On hiatus....

I'm currently on break. From work. And from trying to conceive.

My husband and I recently had a heart to heart and agreed that it would be best for me to focus on myself for a little while and let trying to conceive take the back burner. I've spent the past 5+ years solely focusing on getting pregnant. I've let my interests fall by the wayside. I've let my health deteriorate. And I've gained weight. It's time to take the reigns back and focus on my mental and physical health.

I don't know where our path will lead in terms of trying to conceive. But for now, I strongly feel that getting my head and body in sync and in a better place will only help me to make that decision when the time comes.

So, for the time being, my blog may morph from being a TTC blog to more of a place for me to share what I'm doing to become healthier and regain control of MY life.

Thank you all for the support you have offered us during this difficulty journey.

Stick with us - I assure you our journey isn't over. Come hell or high water, we will find a way to our baby.

Take Me Away to Better Days....

Many people have asked how I am feeling...and all I can tell you is this...

I cannot even begin to describe how I'm feeling. I don't even fully understand what I'm feeling. If I had to describe my feelings, I would say it is a mix of sadness, disappointment, fear, apathy, confusion, anxiousness, bitterness, despair, among many others. I feel like I'm on autodrive just going through the motions day in and day out...and I have this constant deep desire to pack a bag and run away.

I'm at a fork in the road, and I have to choose a path. But I feel that it really isn't my choice. The doctor revealed during my consult that everything was picture perfect. He wouldn't change a thing. I stimmed beautifully, my embryos were great (although the final four made it to blast and were good quality, apparently they weren't good enough to be frozen). The only change he would entertain, and he said it would be a game day decision, would be to put back three embryos at transfer. At the conclusion of my consult, he asked if we would consider doing another round as he highly recommends it. If only money grew on trees.

Honesty

When I started this blog last summer, I promised myself it would be an honest account of my life dealing with infertility. In all reality, while I love having people read my blog, I started it mostly for selfish reasons. Part of me hoped it would help others dealing with infertility at some point, but more of me needed a place to express my feelings. It was to be a way to document my journey and get my feelings out of my own head. Being honest isn't always easy, but I promised, so...

I've received such mixed reactions to my failed IVF. Some people have been very supportive (texting, emailing daily to check on me), while others seem to be avoiding me like the plague. I completely understand that people don't know what to say, believe me, I've been one of those people on the sidelines when friends had failed cycles. Not knowing what to say sucks. Some people have told me they are giving me space. Space for what? I don't understand that. I don't need space...I need friends to step up and help me to cope. Whether that be through a night out, a shoulder to cry on, or simply an ear to listen.

What I don't need? People telling me that perhaps it is time to consider throwing in the towel. Someone at work the other day told me I should give up. That same person then told me if I was persistent, it would happen. Persistent? 3 years of treatment with a reproductive endocrinologist isn't persistent? 3 years trying before that wasn't persistent?

I don't know how to deal with a failed IVF and potentially being at the end of the road in terms of trying to conceive. My husband and I agree that adoption isn't for us, for a number of reasons. Perhaps I'll share those very personal reasons in a future post.

Now the brutally honest part...I've been trying to cope using very unhealthy means. I've been trying to numb myself so I don't have to deal with any of it. It's been working, but I can't keep it up for a number of reasons. I just am so afraid of feeling the pain and disappointment. Again.

I have a consult appointment on Tuesday afternoon. I'm hoping that this appointment will give me closure and/or will give me a new direction. Either way, I will have to start dealing with my feelings surrounding my infertility, my failed IVF and facing my possible reality of living childfree.

Thankful...

I'm very thankful for the people reaching out to me the past few days. Everyone keeps saying they don't know what to say, and I continually tell them that it is OK. How can someone know what to say when I don't even know what to say? While it is difficult to talk about, I would feel worse if people were avoiding talking to me about it. I need to express my feelings and get them out.

I'm most thankful for my counselor, Megan. She is out on maternity leave after having twins a little over a week ago. She has texted me several times to check on me and called me today to talk. She could've simply recommended someone else for me to see, but she went out of her way to try to help me even though she has so much on her plate. She said she certainly can refer me if I wish, but she is more than willing to talk to me over the phone. I'm so thankful for this as I don't want to go back to the beginning and relive the past three years with someone new. Megan understands all the pain and hurt infertility has dealt me. I feel like words aren't enough to express my gratitude to her.

Today is the first day I don't have Drama Club after school since November. It was a long, busy season. The kids did a great job, and we are so proud of them. But, it sure was nice to drive home during daylight hours today. It won't take long to get used to coming home at a decent hour again! But I will miss spending so much time with my wonderful friend Kym. I love Kym!!

I'm also thankful that my dear friend Melissa has returned to work. While I don't work in the same classroom as her anymore, I felt comfort knowing she was just a few doors down today. She gives the best hugs!!!! I love her too!

Where to go from here?

I apologize for being MIA the past few days. I'm a Drama Club advisor at my school and our play was Friday and Saturday. The kids did a great job! But man, am I exhausted. Rehearsals daily until 5:00 since November, it seems I haven't been home in daylight hours in months. I've slept on and off all day today and it felt great!

Now it is back to reality - and facing the BFN. I have a consult appointment with my Dr. on February 7th. I don't even know what to ask. I know that there is no way to know why this cycle failed, but I just wish there was something he could tell me. Maybe I just need closure, I don't know. I really can't process the feelings I'm having yet. I can't even identify all of the feelings I'm having, other than the obvious extreme sadness.

I wish I knew how to get through this without suffering so much. My heart aches so badly. How have you, my readers who have gotten a BFN, coped? What did you do to feel better? How did you manage day to day when you didn't know what the future would bring?

I don't know what our next step will be. Financially, we are not in a position to be able to try IVF again. I just don't know what will happen...but deep down I feel I can't give up on my dreams of motherhood. I'm not ready to succumb to a child free life yet.

BFN

Words cannot begin to describe the emotions I am feeling right now. It hurts so bad.

12dp3dt

I talked to the IVF nurse this morning, and she told me that if I am testing negative at home at this point, then most likely, my IVF cycle failed. I am going for my bloodwork tomorrow morning. I'm beyond devastated, and somewhat shocked. How could this have not worked?