Kiss my ass 2012...

Our plan for 2013? Well, we haven't talked much about it since my surgery. I keep waiting for the "right" time to bring it up, but there never seems to be a right time. I'm hoping that by this time tomorrow my husband and I will have talked about it and agreed on what our path moving forward will include. My post-op appointment is Wednesday at 3:30. I want to go to that appointment knowing what we wish/plan to do. If my husband and I agree to move forward with another IVF, I plan on asking about adding supplements to improve our chances (CoQ10, myo-inositol, Vitamin D, Fish Oil, etc...I've been reading a lot but don't want to add anything without getting Dr. Griffin's thoughts). Hey, if it can't hurt, why not try it?! Oh, and I want to find out if Dr. Griffin saw any evidence of the fibroid that Rochester saw. I can't believe I forgot to ask that prior to surgery. I'm sure if there were anything impinging on my uterus, he would have seen it during surgery, but I want to make sure.

Here's hoping 2013 is kinder to us...

Another childless Christmas...

I'm relaxing on my couch, chai tea piping hot, Christmas tree lit in the corner, A Christmas Story playing on the TV, and husband in the kitchen preparing the ham the two of us will enjoy later. Alone. Again.

I am not participating in holiday activities with my family. I say that as if there were any activities to participate in. My grandfather, who passed away 5+ years ago, was the glue that held our family together. Initially, after he passed, it was too painful to celebrate the holidays in our usual ways. Since then, my family has just grown apart. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays anymore. My family is small. It consists of my mother, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle, and my grandma. And of course my husband and I. That is it. And somehow, with just 7 of us, we manage to ruin every attempt at a celebration. I guess it is just something I should accept. Hopefully, in the future, things will be different. Right now, I don't have the strength to try to change things.

I am much more emotional today than I anticipated. My stomach is in knots, and my chest hurts. Surely it is a combination of the emotional impact of my recent surgery and the realization that we are in the midst of another childless holiday season. I feel like I would be better off being surrounded by people, but at the same time I have no desire to be that miserable person pretending to be jolly.

I have several friends who have been blessed with a child this year, and I am truly happy for them this holiday season.

I also have several friends who have not yet been blessed. For these friends, my heart still breaks. I can only hope that next year will be different.

Hope....it's like teetering on a see-saw. Too much hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Too little hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I never really liked see-saws anyway...

Anyhow, the purpose of this post wasn't simply to whine and cry. The purpose was to share a resource I think could be very helpful to many women/couples going through infertility during the holiday season. Resolve has some wonderful resources that may help.  Check them out here: COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

I'm sincere when I say I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful,  memorable holiday season. I wish each of you strength and that you come out the other side of infertility stronger and content with whatever comes of your struggle.

Merry Christmas! XOXO

The future looks bright...

The surgery went well. The day before surgery, well, that is another story. (I hope this is coherent.)

I felt good about removing the tube all along, until Dr. Griffin called me on Wednesday. He had consulted with Dr. Crickard after finally seeing all the films from the HSG and then called me to share Dr. Crickard's insights. Dr. Crickard felt we should leave the tube alone. I was angry that Dr. Crickard would even have an opinion regarding my case seeing as though I feel his practice made several "mistakes" regarding my treatment plan through the years. I also was angry that this put doubt in my head. I talked to my closest friends (I couldn't get in touch with my husband) and quickly realized I had to be aggressive and remain determined that we remove that tube. My gut kept telling me I was making the right decision. I shared my thoughts with Dr. G, who really seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also asked him if he could, with 100% certainty, confirm that this tube was not leaking fluid that could have caused our IVF to fail. He said he couldn't. At that moment, it was reaffirmed I was making the right decision, and I think he realized it too. He asked if it would be OK if he called one of his old colleagues, Dr. Queenan in Rochester, for another opinion. He felt the more opinions, the better. Of course I didn't mind. I was especially relieved when Dr. Queenan's opinion was to remove the tube. My case isn't a textbook case; I cannot be categorized. Given my history, Dr. Queenan felt removing the tube would give us the best chance moving forward. Dr. G agreed, and the plan to move forward was still in place.

In the end, I'm so glad I stood my ground and was adamant that we go in and visualize that tube. I told Dr. G that if it made him feel better or more confident, I would let him make a game day decision once he got in there. We agreed that if the tube looked perfect and the dye spilled through, he would leave it. (Neither of us were expecting this, just to be clear. We both anticipated a worse looking tube than what was seen in October.) If it looked the least bit suspect, he would remove it. Dr. G told my husband afterwards that when he got in there, he saw a twisted, dilated, distorted tube filled with fluid and diverticulae pockets. No doubt, it had to go. Dr. G also said he feels confident to say that the "chemical" pregnancy in September 2011 was actually a third ectopic in this tube.  How many people can say that lightning struck them not once, not twice, but THREE times?!

I was taken back into surgery early and it took a little longer than anticipated. I was also in recovery a little longer due to some difficulty breathing while coming out of the anesthesia. After several hours we were finally released and I arrived home late Thursday evening.

Thursday night and Friday were rough as I had bad pain in my right shoulder from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen with. The belly button incision site also remains painful. I'm most comfortable when lying flat (aside from the heartburn lying flat causes). I showered this morning and feel much better.  I slept through the night last night, and have been awake all morning so far. (I do feel a nap coming soon though...)

I'm anxious to meet with Dr. G the first week of January to see the pictures myself. I also am anxious to hopefully finalize a plan to move forward with IVF. Buffalo does a payment plan, so I'm hoping I can convince my husband to move forward sooner than later. I also plan to contact my insurance company. I know they don't cover anything related to IVF, but given that IVF is medically necessary for us now that I have no tubes, I want to know if that changes anything. Probably not, but it can't hurt to ask.

I feel optimistic. The future looks bright...I feel like we are closer to our baby than we have ever been!

And then there were none....

This Thursday, I will be having surgery to remove my remaining tube. While deep down I think I knew this day would come eventually, I was not entirely prepared for that day to be today. Dr. G scheduled the surgery while I was sitting in his office. I have what is known as hydrosalpinx. This basically means that my tube is grossly enlarged and filled with fluid. This fluid can be toxic to an embryo, which may explain our failed IVF. Regardless, if we are to move forward with treatment, the tube has to go.

I am relieved to think I will no longer have my tubes that have caused me nothing but heartache. However, the thought that I will NEVER, EVER conceive without IVF causes me much sadness and heartache. Even in the face of infertility, I think every woman holds on to some hope each month that pregnancy *could* happen. I feel as if I am being robbed of my fertility. This is a very difficult situation to swallow. Thursday will surely be a very difficult day. I hope I wake up from surgery with a renewed sense of hope, and not just sadness at what I am losing.

I really liked Dr. G. It was clear to me that he studied our chart and knew our case prior to me walking through the door. His bedside manner was phenomenal. I look forward to what the future with him as our doctor may bring.

Standing on a line...

Tomorrow morning I have a consult back in Buffalo with Dr. G. (He is new to Buffalo. He came from Strong Fertility in Rochester.) I'm hoping Dr. G will restore my faith in Buffalo.

Why am I returning to Buffalo? 1. I called Rochester three times asking for a return phone call to answer some questions I had and I never received a call back. 2. If we were to cycle again, Buffalo is 30 minutes away versus the 60 minute ride to Rochester. I would have to take half days off from work to travel back and forth from Rochester for monitoring and that would burn up a ton of my very limited sick time. 3. If we were to do another IVF in Buffalo, I believe we would still qualify for the second cycle rate.

I have to put my pride and anger with Buffalo behind me. At this point, I just want to get pregnant. I don't care where or how. I am not expecting a different recommendation, but I am hoping Dr. G will give a shit that we've been at this for so long now and will genuinely want to help. 38 months spent in Buffalo with no baby to show for our time there. Dr. Crickard told me in August he was "embarrassed" that we had been there so long and they had not gotten us a viable pregnancy. Immediately after saying that, he handed me the lupron trigger, told me a nurse would be in with instructions, and he left the room. I never saw or heard from him again. He knew that cycle was a bust. But, I was just another widget on the Buffalo IVF conveyor belt. I desperately need some compassion and someone who cares.

I don't know if we will be able to cycle again, but these past few months of not knowing what the future would bring is boding well for me, physically or emotionally. I need to have a plan in place. I need to know what will come next. I'm not ready to give up. Not now. Not yet.

Moving forward...

I'm doing OK. Really, I am. My absence has simply been due to the fact that I've been very busy. Work, Drama Club, work, Drama Club, etc, etc, etc...

Recently, my friend texted me basically telling me to hang in there. My reply..."I can't continue to focus solely on the shitty aspects of my life (mainly infertility). My life is and will be what I make it. I need to move forward and continue to work towards being the healthiest me I can be. Who knows what the future will bring, But, I can't waste my life waiting and hoping for something that may or may not ever be. Instead, I've made the decision to carry on and carry on I will." Moving forward doesn't necessarily mean giving up. For me, it just means refocusing and perhaps putting more time and energy into things that are guaranteed to make me feel good.

When someone asks what I plan on doing in terms of infertility, I simply reply, "We are not aggressively moving forward with infertility treatments at the present time. What the future will bring, nobody knows. But in the meantime, I refuse to sit around and focus solely on achieving pregnancy when there is so much more to life."

I stopped the birth control early in the week.

I never heard back from Rochester after calling and asking the doctor to call me back at her earliest convenience. I called Tuesday early afternoon.

I've been toying with the idea of returning to Buffalo since there is a new doctor there that came from Rochester. A second IVF cycle there would be cheaper, not to mention much more convenient. We would still need to save and find a way to pay for it.

I have meds left that will expire soon that I would like to use.

I've toyed with the idea of doing an injectable cycle with timed intercourse. I've also toyed with the idea of just tracking my cycles at home (hoping I have a few regular ones again) and seeing what happens while continuing to work on losing more weight. I've been told, probably more times than I have cared to hear, that miracles happen. I'm not sure I believe that miracles happen as much as I believe that timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.

In the meantime while I sort out all my thoughts, I will continue to focus on each day as best as I can. I know some days will be better than others.

In other news, I've been taking my new Isotonix vitamins for one week. Words cannot begin to describe the difference in how I feel. I have loads of energy, and my head feels clearer. I dont want to sleep or lay around all day. I am once again accomplishing tasks around the house. I'm sleeping well consistently. Even given the recent news from Rochester, I am not curled up in a ball under the covers like I feel I would have been two weeks ago. I find it so hard to believe that within a couple of days taking these new vitamins I could feel so much better. But, there is nothing else to account for the change.

I have completely stopped taking the Zoloft and Abilify. The only medications I continue to take are the thyroid hormone and the Metformin. I was toying with going off the Metformin and looking for something more natural to supplement with, but my endocrinologist highly enoucraged me to stay on the Metformin if we think we may continue TTC or while I am trying to continue with weight loss. So, I will say on it.

I will continue with Weight Watchers and try to squeeze in exercise as often as I can during Drama season. I will not beat myself up if I don't make it to the gym given my schedule right now. I will begin doing things I enjoy again. I will focus on the positive things in life and what will be, will be in terms of my struggle with infertility.

When is enough enough?

How do you decide when enough is enough when you are talking about the one thing you want most in life?! Please, someone have an answer for me. I simply don't know how to make this decision.