way. You keep going. Because even though there may be a few twists and turns and rough patches, those are few compared to all the great, exciting, awesome, life changing and wonderful parts of the journey. Never lose sight of how great your healthy new life is. Just pick yourself up and keep going. Vow to never give up. Because this is forever. I'm in it for the rest of my life and I hope you are too."

Thank you, Sheryl, for the inspirational post today. I cannot believe how much inspiration I gather from fellow bloggers. Please, if you are looking for inspiration, check out some of the blogs I follow. They are full of tips, recipes and inspiration. It amazes me how I can always find exactly what I need at exactly the moment I need it on a fellow blogger's blog.

I am in CONTROL, and I CHOOSE how I react to my circumstances. I REFUSE to be a victim.

 

Licking my wounds and moving forward...

Sometimes, we need to lick our wounds and move forward.

This past week has been crazy. First, I hurt my back last Wednesday. Urgent Care diagnosed it as a thoracic myofascial strain. My chiropractor said it was an impact injury from running. I will take it a bit easier in the weeks to come, but I do intend to continue running. I have The Color Run on June 16th, and then I also registered for that weekly running "class" this summer to be sure I continue training.

As I was nursing my back, my husband's step-mother passed away. My husband's brother and his wife came in and stayed with us for a few nights. It was nice to have company (albeit under shitty circumstances), and I think it helped take my mind off my back a bit.

Because of my back, and then the wake and funeral, I haven't exercised in about a week. Tomorrow, I plan on heading back to the gym for an easy elliptical workout since my back is feeling better (thanks Susan for the Biofreeze!)

Today is my last day of bereavement leave and I will be heading over to spend some time with my father-in-law. I have some banana chocolate chip oatmeal muffins in the oven to take with me. I made some veggie soup last night to take, and my husband assured me that his father would not eat that. Oh well, it is the thought that counts, right?!

The end of the school year is nearing, and I cannot wait to finish! With the weather being so nice the past few days, and my pool being open - I'm anxious for summer vacation!

And now, the news I've been dreading and debating if I wanted to share...

Last night was my weigh-in. I've lost every week since starting Weight Watchers. And while I really hoped to get all the way to goal without ever having a gain, I knew deep down it wasn't realistic. I knew I had gained this week, and I wasn't sure I was going to weigh in ('cause if you don't weigh-in, you didn't really gain, right?!). Then, Trixie's Success Story posted yesterday. Trixie is who I weigh in with each week at my WW meeting. We've become friends, and e-mail back and forth. Her Success Story went live yesterday, and I sobbed while reading it. It was EXACTLY what I needed to "hear". Trixie says, "Honestly, the difference between every other time and joining this time was simple: I just didn’t quit. When I got on that scale and it went up on occasion—which it’s going to, that’s life—I didn’t let it stop me. I got back on that scale every week. That was the key for me." Those words spoke to me. At that moment, I knew I had to face the music and weigh in.

So, I weighed in last night. I asked the receptionist (Trixie was not there this week) not to tell me. I wanted to be able to look at it when I was ready. I gained. 5 pounds. In one week. Ouch. That reinforces to me how this truly is a lifestyle that I will need to commit to for life. I can't stop tracking my food, exercising and following the WW plan. (I also told Trixie she is not allowed to miss work again!)

Today, I'm licking my wounds and moving forward. I recommitted yesterday and stayed on plan all day. It is so much harder to fall off the wagon and get back on than just getting on the first time. But, I will. I have too many people rooting for me, including myself. And, I know where I've come from and I don't want to go back there. I want to continue down the path to where I'm going...