When I started this blog last summer, I promised myself it would be an honest account of my life dealing with infertility. In all reality, while I love having people read my blog, I started it mostly for selfish reasons. Part of me hoped it would help others dealing with infertility at some point, but more of me needed a place to express my feelings. It was to be a way to document my journey and get my feelings out of my own head. Being honest isn't always easy, but I promised, so...
I've received such mixed reactions to my failed IVF. Some people have been very supportive (texting, emailing daily to check on me), while others seem to be avoiding me like the plague. I completely understand that people don't know what to say, believe me, I've been one of those people on the sidelines when friends had failed cycles. Not knowing what to say sucks. Some people have told me they are giving me space. Space for what? I don't understand that. I don't need space...I need friends to step up and help me to cope. Whether that be through a night out, a shoulder to cry on, or simply an ear to listen.
What I don't need? People telling me that perhaps it is time to consider throwing in the towel. Someone at work the other day told me I should give up. That same person then told me if I was persistent, it would happen. Persistent? 3 years of treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist isn't persistent? 3 years trying before that wasn't persistent?
I don't know how to deal with a failed IVF and potentially being at the end of the road in terms of trying to conceive. My husband and I agree that adoption isn't for us, for a number of reasons. Perhaps I'll share those very personal reasons in a future post.
Now the brutally honest part...I've been trying to cope using very unhealthy means. I've been trying to numb myself so I don't have to deal with any of it. It's been working, but I can't keep it up for a number of reasons. I just am so afraid of feeling the pain and disappointment. Again.
I have a consult appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I'm hoping that this appointment will give me closure and/or will give me a new direction. Either way, I will have to start dealing with my feelings surrounding my infertility, my failed IVF and facing my possible reality of living childfree.
Coming to the end of the road is definitely a personal decision. I always felt that I would be a mom one way or another, and that if the years of treatment and multiple rounds of IVF didn't work that I would give up and pursue fostering/adoption. (adopting an infant wasn't an option for us, we couldn't afford the 30 grand price tag. IVF was covered by insurance). It was on our last cycle that we got pregnant, after almost 6 years of trying. If it hadn't worked, that would have been it. Every couple should go into this knowing how much they can take, how far they will go, and where they draw the line. And no one can know that but YOU. Follow your heart, but also know that you are allowed to reconsider and change your mind or take a new direction at any time. My husband was DONE with that last round of IVF, but years later we both agreed to back into the trenches to produce a sibling. It is between you and your spouse, and no one else. And you don't have to explain your reasons to anyone, although your point of view can always help someone else :) In any case, you have come to a decision and you deserve support in your decision.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that really scared me after I lost Chloe was that I started abusing sleeping pills. One night, I took so many that I started praying that I would wake up. It scared me so, so badly. I'm so thankful you have a great counselor to speak with. I'm glad you have this blog so you can get your true feelings out. People try to be helpful, but as you know, we sometimes say the wrong thing. It makes me wonder how many things I have said to people in my life that have hurt them, without my knowing. I think of you constantly. Just to let you know, I took myself off FB, but I am keeping up with you here. Have a great day Jen, and know that I am here for you!
ReplyDeleteJust because it failed does not mean you are at the end of your journey. There must be a reason it did not take. Was it an endo issue? Was it the egg was not a good quality? I am horrible at remebering peoples circumstances. But I am sure you will have options. Maybe resting getting healthy and trying again? Maybe it is egg donation? I don;t know, but I am telling you NOT to give up! 4 years ago I was told IVF was our only way and the amount was far to expensive. But we saved and we did it. I am not saying you are not saving etc, but, when there is a will there is a way! There are grants and other programs if that is necessary. I hope you get some ideas on where the problem lies so maybe it can be fixed and you can become a mother. Please don't give up hope! You know all of us at BC and on FB are hear when ever you need us. Your never alone! Were just a message away. I wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteI think people try so hard to avoid saying the wrong thing that sometimes they fail to say anything at all. And that usually hurts worse than the wrong thing. I can't claim to know how you're feeling. The only thing I can offer is this seriously sucks and I was really hoping for a different outcome for you. I have faith that you'll make the best decision for yourself and your situation. Know that I'm thinking about you and saying extra prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly how you feel because I feel the same. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better....there's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better. It's just a really tough time. I hope you and I both make it through this stronger women.
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