Hurt feelings lead to personal growth...

Obviously this is a very difficult time for me. I'm losing another pregnancy. One tube, two surgeries and three pregnancies, and I still do not have a baby to show for the 2 years and 2 months I have spent at the Buffalo IVF Clinic. Not to mention the several years prior to that spent trying, to no avail.

The reality is - infertility sucks. I've learned it makes people say things and do things that they probably wouldn't normally say or do.

Monday night, I announced to a couple of friends from support group that I had gotten a very faint positive test that morning. Now, let me be sure to say that I was extremely nervous about even telling them this because I did not want to hurt anyone. I was very surprised and taken aback, however, when my news was received with comments such as, "must be nice" and "wanna trade places".

Obviously, we are all there for the same reason. We want to get pregnant. And obviously some of us will, and some of us may never. While our paths are different, we are all working feverishly towards the same goal - motherhood.

These comments hurt my feelings. A lot. I've been hearing them repeat in my head all week. On Monday night I had no idea I would be dealing with another pregnancy loss, which makes having heard these comments even more difficult. At the time, I felt as if it was being implied that I don't deserve a pregnancy. That I hadn't been through enough to deserve one. I know sometimes people dealing with infertility have this "judge and jury" thing going on. I think that is a natural reaction to infertility. But, I'm quickly seeing how the "judge and jury" thing (deciding who "deserves" to be pregnant over others based on the level of treatments they've been through, number of losses they've suffered, how long they've been trying, how long they've been seeking treatment from the Clinic, etc.) can be hurtful too. And I think it is safe to say that anyone who has struggled with infertility has done the "judge and jury" thing at some point in time, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

I have spent years seeing people around me get pregnant. I've lived through my two closest friends having 3 pregnancies between the two of them. My best friend is going to start trying again in a matter of the next couple of months. I may have to deal with her third pregnancy before I get to have my first. I know how hard this is. But I certainly would never want to intentionally say something to them that is hurtful. Am I jealous? YES. Extremely. Have I expressed my honest feelings of jealousy with those close to me during their pregnancies? YES. Am I sad? YES. But I hope I have never intentionally or unintentionally made a comment that would make someone feel like they don't deserve to be pregnant or like I wish they weren't.

I'm sure these comments were not intentional. However, now that I'm dealing with another loss, they sting even more. And, as terrible as this sounds, I can't help but wonder if they are slightly relieved or happy knowing that I'm dealing with a loss. Maybe I should ask if they would like to trade places now.

I'm thankful for the friends I've made through infertility. I need these friends. No one understands better than someone who has walked a mile in my shoes.

Getting a positive test does not make the past 2 years and 2 months at the Clinic disappear. Not to mention the several years getting negatives month after month prior to the Clinic. Getting a positive test doesn't make everything "OK" or "better". Especially today, since my pregnancy is nonviable. And as of right now, it is unknown if it is simply a loss or another ectopic. While never getting a positive test is surely difficult and not something I can relate to, I do know how bad it hurts to have 3 losses. And I don't wish that on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

I deeply regret that I have unintentionally hurt some feelings by being honest about my jealousy when friends became pregnant.

I vow to become a better person through all of this. I vow to come out the other side stronger, more compassionate and less judgmental.

I wish the absolute BEST for each infertility friend I've made. I want each of us to beat this, one way or another.