4 days after being canceled I am still devastated. It is after 1pm here and I am still in bed. I have no desire to get out of bed today. I woke up this morning and my chest and stomach ached with sadness. This sadness is so deep. I've been crying all morning, and when I think there are no tears left, I cry some more.
I called the psychologist who runs our support group today to make an appointment. I will see her on Thursday at noon. I really hope she is able to help me process these emotions and ultimately, feel better. This is the saddest I have felt on this entire TTC journey. I think it is all finally catching up with me. I definitely cannot go on like this much longer...
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Book Club
So, my friends from my infertility support group future moms club started a book club. We've been meeting once a month, and it seems to me that we really were just looking for another excuse to get together during the month since I'm not sure there has been one month we have all actually read the book.
I love spending time with the girls, and always feel sad when our time together comes to an end.
Next month's book - The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Looks to be a good read...
In other news, I spoke with the nurse from my doctor's office today and we will add an additional vial of meds right off the bat next cycle. I will start stimming on day three with 4 vials. We are hoping this will give me more follicles (with the hope some will be on the R side), but at the same time not overstimulate me. Holding on to hope, it is all I can do...
I love spending time with the girls, and always feel sad when our time together comes to an end.
Next month's book - The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Looks to be a good read...
In other news, I spoke with the nurse from my doctor's office today and we will add an additional vial of meds right off the bat next cycle. I will start stimming on day three with 4 vials. We are hoping this will give me more follicles (with the hope some will be on the R side), but at the same time not overstimulate me. Holding on to hope, it is all I can do...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Smurf-tastic friends!!
I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have. I truly couldn't ask for better friends.
Through my struggle with infertility, I've made several new friends. In September 2010, I began to attend the support group my infertility clinic offers. It took only a couple meetings before we were exchanging e-mails and phone numbers. Our little group has grown through the months, and we count ourselves really lucky to have each other.
On Saturday, as I felt even crappier and more recluse, a one of these friends offered to hang out. Initially, I declined. But then the more I thought about it, I knew I had to drag my ass off the couch and do something. So, just as I was about to call her, my phone rang. She just knew I needed an ear. We ended up going to movies to see The Smurfs, and had dinner after. It was JUST what I needed. Thank you friend! It was smurf-arific!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Throw them at people...
I don't feel like making lemonade today. In fact, I don't feel like doing much. I just got out of bed, just shy of noon. I feel defeated, sad, depressed. In the past year, I've really had only ONE chance of achieving pregnancy. ONE. In twelve months. I don't count my two cycles in January and February 2011 because my tube was blocked. My cycle in June after my tubal cannulation surgery is the only real shot I had. I'm frustrated. I try to be positive about all of this all the time. But reality is, I can't be. I hate feeling this way.
How can I reframe my thoughts to get back into a better place? How do people live through infertility? I did an internet search, for inspirational infertility quotes. And I came across this post on "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility". I may have to spend some more time on this site...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Welcome to the world of blogging...
What brings me to the world of blogging?
I struggle from infertility. I'm one in eight who struggle with infertility. Specifically, I struggle from Tubal Factor Infertility. I want to share my story with those I am close with and document our progress towards becoming parents. Perhaps I can help someone along the way too...
It will take me some time to catch you up, but let me start here...
I began seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in July 2009 after completing several rounds of Clomid with my OBGYN after trying naturally for well over a year and "not preventing" for several years prior to that. I have a history of very irregular cycles. It is likely I wasn't ovulating either.
The RE began treating me with Femara. After several cycles of Femara, we still had not achieved pregnancy. We added Ovidrel. A couple months later, we achieved pregnancy! Unfortunately, it was a suspected ectopic. It wasn't confirmed, but my HCG levels were low and didn't rise properly. After one dose of Methotrexate (MTX), my levels dropped to the negative range.
We continued trying to conceive through the spring and summer, adding IUI to the mix. In August, I went on vacation with a girlfriend so I was unable to continue treatment because I would be out of town when I needed to be monitored. Miraculously, we conceived on our own! My first beta after realizing I was pregnant was over 5,800. I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing on the screen. Ectopic. Again. Now they were pretty convinced the first was definitely an ectopic and probably damaged the tube. Two doses of MTX, and my levels dropped to around 300. On October 1st, I still ruptured. I had to go in for emergency surgery to remove my left tube.
After suffering from the two ectopic pregnancies in 2010, we decided to move to injectible IUI cycles to up my chances. I completed two injectible IUI cycles (using Bravelle and Ovidrel) in January and February 2011 before finding out that my right tube was completely blocked. We sat out a few months before I had surgery on May 5th, 2011 to attempt to unblock my tube. The doctor found a polyp when he went in, and was able to remove it. I had a repeat HSG (hysterosalpingogram) in June, and I thought my prayers had been answered and it would be easy sailing from there on out. I completed an injectible cycle in June, which was unsuccessful. I went on day 3 of my cycle for bloodwork and an ultrasound to be sure everything was OK to start a new cycle only to find out my ovaries were filled with large cysts! So two weeks on BCP, back for another ultrasound to find that two cysts were still there. I continued on active BCP for two more weeks.
Upon getting my period after completing the BCP, I got the go ahead to start injectible cycle #4! (My insurance covers 3 rounds of injectible meds, so my doctor gave me meds (Menopur) for a 4th cycle. I also was very lucky to acquire some meds (Bravelle) from a member of the support group I attend through the clinic. So, I'm lucky to have more meds to be able to continue TTC using injectibles.) I completed 5 days of injections, and then had an ultrasound on the 6th morning.
Which brings me to today...at the ultrasound, it was discovered that I had ZERO growth on the right side, and plenty of growth on my left side (tubeless side). I had some 13's and 10's on the left, and the largest on the right was a 7. After the nurse reviewed my case with a Dr., he decided to cancel my cycle as it is unlikely that the 7 would catch up. The nurse mentioned using a Micro Flare protocol in the future to possibly get better response on the R side. I don't know how or why that would work differently, but at this point I'm willing to try anything to get pregnant. She is going to talk to my Dr. on Monday (he was out today) and call me back Monday.
So, as is par for the course with infertility, I wait and hope. I wait until the phone call Monday to find out if I can try a different protocol to get more follicles. I wait for my next period. I hope I don't have any cysts. I hope I can start a new cycle. I hope I can achieve pregnancy. And, I hope I can gather the strength to continue on this journey.
I struggle from infertility. I'm one in eight who struggle with infertility. Specifically, I struggle from Tubal Factor Infertility. I want to share my story with those I am close with and document our progress towards becoming parents. Perhaps I can help someone along the way too...
It will take me some time to catch you up, but let me start here...
I began seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in July 2009 after completing several rounds of Clomid with my OBGYN after trying naturally for well over a year and "not preventing" for several years prior to that. I have a history of very irregular cycles. It is likely I wasn't ovulating either.
The RE began treating me with Femara. After several cycles of Femara, we still had not achieved pregnancy. We added Ovidrel. A couple months later, we achieved pregnancy! Unfortunately, it was a suspected ectopic. It wasn't confirmed, but my HCG levels were low and didn't rise properly. After one dose of Methotrexate (MTX), my levels dropped to the negative range.
We continued trying to conceive through the spring and summer, adding IUI to the mix. In August, I went on vacation with a girlfriend so I was unable to continue treatment because I would be out of town when I needed to be monitored. Miraculously, we conceived on our own! My first beta after realizing I was pregnant was over 5,800. I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing on the screen. Ectopic. Again. Now they were pretty convinced the first was definitely an ectopic and probably damaged the tube. Two doses of MTX, and my levels dropped to around 300. On October 1st, I still ruptured. I had to go in for emergency surgery to remove my left tube.
After suffering from the two ectopic pregnancies in 2010, we decided to move to injectible IUI cycles to up my chances. I completed two injectible IUI cycles (using Bravelle and Ovidrel) in January and February 2011 before finding out that my right tube was completely blocked. We sat out a few months before I had surgery on May 5th, 2011 to attempt to unblock my tube. The doctor found a polyp when he went in, and was able to remove it. I had a repeat HSG (hysterosalpingogram) in June, and I thought my prayers had been answered and it would be easy sailing from there on out. I completed an injectible cycle in June, which was unsuccessful. I went on day 3 of my cycle for bloodwork and an ultrasound to be sure everything was OK to start a new cycle only to find out my ovaries were filled with large cysts! So two weeks on BCP, back for another ultrasound to find that two cysts were still there. I continued on active BCP for two more weeks.
Upon getting my period after completing the BCP, I got the go ahead to start injectible cycle #4! (My insurance covers 3 rounds of injectible meds, so my doctor gave me meds (Menopur) for a 4th cycle. I also was very lucky to acquire some meds (Bravelle) from a member of the support group I attend through the clinic. So, I'm lucky to have more meds to be able to continue TTC using injectibles.) I completed 5 days of injections, and then had an ultrasound on the 6th morning.
Which brings me to today...at the ultrasound, it was discovered that I had ZERO growth on the right side, and plenty of growth on my left side (tubeless side). I had some 13's and 10's on the left, and the largest on the right was a 7. After the nurse reviewed my case with a Dr., he decided to cancel my cycle as it is unlikely that the 7 would catch up. The nurse mentioned using a Micro Flare protocol in the future to possibly get better response on the R side. I don't know how or why that would work differently, but at this point I'm willing to try anything to get pregnant. She is going to talk to my Dr. on Monday (he was out today) and call me back Monday.
So, as is par for the course with infertility, I wait and hope. I wait until the phone call Monday to find out if I can try a different protocol to get more follicles. I wait for my next period. I hope I don't have any cysts. I hope I can start a new cycle. I hope I can achieve pregnancy. And, I hope I can gather the strength to continue on this journey.
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