Another childless Christmas...

I'm relaxing on my couch, chai tea piping hot, Christmas tree lit in the corner, A Christmas Story playing on the TV, and husband in the kitchen preparing the ham the two of us will enjoy later. Alone. Again.

I am not participating in holiday activities with my family. I say that as if there were any activities to participate in. My grandfather, who passed away 5+ years ago, was the glue that held our family together. Initially, after he passed, it was too painful to celebrate the holidays in our usual ways. Since then, my family has just grown apart. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays anymore. My family is small. It consists of my mother, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle, and my grandma. And of course my husband and I. That is it. And somehow, with just 7 of us, we manage to ruin every attempt at a celebration. I guess it is just something I should accept. Hopefully, in the future, things will be different. Right now, I don't have the strength to try to change things.

I am much more emotional today than I anticipated. My stomach is in knots, and my chest hurts. Surely it is a combination of the emotional impact of my recent surgery and the realization that we are in the midst of another childless holiday season. I feel like I would be better off being surrounded by people, but at the same time I have no desire to be that miserable person pretending to be jolly.

I have several friends who have been blessed with a child this year, and I am truly happy for them this holiday season.

I also have several friends who have not yet been blessed. For these friends, my heart still breaks. I can only hope that next year will be different.

Hope....it's like teetering on a see-saw. Too much hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Too little hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I never really liked see-saws anyway...

Anyhow, the purpose of this post wasn't simply to whine and cry. The purpose was to share a resource I think could be very helpful to many women/couples going through infertility during the holiday season. Resolve has some wonderful resources that may help.  Check them out here: COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

I'm sincere when I say I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful,  memorable holiday season. I wish each of you strength and that you come out the other side of infertility stronger and content with whatever comes of your struggle.

Merry Christmas! XOXO