These days, I wake up, go to work, run errands, go to appointments, come home, and go to bed. Then, I wake up and do it all over again. I'm tired of being busy doing things I don't enjoy. I'm weighed down with appointment after appointment (annual physical, chiropractor, counseling, dermatologist, etc. etc. etc.). Those are all next week. Oh, add in an appointment to get my dog groomed. And the information pick up for my running class. Surely, I'm forgetting something else. But who wants to hear about that boring stuff...
My toes are healing. They look better and feel much better. They hurt SO. DAMN. BAD. the first night and next day. I was cursing everyone who told me it "wouldn't be that bad". It WAS that bad! Thank god I did both toes at the same time because I never would have went back for the second one. Anyhow, I'm hoping they are completely healed in time to start running in 2 weeks. Oh - and I ordered new sneakers for my running class! (OK, OK, I really just wanted new sneakers - the class just gave me an "excuse" to buy them!)
I'm currently reading It Starts With Food. I'm not finished yet, but I'm really intrigued to try a 30 day nutritional reset. What do I have to lose - feeling better, improved sleep and energy levels? Yes, please!
Groupon. Living Social. Amazon Daily Deals. I really need to unsubscribe to those sites/apps!Everyday there is something I HAVE to have. Yesterday, I bought two deals. One for an unlimited month long pass for a women's fitness class, and another for 8 Pedal and Pump classes (spinning/weight class). I'm planning on using the women's fitness class at the Mixed Martial Arts center next month, then the Pedal and Pump one the following month. I'm looking forward to trying something a little different. (Of course, getting off the couch would be different - guess I should start there!)
My formal observation at work is this Thursday. Preparing for that is a bitch. Formal lesson plan, pre-observation form, artifacts to "prove" I know how to teach after 10 years of doing so...paperwork and more paperwork.
7:30 and I'm ready for bed. I went to work about an hour early this morning to scan everything in to submit for my lesson Thursday. I enjoyed the quiet, productive time. I accomplished more this morning than I usually do during the day. There are simply too many distractions during the day! I may go in early again tomorrow and see if I still "enjoy" it. I really need to clean off my desk - but by the end of the day, I'm too tired to and just want to get the eff out of dodge! So I don't. Then I return the next day and feel scattered and ill-prepared for the day. Perhaps changing that will help me feel better overall.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
This little piggy....
I've dealt with frequent ingrown toenails for as long as I can remember. The older I got, the more difficult it was to catch them early and dig them out. They became worse and worse, often becoming infected and requiring medical intervention to remove them. Today, I finally had the surgery to permanently remove the sides of each nail on the outside edge of both big toes so that they NEVER. EVER. GROW. BACK. I was literally petrified to have this procedure. But, giving I'm ready to resume running in March, it was necessary. Not to mention the pain I've been dealing with in recent months from ingrowns....
I've signed up (again) for the No Boundaries 5K training program beginning in March at a local running store. I signed up last year, but had to back out because of my plantar fasciitis. I'm currently undergoing cold laser therapy on my feet with my chiropractor to try to help. It seems to be helping. I'm not sure if it is a placebo effect or it is really helping. I guess either way, it doesn't matter.
I've also signed up to run The Color Run again! This time right here in Buffalo in August!
I'll let the following pictures and a few captions tell the story of my very eventful day today...
I've signed up (again) for the No Boundaries 5K training program beginning in March at a local running store. I signed up last year, but had to back out because of my plantar fasciitis. I'm currently undergoing cold laser therapy on my feet with my chiropractor to try to help. It seems to be helping. I'm not sure if it is a placebo effect or it is really helping. I guess either way, it doesn't matter.
I've also signed up to run The Color Run again! This time right here in Buffalo in August!
I'll let the following pictures and a few captions tell the story of my very eventful day today...
Before leaving the house this morning.
(I used to think my feet weren't terribly unattractive.)
We had to stop for gas on the way. My husband bought me a scratch-off ticket. I won $20!
Ready to get this over with. Hope there is enough numbing stuff on that table!
Holy $h!t! Look at those daggers! No wonder my poor toes hurt so bad! Those sharp pointy pieces were digging into my toes.
All dressed up and no where to go, except the couch for a few days!
Home in time to catch the second Budweiser Duel race. That right toe is throbbing pretty good. It feels like when your toes are warming up after going numb from being so cold. You know that weird feeling...
Here's hoping these heal up quickly! I'm ready to take back charge of my life. Speaking of which, today is my 1-year anniversary of joining Weight Watchers for the last time. While I've not made any progress in terms of losing weight in recent months, I plan on turning that around. I'm reading The Beck Diet Solution right now. It is based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy - changing how you think and training your brain to think differently. Hoping it helps me get out of this rut I'm in!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The Lucky One....
This morning, I watched the movie The Lucky One, and this opening quote really struck me....
"You know, the smallest thing can change a life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance - and when you least expect it - sets you on a course that you could have never planned, into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That's the journey of our lives: our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must past through the deepest darkness."
A very difficult, but necessary, post to write....
It seems that lately I am always apologizing for my lack of blog posts. This one has been spiraling in my head for a while. I just wasn't ready to make it official. (Heck, I'm still not sure I am...)
Since my last post, lots has happened...
My school's Drama Club, for which I am 1 of 3 advisors, put on two very successful performances of Seussical, Jr.! The kids worked their tails off, and the proof was in the pudding. Both shows were packed, and both shows received standing ovations! Amazing doesn't begin to describe the group of kids we were working with this year...
My mother had surgery to remove her thyroid. The biopsy came back as cancer. In terms of cancers, this one is highly curable. I am really not worried. The news was just one more stressor to add to my pile, and it really didn't have that much to do with a "cancer diagnosis". It is more about how my mother handles/reacts to situations. She is very emotionally "needy". THAT is what adds stress for me. (Maybe some other day I will divulge information about our broken relationship, including how she offered to help us fund a second IVF and when the push came to shove last July/August when we had the perfect opportunity to convert our IUI to an IVF and I called her, she acted as if she never made that offer and told me to get a second job to pay for it.) Let's just say that we don't have a very typical mother/daughter relationship, and we never will have one.
At work, I had 13 CSE (Committee on Special Education) meetings all in the same week. For each meeting, I had to write an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for each student. Each document takes me approximately 3 hours to complete from start to finish. That includes completing a 1:1 interview with each student, collecting and organizing data, conferencing with the parent(s), and writing the document (which includes a narrative section describing academic, social and physical current levels of performance, testing data, strengths and weaknesses, a transition section outlining post secondary goals and transition activities, annual goals towards which instruction will be geared, as well as program accommodations and testing modifications which all must have evidence to support the recommendation). After I create a "draft" IEP, the committee convenes and holds a meeting to discuss everything in the document. The committee consists of our Director of Special Education, current and future school psychologist, student, parent(s), general education teacher, current and future guidance counselors, and myself. My students are transitioning to HS in the fall, so my meetings always take a little longer and involve more people. I schedule the meetings 1-hour apart, which means we can get through 6 in a day. They also often run over the allotted time. Then, after each meeting, I have to go in and add/delete/change anything in the document which evolves from our discussions at the meeting. Because IEP's are legal documents, I take writing them very seriously. I like to be sure all my T's are crossed and I's are dotted. And because my meetings are always held at Central Office (with our Director), I feel the pressure even more so. Now that the meetings are over, I have to make new data collection sheets for the new goals and begin to track data towards those new goals. I feel like so much more of my job these days is data-collecting and testing rather than actually teaching. Sadly, the kids feel the same way.
My grandmother is not taking care of her diabetes as well as she should. My aunt is a very Type-A personality, and is easily stressed about it. My stance? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. If she doesn't care enough about her own health to make changes, what can I do? I told my grandmother to choose a recipe or two from her diabetic cookbook, and we would make them together. It has been almost a month, and every time I call her, she responds by telling me she was "just about to look through the cookbook". I refuse to do it for her. I'm not going to enable her helpless behavior. (For the record - she is FAR from helpless.)
The cherry on the shit-sundae was two weeks ago when I was t-boned by a deer about 3 miles from my house. I had to climb out the passenger side as my driver door wouldn't open. Neither driver side door would open. In the end, the damage totaled just shy of $3,000. In a nutshell, the entire driver side needs to be replaced. Oh, and did I mention that we have a $2,000 deductible? Yea. Really.
Needless to say, my stress level hit what I would call an all-time high this past month. Leading me to seek out support from my counselor. I've been to see her once, and have another appointment scheduled. I am still not on my depression medication, and I feel as if I am just barely hanging in there. My anxiety is causing physical symptoms. I'm waiting to see if this week off from work helps calm the chest pain, racing heart, and palpitations down. If not, I will schedule an appointment to deal with that. I'm not opposed to going back on my medication. I am paying extra close attention right now.
I don't know how to transition into the next bit of information I am about to share - so I will just come out and say it. I am closing the door on our infertility journey. I'm not locking it (I wanted to slam and lock it, but my counselor suggested I simply close it but keep it unlocked for the time being and make more final decisions later on), but I can't remain in limbo by keeping it open right now. Without going into too many details, there are many factors coming into play that surround this decision. (If anyone has some extra money they are looking to part with - feel free to write me a check!) Seriously though, money isn't the only factor in this decision. There are so many factors swirling around in my head. We are in a very different place than we were 5+ years ago when we decided to seek out more aggressive treatments. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and make sense of them all before "publishing" them in black and white.
But, having shared this information, let me tell you this - if you even think for one hot second that I must "not want a child bad enough if I'm willing to close the door", you couldn't be more wrong. So wipe that thought out of your head. Our decision is a very personal one. And I don't need to worry about what others are thinking about this decision. I don't need to feel that others are judging us. If you can't simply support me during what is sure to be a very difficult road ahead while I look to heal and move forward, then unfriend me.
Right now, my immediate goal is to replace infertility related habits with non-fertility related ones. For example, I come to my blog everyday to read updates from the other infertility and pregnant after infertility blogs I follow. I can't do that anymore. So, if there are blogs you are following through mine, I suggest you bookmark them on your computer as I will be removing some of my blog lists. (If you are one of the ones I remove - please know it isn't personal; it is simply necessary self-preservation.) I removed myself from a couple of Facebook groups I belonged to that were centered around infertility. I'm slowly going to regain control and confidence in my life and the path I am choosing to take moving forward.
Please, if you are a friend of someone who has struggled with infertility or have struggled yourself, remember that not all infertility battles end with a child. Some people battle and beat it, while others succumb/choose to live as a (hopefully) happy family minus children. I will accept that my existence is more than the sum of my eggs and his sperm.
I read a piece on another blog about starting over.
Step 1: Don't live in the past.
Step 2: Accept starting over as part of your journey.
Step 3: Embrace the adventure.
Step 4: Believe that something better will come.
"Ultimately, the Art of Starting Over begins and ends with a giant embrace of what’s possible." The Subtle Art of Starting Over
What is possible for me/us? I don't know, but I do intend to embrace every.single.possibility.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to those of you who choose to stand by my side following my journey while I embrace my new adventure.
Since my last post, lots has happened...
My school's Drama Club, for which I am 1 of 3 advisors, put on two very successful performances of Seussical, Jr.! The kids worked their tails off, and the proof was in the pudding. Both shows were packed, and both shows received standing ovations! Amazing doesn't begin to describe the group of kids we were working with this year...
My mother had surgery to remove her thyroid. The biopsy came back as cancer. In terms of cancers, this one is highly curable. I am really not worried. The news was just one more stressor to add to my pile, and it really didn't have that much to do with a "cancer diagnosis". It is more about how my mother handles/reacts to situations. She is very emotionally "needy". THAT is what adds stress for me. (Maybe some other day I will divulge information about our broken relationship, including how she offered to help us fund a second IVF and when the push came to shove last July/August when we had the perfect opportunity to convert our IUI to an IVF and I called her, she acted as if she never made that offer and told me to get a second job to pay for it.) Let's just say that we don't have a very typical mother/daughter relationship, and we never will have one.
At work, I had 13 CSE (Committee on Special Education) meetings all in the same week. For each meeting, I had to write an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for each student. Each document takes me approximately 3 hours to complete from start to finish. That includes completing a 1:1 interview with each student, collecting and organizing data, conferencing with the parent(s), and writing the document (which includes a narrative section describing academic, social and physical current levels of performance, testing data, strengths and weaknesses, a transition section outlining post secondary goals and transition activities, annual goals towards which instruction will be geared, as well as program accommodations and testing modifications which all must have evidence to support the recommendation). After I create a "draft" IEP, the committee convenes and holds a meeting to discuss everything in the document. The committee consists of our Director of Special Education, current and future school psychologist, student, parent(s), general education teacher, current and future guidance counselors, and myself. My students are transitioning to HS in the fall, so my meetings always take a little longer and involve more people. I schedule the meetings 1-hour apart, which means we can get through 6 in a day. They also often run over the allotted time. Then, after each meeting, I have to go in and add/delete/change anything in the document which evolves from our discussions at the meeting. Because IEP's are legal documents, I take writing them very seriously. I like to be sure all my T's are crossed and I's are dotted. And because my meetings are always held at Central Office (with our Director), I feel the pressure even more so. Now that the meetings are over, I have to make new data collection sheets for the new goals and begin to track data towards those new goals. I feel like so much more of my job these days is data-collecting and testing rather than actually teaching. Sadly, the kids feel the same way.
My grandmother is not taking care of her diabetes as well as she should. My aunt is a very Type-A personality, and is easily stressed about it. My stance? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. If she doesn't care enough about her own health to make changes, what can I do? I told my grandmother to choose a recipe or two from her diabetic cookbook, and we would make them together. It has been almost a month, and every time I call her, she responds by telling me she was "just about to look through the cookbook". I refuse to do it for her. I'm not going to enable her helpless behavior. (For the record - she is FAR from helpless.)
The cherry on the shit-sundae was two weeks ago when I was t-boned by a deer about 3 miles from my house. I had to climb out the passenger side as my driver door wouldn't open. Neither driver side door would open. In the end, the damage totaled just shy of $3,000. In a nutshell, the entire driver side needs to be replaced. Oh, and did I mention that we have a $2,000 deductible? Yea. Really.
Needless to say, my stress level hit what I would call an all-time high this past month. Leading me to seek out support from my counselor. I've been to see her once, and have another appointment scheduled. I am still not on my depression medication, and I feel as if I am just barely hanging in there. My anxiety is causing physical symptoms. I'm waiting to see if this week off from work helps calm the chest pain, racing heart, and palpitations down. If not, I will schedule an appointment to deal with that. I'm not opposed to going back on my medication. I am paying extra close attention right now.
I don't know how to transition into the next bit of information I am about to share - so I will just come out and say it. I am closing the door on our infertility journey. I'm not locking it (I wanted to slam and lock it, but my counselor suggested I simply close it but keep it unlocked for the time being and make more final decisions later on), but I can't remain in limbo by keeping it open right now. Without going into too many details, there are many factors coming into play that surround this decision. (If anyone has some extra money they are looking to part with - feel free to write me a check!) Seriously though, money isn't the only factor in this decision. There are so many factors swirling around in my head. We are in a very different place than we were 5+ years ago when we decided to seek out more aggressive treatments. I'm trying to organize my thoughts and make sense of them all before "publishing" them in black and white.
But, having shared this information, let me tell you this - if you even think for one hot second that I must "not want a child bad enough if I'm willing to close the door", you couldn't be more wrong. So wipe that thought out of your head. Our decision is a very personal one. And I don't need to worry about what others are thinking about this decision. I don't need to feel that others are judging us. If you can't simply support me during what is sure to be a very difficult road ahead while I look to heal and move forward, then unfriend me.
Right now, my immediate goal is to replace infertility related habits with non-fertility related ones. For example, I come to my blog everyday to read updates from the other infertility and pregnant after infertility blogs I follow. I can't do that anymore. So, if there are blogs you are following through mine, I suggest you bookmark them on your computer as I will be removing some of my blog lists. (If you are one of the ones I remove - please know it isn't personal; it is simply necessary self-preservation.) I removed myself from a couple of Facebook groups I belonged to that were centered around infertility. I'm slowly going to regain control and confidence in my life and the path I am choosing to take moving forward.
Please, if you are a friend of someone who has struggled with infertility or have struggled yourself, remember that not all infertility battles end with a child. Some people battle and beat it, while others succumb/choose to live as a (hopefully) happy family minus children. I will accept that my existence is more than the sum of my eggs and his sperm.
I read a piece on another blog about starting over.
Step 1: Don't live in the past.
Step 2: Accept starting over as part of your journey.
Step 3: Embrace the adventure.
Step 4: Believe that something better will come.
"Ultimately, the Art of Starting Over begins and ends with a giant embrace of what’s possible." The Subtle Art of Starting Over
What is possible for me/us? I don't know, but I do intend to embrace every.single.possibility.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to those of you who choose to stand by my side following my journey while I embrace my new adventure.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Post-op appointment and surgery pics...
I met with Dr. Griffin today for my post-op appointment. He is just so kind and caring. I really like him and feel like he really truly cares about our case. He takes all the time in the world with me, and tolerates my many questions. I haven't, either time meeting with him, felt rushed or like he was in a hurry. Today, my appointment was at 3:30. I was taken back at 3:23 and he came into the room at 3:29. Talk about prompt. I spent about 40 minutes with him.
He checked my incision sites and said that they look wonderful. He even told me I heal beautifully! (I've never been told this. I typically develop keloid scars while healing, and doctors are always surprised when it happens even when I tell them it will.) He asked if my belly button area was still bothering me and he asked how long the gas pain in my shoulders lasted. He clearly paid attention when I talked to him on the phone the day after surgery and remembered what I said. I don't know why this shocks me when as far as I'm concerned, this should be the norm among medical professionals. Sadly, in my experience, it isn't.
We talked about moving forward with an IVF. If we do, it would not be until April. The doctors in the clinic take turns doing IVF each month. He is currently managing IVF patients in January, and will be again during April. I expressed how important it was to me to have no one other than him manage my cycle if we move forward. He assured me that he would time everything so that he would be managing my cycle. He even would time it so our retrieval/transfer would occur the week he is on call through the weekend too (just to play it safe that I wouldn't have a different doctor for either). He is putting us on the schedule to ensure we will be all set if my husband and I agree to move forward. My mind is made up, now I have to convince my husband. (Oh, and there is the little issue of coming up with more money. If only money grew on trees.)
OK, you are probably dying to see my pictures, so without further ado...
The biopsy of the tube came back indicating healed chronic salpingitis and focal hydrosalpinx. Dr. Griffin said this tube was a breeding ground for ectopic pregnancies!
Right now, I feel optimistic and OK. This can change hour to hour, so I can't guarantee what will happen ten minutes from now.
In the meantime, I plan to get my ass back on track with my weight loss. Ideally, if we cycle in April, I have 3 full months to get moving. I could lose 30 more pounds. That would make me VERY happy and put us in an even better position for success with an IVF cycle. And it all starts right now!!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Out with the old...
It is with mixed feelings that I bid adieu to 2012. This time last year, I was filled with hope for all that I was sure 2012 would offer. It is without doubt that 2012 beat me down and poured salt in my open wounds. However, through the pain and heartache, I learned how to truly appreciate the good things in my life. I thank my husband and my friends for standing by my side. Here's hoping 2013 is a little kinder and gentler.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Kiss my ass 2012...
Our plan for 2013? Well, we haven't talked much about it since my surgery. I keep waiting for the "right" time to bring it up, but there never seems to be a right time. I'm hoping that by this time tomorrow my husband and I will have talked about it and agreed on what our path moving forward will include. My post-op appointment is Wednesday at 3:30. I want to go to that appointment knowing what we wish/plan to do. If my husband and I agree to move forward with another IVF, I plan on asking about adding supplements to improve our chances (CoQ10, myo-inositol, Vitamin D, Fish Oil, etc...I've been reading a lot but don't want to add anything without getting Dr. Griffin's thoughts). Hey, if it can't hurt, why not try it?! Oh, and I want to find out if Dr. Griffin saw any evidence of the fibroid that Rochester saw. I can't believe I forgot to ask that prior to surgery. I'm sure if there were anything impinging on my uterus, he would have seen it during surgery, but I want to make sure.
Here's hoping 2013 is kinder to us...
Here's hoping 2013 is kinder to us...
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Another childless Christmas...
I'm relaxing on my couch, chai tea piping hot, Christmas tree lit in the corner, A Christmas Story playing on the TV, and husband in the kitchen preparing the ham the two of us will enjoy later. Alone. Again.
I am not participating in holiday activities with my family. I say that as if there were any activities to participate in. My grandfather, who passed away 5+ years ago, was the glue that held our family together. Initially, after he passed, it was too painful to celebrate the holidays in our usual ways. Since then, my family has just grown apart. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays anymore. My family is small. It consists of my mother, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle, and my grandma. And of course my husband and I. That is it. And somehow, with just 7 of us, we manage to ruin every attempt at a celebration. I guess it is just something I should accept. Hopefully, in the future, things will be different. Right now, I don't have the strength to try to change things.
I am much more emotional today than I anticipated. My stomach is in knots, and my chest hurts. Surely it is a combination of the emotional impact of my recent surgery and the realization that we are in the midst of another childless holiday season. I feel like I would be better off being surrounded by people, but at the same time I have no desire to be that miserable person pretending to be jolly.
I have several friends who have been blessed with a child this year, and I am truly happy for them this holiday season.
I also have several friends who have not yet been blessed. For these friends, my heart still breaks. I can only hope that next year will be different.
Hope....it's like teetering on a see-saw. Too much hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Too little hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I never really liked see-saws anyway...
Anyhow, the purpose of this post wasn't simply to whine and cry. The purpose was to share a resource I think could be very helpful to many women/couples going through infertility during the holiday season. Resolve has some wonderful resources that may help. Check them out here: COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS
I'm sincere when I say I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful, memorable holiday season. I wish each of you strength and that you come out the other side of infertility stronger and content with whatever comes of your struggle.
Merry Christmas! XOXO
I am not participating in holiday activities with my family. I say that as if there were any activities to participate in. My grandfather, who passed away 5+ years ago, was the glue that held our family together. Initially, after he passed, it was too painful to celebrate the holidays in our usual ways. Since then, my family has just grown apart. We don't celebrate birthdays or holidays anymore. My family is small. It consists of my mother, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle, and my grandma. And of course my husband and I. That is it. And somehow, with just 7 of us, we manage to ruin every attempt at a celebration. I guess it is just something I should accept. Hopefully, in the future, things will be different. Right now, I don't have the strength to try to change things.
I am much more emotional today than I anticipated. My stomach is in knots, and my chest hurts. Surely it is a combination of the emotional impact of my recent surgery and the realization that we are in the midst of another childless holiday season. I feel like I would be better off being surrounded by people, but at the same time I have no desire to be that miserable person pretending to be jolly.
I have several friends who have been blessed with a child this year, and I am truly happy for them this holiday season.
I also have several friends who have not yet been blessed. For these friends, my heart still breaks. I can only hope that next year will be different.
Hope....it's like teetering on a see-saw. Too much hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Too little hope and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I never really liked see-saws anyway...
Anyhow, the purpose of this post wasn't simply to whine and cry. The purpose was to share a resource I think could be very helpful to many women/couples going through infertility during the holiday season. Resolve has some wonderful resources that may help. Check them out here: COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS
I'm sincere when I say I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful, memorable holiday season. I wish each of you strength and that you come out the other side of infertility stronger and content with whatever comes of your struggle.
Merry Christmas! XOXO
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The future looks bright...
The surgery went well. The day before surgery, well, that is another story. (I hope this is coherent.)
I felt good about removing the tube all along, until Dr. Griffin called me on Wednesday. He had consulted with Dr. Crickard after finally seeing all the films from the HSG and then called me to share Dr. Crickard's insights. Dr. Crickard felt we should leave the tube alone. I was angry that Dr. Crickard would even have an opinion regarding my case seeing as though I feel his practice made several "mistakes" regarding my treatment plan through the years. I also was angry that this put doubt in my head. I talked to my closest friends (I couldn't get in touch with my husband) and quickly realized I had to be aggressive and remain determined that we remove that tube. My gut kept telling me I was making the right decision. I shared my thoughts with Dr. G, who really seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also asked him if he could, with 100% certainty, confirm that this tube was not leaking fluid that could have caused our IVF to fail. He said he couldn't. At that moment, it was reaffirmed I was making the right decision, and I think he realized it too. He asked if it would be OK if he called one of his old colleagues, Dr. Queenan in Rochester, for another opinion. He felt the more opinions, the better. Of course I didn't mind. I was especially relieved when Dr. Queenan's opinion was to remove the tube. My case isn't a textbook case; I cannot be categorized. Given my history, Dr. Queenan felt removing the tube would give us the best chance moving forward. Dr. G agreed, and the plan to move forward was still in place.
In the end, I'm so glad I stood my ground and was adamant that we go in and visualize that tube. I told Dr. G that if it made him feel better or more confident, I would let him make a game day decision once he got in there. We agreed that if the tube looked perfect and the dye spilled through, he would leave it. (Neither of us were expecting this, just to be clear. We both anticipated a worse looking tube than what was seen in October.) If it looked the least bit suspect, he would remove it. Dr. G told my husband afterwards that when he got in there, he saw a twisted, dilated, distorted tube filled with fluid and diverticulae pockets. No doubt, it had to go. Dr. G also said he feels confident to say that the "chemical" pregnancy in September 2011 was actually a third ectopic in this tube. How many people can say that lightning struck them not once, not twice, but THREE times?!
I was taken back into surgery early and it took a little longer than anticipated. I was also in recovery a little longer due to some difficulty breathing while coming out of the anesthesia. After several hours we were finally released and I arrived home late Thursday evening.
Thursday night and Friday were rough as I had bad pain in my right shoulder from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen with. The belly button incision site also remains painful. I'm most comfortable when lying flat (aside from the heartburn lying flat causes). I showered this morning and feel much better. I slept through the night last night, and have been awake all morning so far. (I do feel a nap coming soon though...)
I'm anxious to meet with Dr. G the first week of January to see the pictures myself. I also am anxious to hopefully finalize a plan to move forward with IVF. Buffalo does a payment plan, so I'm hoping I can convince my husband to move forward sooner than later. I also plan to contact my insurance company. I know they don't cover anything related to IVF, but given that IVF is medically necessary for us now that I have no tubes, I want to know if that changes anything. Probably not, but it can't hurt to ask.
I feel optimistic. The future looks bright...I feel like we are closer to our baby than we have ever been!
I felt good about removing the tube all along, until Dr. Griffin called me on Wednesday. He had consulted with Dr. Crickard after finally seeing all the films from the HSG and then called me to share Dr. Crickard's insights. Dr. Crickard felt we should leave the tube alone. I was angry that Dr. Crickard would even have an opinion regarding my case seeing as though I feel his practice made several "mistakes" regarding my treatment plan through the years. I also was angry that this put doubt in my head. I talked to my closest friends (I couldn't get in touch with my husband) and quickly realized I had to be aggressive and remain determined that we remove that tube. My gut kept telling me I was making the right decision. I shared my thoughts with Dr. G, who really seemed to understand where I was coming from. I also asked him if he could, with 100% certainty, confirm that this tube was not leaking fluid that could have caused our IVF to fail. He said he couldn't. At that moment, it was reaffirmed I was making the right decision, and I think he realized it too. He asked if it would be OK if he called one of his old colleagues, Dr. Queenan in Rochester, for another opinion. He felt the more opinions, the better. Of course I didn't mind. I was especially relieved when Dr. Queenan's opinion was to remove the tube. My case isn't a textbook case; I cannot be categorized. Given my history, Dr. Queenan felt removing the tube would give us the best chance moving forward. Dr. G agreed, and the plan to move forward was still in place.
In the end, I'm so glad I stood my ground and was adamant that we go in and visualize that tube. I told Dr. G that if it made him feel better or more confident, I would let him make a game day decision once he got in there. We agreed that if the tube looked perfect and the dye spilled through, he would leave it. (Neither of us were expecting this, just to be clear. We both anticipated a worse looking tube than what was seen in October.) If it looked the least bit suspect, he would remove it. Dr. G told my husband afterwards that when he got in there, he saw a twisted, dilated, distorted tube filled with fluid and diverticulae pockets. No doubt, it had to go. Dr. G also said he feels confident to say that the "chemical" pregnancy in September 2011 was actually a third ectopic in this tube. How many people can say that lightning struck them not once, not twice, but THREE times?!
I was taken back into surgery early and it took a little longer than anticipated. I was also in recovery a little longer due to some difficulty breathing while coming out of the anesthesia. After several hours we were finally released and I arrived home late Thursday evening.
Thursday night and Friday were rough as I had bad pain in my right shoulder from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen with. The belly button incision site also remains painful. I'm most comfortable when lying flat (aside from the heartburn lying flat causes). I showered this morning and feel much better. I slept through the night last night, and have been awake all morning so far. (I do feel a nap coming soon though...)
I'm anxious to meet with Dr. G the first week of January to see the pictures myself. I also am anxious to hopefully finalize a plan to move forward with IVF. Buffalo does a payment plan, so I'm hoping I can convince my husband to move forward sooner than later. I also plan to contact my insurance company. I know they don't cover anything related to IVF, but given that IVF is medically necessary for us now that I have no tubes, I want to know if that changes anything. Probably not, but it can't hurt to ask.
I feel optimistic. The future looks bright...I feel like we are closer to our baby than we have ever been!
Monday, December 17, 2012
And then there were none....
This Thursday, I will be having surgery to remove my remaining tube. While deep down I think I knew this day would come eventually, I was not entirely prepared for that day to be today. Dr. G scheduled the surgery while I was sitting in his office. I have what is known as hydrosalpinx. This basically means that my tube is grossly enlarged and filled with fluid. This fluid can be toxic to an embryo, which may explain our failed IVF. Regardless, if we are to move forward with treatment, the tube has to go.
I am relieved to think I will no longer have my tubes that have caused me nothing but heartache. However, the thought that I will NEVER, EVER conceive without IVF causes me much sadness and heartache. Even in the face of infertility, I think every woman holds on to some hope each month that pregnancy *could* happen. I feel as if I am being robbed of my fertility. This is a very difficult situation to swallow. Thursday will surely be a very difficult day. I hope I wake up from surgery with a renewed sense of hope, and not just sadness at what I am losing.
I really liked Dr. G. It was clear to me that he studied our chart and knew our case prior to me walking through the door. His bedside manner was phenomenal. I look forward to what the future with him as our doctor may bring.
I am relieved to think I will no longer have my tubes that have caused me nothing but heartache. However, the thought that I will NEVER, EVER conceive without IVF causes me much sadness and heartache. Even in the face of infertility, I think every woman holds on to some hope each month that pregnancy *could* happen. I feel as if I am being robbed of my fertility. This is a very difficult situation to swallow. Thursday will surely be a very difficult day. I hope I wake up from surgery with a renewed sense of hope, and not just sadness at what I am losing.
I really liked Dr. G. It was clear to me that he studied our chart and knew our case prior to me walking through the door. His bedside manner was phenomenal. I look forward to what the future with him as our doctor may bring.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Standing on a line...
Tomorrow morning I have a consult back in Buffalo with Dr. G. (He is new to Buffalo. He came from Strong Fertility in Rochester.) I'm hoping Dr. G will restore my faith in Buffalo.
Why am I returning to Buffalo? 1. I called Rochester three times asking for a return phone call to answer some questions I had and I never received a call back. 2. If we were to cycle again, Buffalo is 30 minutes away versus the 60 minute ride to Rochester. I would have to take half days off from work to travel back and forth from Rochester for monitoring and that would burn up a ton of my very limited sick time. 3. If we were to do another IVF in Buffalo, I believe we would still qualify for the second cycle rate.
I have to put my pride and anger with Buffalo behind me. At this point, I just want to get pregnant. I don't care where or how. I am not expecting a different recommendation, but I am hoping Dr. G will give a shit that we've been at this for so long now and will genuinely want to help. 38 months spent in Buffalo with no baby to show for our time there. Dr. Crickard told me in August he was "embarrassed" that we had been there so long and they had not gotten us a viable pregnancy. Immediately after saying that, he handed me the lupron trigger, told me a nurse would be in with instructions, and he left the room. I never saw or heard from him again. He knew that cycle was a bust. But, I was just another widget on the Buffalo IVF conveyor belt. I desperately need some compassion and someone who cares.
I don't know if we will be able to cycle again, but these past few months of not knowing what the future would bring is boding well for me, physically or emotionally. I need to have a plan in place. I need to know what will come next. I'm not ready to give up. Not now. Not yet.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Moving forward...
I'm doing OK. Really, I am. My absence has simply been due to the fact that I've been very busy. Work, Drama Club, work, Drama Club, etc, etc, etc...
Recently, my friend texted me basically telling me to hang in there. My reply..."I can't continue to focus solely on the shitty aspects of my life (mainly infertility). My life is and will be what I make it. I need to move forward and continue to work towards being the healthiest me I can be. Who knows what the future will bring, But, I can't waste my life waiting and hoping for something that may or may not ever be. Instead, I've made the decision to carry on and carry on I will." Moving forward doesn't necessarily mean giving up. For me, it just means refocusing and perhaps putting more time and energy into things that are guaranteed to make me feel good.
When someone asks what I plan on doing in terms of infertility, I simply reply, "We are not aggressively moving forward with infertility treatments at the present time. What the future will bring, nobody knows. But in the meantime, I refuse to sit around and focus solely on achieving pregnancy when there is so much more to life."
I stopped the birth control early in the week.
I never heard back from Rochester after calling and asking the doctor to call me back at her earliest convenience. I called Tuesday early afternoon.
I've been toying with the idea of returning to Buffalo since there is a new doctor there that came from Rochester. A second IVF cycle there would be cheaper, not to mention much more convenient. We would still need to save and find a way to pay for it.
I have meds left that will expire soon that I would like to use.
I've toyed with the idea of doing an injectable cycle with timed intercourse. I've also toyed with the idea of just tracking my cycles at home (hoping I have a few regular ones again) and seeing what happens while continuing to work on losing more weight. I've been told, probably more times than I have cared to hear, that miracles happen. I'm not sure I believe that miracles happen as much as I believe that timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime while I sort out all my thoughts, I will continue to focus on each day as best as I can. I know some days will be better than others.
In other news, I've been taking my new Isotonix vitamins for one week. Words cannot begin to describe the difference in how I feel. I have loads of energy, and my head feels clearer. I dont want to sleep or lay around all day. I am once again accomplishing tasks around the house. I'm sleeping well consistently. Even given the recent news from Rochester, I am not curled up in a ball under the covers like I feel I would have been two weeks ago. I find it so hard to believe that within a couple of days taking these new vitamins I could feel so much better. But, there is nothing else to account for the change.
I have completely stopped taking the Zoloft and Abilify. The only medications I continue to take are the thyroid hormone and the Metformin. I was toying with going off the Metformin and looking for something more natural to supplement with, but my endocrinologist highly enoucraged me to stay on the Metformin if we think we may continue TTC or while I am trying to continue with weight loss. So, I will say on it.
I will continue with Weight Watchers and try to squeeze in exercise as often as I can during Drama season. I will not beat myself up if I don't make it to the gym given my schedule right now. I will begin doing things I enjoy again. I will focus on the positive things in life and what will be, will be in terms of my struggle with infertility.
Recently, my friend texted me basically telling me to hang in there. My reply..."I can't continue to focus solely on the shitty aspects of my life (mainly infertility). My life is and will be what I make it. I need to move forward and continue to work towards being the healthiest me I can be. Who knows what the future will bring, But, I can't waste my life waiting and hoping for something that may or may not ever be. Instead, I've made the decision to carry on and carry on I will." Moving forward doesn't necessarily mean giving up. For me, it just means refocusing and perhaps putting more time and energy into things that are guaranteed to make me feel good.
When someone asks what I plan on doing in terms of infertility, I simply reply, "We are not aggressively moving forward with infertility treatments at the present time. What the future will bring, nobody knows. But in the meantime, I refuse to sit around and focus solely on achieving pregnancy when there is so much more to life."
I stopped the birth control early in the week.
I never heard back from Rochester after calling and asking the doctor to call me back at her earliest convenience. I called Tuesday early afternoon.
I've been toying with the idea of returning to Buffalo since there is a new doctor there that came from Rochester. A second IVF cycle there would be cheaper, not to mention much more convenient. We would still need to save and find a way to pay for it.
I have meds left that will expire soon that I would like to use.
I've toyed with the idea of doing an injectable cycle with timed intercourse. I've also toyed with the idea of just tracking my cycles at home (hoping I have a few regular ones again) and seeing what happens while continuing to work on losing more weight. I've been told, probably more times than I have cared to hear, that miracles happen. I'm not sure I believe that miracles happen as much as I believe that timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime while I sort out all my thoughts, I will continue to focus on each day as best as I can. I know some days will be better than others.
In other news, I've been taking my new Isotonix vitamins for one week. Words cannot begin to describe the difference in how I feel. I have loads of energy, and my head feels clearer. I dont want to sleep or lay around all day. I am once again accomplishing tasks around the house. I'm sleeping well consistently. Even given the recent news from Rochester, I am not curled up in a ball under the covers like I feel I would have been two weeks ago. I find it so hard to believe that within a couple of days taking these new vitamins I could feel so much better. But, there is nothing else to account for the change.
I have completely stopped taking the Zoloft and Abilify. The only medications I continue to take are the thyroid hormone and the Metformin. I was toying with going off the Metformin and looking for something more natural to supplement with, but my endocrinologist highly enoucraged me to stay on the Metformin if we think we may continue TTC or while I am trying to continue with weight loss. So, I will say on it.
I will continue with Weight Watchers and try to squeeze in exercise as often as I can during Drama season. I will not beat myself up if I don't make it to the gym given my schedule right now. I will begin doing things I enjoy again. I will focus on the positive things in life and what will be, will be in terms of my struggle with infertility.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
When is enough enough?
How do you decide when enough is enough when you are talking about the one thing you want most in life?! Please, someone have an answer for me. I simply don't know how to make this decision.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
No news isn't always good news...
Rochester didn't give us any gift money.
From the phone call today, it seemed I was being told there was no money currently to give. I was in shock and couldn't really ask any questions at the time. I was told to call next year and try again. WTF?! Call next YEAR and try again?!
I called back about 2 hours later after the news started to settle in and asked for my doctor to call back. She didn't. I'm confused because if there was no money to give, then why get someone all excited at the prospect? Why send someone for additional testing if there is no money to give. Leave well enough alone and be honest.
If there was no money to give, fine. But I feel like I'm not being told the whole story. And if anything, I've learned to ask questions and go with my gut.
I want to know if there really was money to give. I want to know what to do about the fibroid that I now have that wasn't there with my IUI in August. I want to know if I can discontinue the pill. I want to know what the doctor feels about my test results. How much time do we have to play with before my fertility starts heading downhill?
To IUI or not to IUI, that is the million dollar question. If we do decide to do injectables again, I think I want to trigger and have sex in my own bed. I do not want to do anymore inseminations. I'm IUI'd out. It is just hard because my left ovary is dominant, and I only have a right tube. Also, driving back and forth to Rochester for monitoring would suck.
I'm sick to think about the meds I saved that will now likely expire before I can use them. I can't see us being able to save enough money to do another IVF anytime soon. We have auto repairs we've been holding off on and bills to pay. We have lots of catching up to do after a dry summer with very few lawns to cut and maintain. My husband's hours were so minimal this summer that we are so far behind right now. We've cut back on everything we can; so please don't tell me that if we really wanted this we would find a way. I've heard that already and it makes me want to vomit. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother.
Right now, it seems we are at a turning point. Again. I feel like we are at the end of the road. I needed this last opportunity. I had already promised my husband, who hates seeing me suffer month after month, that this would be it. Now what? I don't know. But I do know I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any longer.
Stop the ride. I want off.
From the phone call today, it seemed I was being told there was no money currently to give. I was in shock and couldn't really ask any questions at the time. I was told to call next year and try again. WTF?! Call next YEAR and try again?!
I called back about 2 hours later after the news started to settle in and asked for my doctor to call back. She didn't. I'm confused because if there was no money to give, then why get someone all excited at the prospect? Why send someone for additional testing if there is no money to give. Leave well enough alone and be honest.
If there was no money to give, fine. But I feel like I'm not being told the whole story. And if anything, I've learned to ask questions and go with my gut.
I want to know if there really was money to give. I want to know what to do about the fibroid that I now have that wasn't there with my IUI in August. I want to know if I can discontinue the pill. I want to know what the doctor feels about my test results. How much time do we have to play with before my fertility starts heading downhill?
To IUI or not to IUI, that is the million dollar question. If we do decide to do injectables again, I think I want to trigger and have sex in my own bed. I do not want to do anymore inseminations. I'm IUI'd out. It is just hard because my left ovary is dominant, and I only have a right tube. Also, driving back and forth to Rochester for monitoring would suck.
I'm sick to think about the meds I saved that will now likely expire before I can use them. I can't see us being able to save enough money to do another IVF anytime soon. We have auto repairs we've been holding off on and bills to pay. We have lots of catching up to do after a dry summer with very few lawns to cut and maintain. My husband's hours were so minimal this summer that we are so far behind right now. We've cut back on everything we can; so please don't tell me that if we really wanted this we would find a way. I've heard that already and it makes me want to vomit. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother.
Right now, it seems we are at a turning point. Again. I feel like we are at the end of the road. I needed this last opportunity. I had already promised my husband, who hates seeing me suffer month after month, that this would be it. Now what? I don't know. But I do know I don't want to ride this rollercoaster any longer.
Stop the ride. I want off.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Test results...
My blood test results are as follows:
Day 3 E2: 14 pg/mL
Day 3 FSH: 6.4 mIU/mL
AMH: 6.22 ng/mL
I'm new to the FSH and AMH test. From what I'm reading, they are both normal. However, I read that my AMH level might be indicative of PCOS. No surprise there.
I did not hear from Rochester today about the gift money. I hope no news is good news. FINGERS CROSSED!
Day 3 E2: 14 pg/mL
Day 3 FSH: 6.4 mIU/mL
AMH: 6.22 ng/mL
I'm new to the FSH and AMH test. From what I'm reading, they are both normal. However, I read that my AMH level might be indicative of PCOS. No surprise there.
I did not hear from Rochester today about the gift money. I hope no news is good news. FINGERS CROSSED!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
So much to update....
I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I've updated my blog. In all honesty, the past two months have both dragged and flown by. Is that even possible? Between having pneumonia, being overwhelmed at work and the start of Drama Club (I'm an advisor), I'm exhausted most of the time. I'm finding myself in bed around 7pm, after arriving home just an hour earlier from rehearsal. Our show isn't until the end of January, so I don't see things getting better in the near future.
This morning I went to spinning class at World Gym. It was a 45 minute class and I burned 700 calories according to my heart rate monitor. Not too shabby. However, it was hard. I'm not in the best shape right now after struggling through several months of complacency. Time to kick it up a notch and find ways to fit in time to exercise again. At the beginning of the year when embarking on this lifestyle change, I would not allow myself to use "I don't have time" as an excuse. I MADE the time. Even though it really seems like I don't have the time right now, I have to find the time. If I go after rehearsal, I won't get home until close to 8. That is pretty late to eat dinner, wind down, finish up any last minute planning for school, not to mention do laundry, pick up, etc. The gym doesn't have morning classes that fit my schedule. I need to be at school by 7:30. The classes are all 6-7am, and that wouldn't leave me enough time to drive to work, let alone shower and get cleaned up. So, I'm not sure what to do. For now, I think I will definitely work out on Saturday and Sunday, and even if i just squeeze in 1-2 additional workouts for now during the week, it is surely better than nothing.
In terms of Weight Watchers, I feel like I'm finally back on track. I logged a 2.8 pound loss last week. That felt so good. I have a few more to go to get back to where I was in June. While it has saddened me to think about how much more weight I could have lost since June, I can't change the past, I can only make a plan to change the future and move forward.
In terms of infertility, you may recall I am now a patient of Strong Fertility in Rochester, about an hour from my house. The drive is nice and easy, but the other day when I had to go in the morning before work, it was tough. An hour there, and then an hour and twenty minutes back to work. I missed over 2 hours of work for a quick sonogram and blood work. But, I will do whatever I must to bring me closer to my goal of motherhood. I had to have AMH blood work (ovarian reserve test) and a sonogram. The clinic has gift money they are awarding patients, and I hope to be one of the ones they gift money to. I should find out tomorrow or Tuesday if we have been chosen. I am anxious and excited at the possibility of having another chance at pregnancy. It seems like each time I feel like a door slams in my face, another one opens for us. This is truly our last chance. We don't even have the money to cover the remaining costs of this cycle if we are awarded the money. But, I hope we can find a way. We haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it because if the clinic comes back and tells us we weren't chosen, all that time and energy would have been spent for nothing. We simply cannot fund an entire IVF cycle right now. I'm not sure how we could in the near future either. My union at work voted to take a pay cut, and my husband's hours have been limited as well. The debt is beginning to pile up. But, we keep plugging along. What else can one do?!
If we are chosen and can find a way to fund the remaining portion of the cycle, we would start with my next period in early December because the money has to be used before the calendar year ends. I'm currently on the pill in preparation for starting an IVF cycle. If it falls through, I would simply finish out this pill pack and then stop taking it anyhow. Perhaps we would do another IUI. Now that I think about it, I probably haven't updated since my repeat HSG.
If you recall, my paperwork from Buffalo was a disaster when I received it. While sorting through it, there were some red flags that stood out to me. One being that I was told after having a tubal cannulation surgery on May 5th, 2011 that my tube was indeed unblocked. At the repeat HSG test a few weeks after the surgery, the dye spilled into the tube and my doctor told me the surgery was a success! We went on to complete more IUI cycles, complete with a "chemical" pregnancy in September that most likely was another ectopic that resolved itself early on. Well, the report from that HSG indicated that while the tube was unblocked at the uterine end, it was blocked as well at the ovarian end. The doctor never told me that. In early October, I went out to Rochester for a repeat HSG to see what was going on. The dye did spill through the tube, but the tube is grossly enlarged and deformed at the ovarian end. Dr. Vitek, my Rochester doctor, said that we could do another IUI if this money doesn't come through or if we cannot find a way to fund the remaining portion of the IVF. She said we would be monitored closely if we achieve pregnancy through IUI to ensure it is not ectopic. If it were suspected to be ectopic, she said they would treat it right away. I told her that if it were a suspected ectopic, I would want to schedule surgery right away to remove the tube, eliminating the chances of another rupture. That was an extremely difficult situation and I don't want to repeat it. Honestly, doing another IUI scares me. It is so much more emotional for me than IVF. For an IUI, I would need my right ovary to produce eggs. And, historically it doesn't do much. My left is my dominant ovary, and for IUI, it does us no good to have mature follicles on the left and smaller ones on the right. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of doing another IUI, but I guess if it were my only shot, I would. I just don't know right now. And thankfully, I don't have to decide today.
In other news, I have decided to go off of my depression medications. I saw my psychiatrist a little over a week ago, and at that appointment we decided to leave things the same. I was on a relatively low dose of two medications, an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. My doctor always tells me that the risks are minimal, and that the mental well being of the mother far outweighs the risks. I always agreed, until last weekend. I was watching the news, and there was a feature story about women on SSRI medications having higher miscarriage rates. I researched further and found that over 40 studies link birth defects to children whose mothers were on SSRI meds. There are several studies also to support the theory that SSRI meds cause preterm births and higher rates of miscarriage. While the particular medications I am on are still considered "lower" risk even in light of this information, there is still a risk. One that I don't feel comfortable with. So, I called my psychiatrist and we talked on the phone for over 45 minutes. He doesn't really support my decision to discontinue meds, but ultimately I think he recognizes it is my decision. Historically, when trying to go off of meds, I manage for 2-5 months before ending up back in his office in tears unable to cope. I'm hoping that if I get pregnant, the joy of FINALLY being pregnant will ride me out for a bit. At least through the first trimester. The bottom line is I will never know unless I try. And I'm not willing to go into an IVF cycle, one which will cost me a great deal of money, knowing this information about increased miscarriage risks, and not do anything about it. I am going into this with an open mind, and am well aware I may end up back on the medication. So be it. I will ultimately feel better knowing I tried. I still agree that a healthy mother is better than an unhealthy one. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of my closest friends. They all know me very well, and often can identify before I can that things are heading downhill for me emotionally and mentally. I have agreed to listen to them. And if they recognize things heading in the wrong direction, I will call my doctor. I'm well aware of the fact that I very likely will end up back on medication. I am OK with that. However, I feel strongly about trying to manage through a pregnancy without them. Please understand that this is a very personal decision, and I do not feel it would be the right one for every woman on SSRI meds. Please respect it is MY decision. This decision has caused me a great deal of stress, especially given my doctor doesn't fully support it. I have always respected him, and continue to, therefore making it more difficult to go against his recommendation. I just hope that given I am taking better care of myself than I ever have (losing weight, exercising, etc.) I will manage OK. I also plan on calling my counselor and making an appointment to be proactive during this time. Please know that I will delete any comments that are not supportive or are outright rude. I do not need that. I hesitated sharing this on my blog, but I've always been very open on here and wish to continue to be open.
Once I decided to go off the medication, I started researching other ways to manage moods more naturally. I have read extensive research on vitamin therapy. There is research to support that vitamins B, D and C can help with moods. There is also a supplement called myo-inositol that can greatly help with anxiety. It also has been proven effective in helping women with PCOS who also struggle with infertility.
"Myo-inositol is NOT a pharmaceutical drug. It is a naturally occurring substance produced in the human body that belongs to the vitamin B complex group. Myo-inositol is one of nine different types of inositol and can be found naturally in many foods such as fruits, nuts and beans. It is a precursor to a number of ”signaling molecules” that essentially tell cells how to behave. Of the nine different types of inositol, two have insulin-sensitizing capabilities: myo-inositol and d-chiro-inositol (My focus for this article is going to be on myo-inositol.) Myo-inositol is integral to properly functioning insulin-receptors and has also been linked to the activation of serotonin (a “feel good” hormone) receptors, which could relieve depression and improve appetite, mood and anxiety (1, 2)." De-Mystifying Myo-Inositol
I plan to continue to read more about Myo-Inositol. I have a friend who has had several consults with other clinics after suffering through several failed IVF cycles both in Rochester and Buffalo. She was recommended this supplement as part of an IVF regimen. She told me about, and I in turn told another friend about it who struggles with anxiety. This friend has since told me it has changed her life. In a matter of a couple of days. She has been taking it for about a week and "feels human again". Again, I am not a doctor. Please, if you wish to add anything to your daily regimen, talk to your doctor. I plan on talking to my doctor in Rochester after finding out about this gift money to see about adding Myo-Inositol.
In the meantime, I am starting a new vitamin regimen tomorrow. I currently take a prenatal and a B12. Once again, I am noticing pills in the toilet. I don't know what my crazy body is doing. And my doctor doesn't either. So I have decided to go to a powdered prenatal (Isotonix Prenatal) and B-complex (Isotonix B-Complex) vitamin. There are many advantages to Isotonix products. They become isotonic when mixed with water. Isotonic, which means “same pressure,” bears the same chemical resemblance of the body’s blood, plasma and tears. All fluids in the body have a certain concentration, referred to as osmotic pressure. The body’s common osmotic pressure, which is isotonic, allows a consistent maintenance of body tissues. In order for a substance to be absorbed and used in the body’s metabolism, it must be transported in an isotonic state. Isotonix dietary supplements are delivered in an isotonic solution. This means that the body has less work to do to in obtaining maximum absorption. The isotonic state of the suspension allows nutrients to pass directly into the small intestine and be rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream. With Isotonix products, little nutritive value is lost, making the absorption of nutrients highly efficient while delivering maximum results. The solutions offer the fastest and most efficient absorption of all oral forms of nutritional supplementation. Faster and more efficient absorption into the bloodstream increases the value of taking nutrient supplements. Isotonix solutions do not linger in the stomach. Because isotonic fluids pass through the stomach quickly and are rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream, many gastrointestinal discomforts can be avoided. Isotonix products are not encapsulated or compacted into a "pill form". There is no need for fillers, binders, coatings, lubricants, disintegrators or artificial coloring and flavoring. All Isotonix ingredients are from the finest naturally derived sources available.
I feel like I sound like a commercial. I apologize for that. I am just so excited to try something new that has the potential to help me feel so much better. I'm hoping I feel a difference relatively quickly. I will be sure to report back as to how I feel! Casey, my Isotonix "consultant", said with the B-complex I could feel a difference within a day or two in regards to my energy level.
I think that is all for now. How is THAT for an update?!
I promise not to disappear for so long again!
This morning I went to spinning class at World Gym. It was a 45 minute class and I burned 700 calories according to my heart rate monitor. Not too shabby. However, it was hard. I'm not in the best shape right now after struggling through several months of complacency. Time to kick it up a notch and find ways to fit in time to exercise again. At the beginning of the year when embarking on this lifestyle change, I would not allow myself to use "I don't have time" as an excuse. I MADE the time. Even though it really seems like I don't have the time right now, I have to find the time. If I go after rehearsal, I won't get home until close to 8. That is pretty late to eat dinner, wind down, finish up any last minute planning for school, not to mention do laundry, pick up, etc. The gym doesn't have morning classes that fit my schedule. I need to be at school by 7:30. The classes are all 6-7am, and that wouldn't leave me enough time to drive to work, let alone shower and get cleaned up. So, I'm not sure what to do. For now, I think I will definitely work out on Saturday and Sunday, and even if i just squeeze in 1-2 additional workouts for now during the week, it is surely better than nothing.
In terms of Weight Watchers, I feel like I'm finally back on track. I logged a 2.8 pound loss last week. That felt so good. I have a few more to go to get back to where I was in June. While it has saddened me to think about how much more weight I could have lost since June, I can't change the past, I can only make a plan to change the future and move forward.
In terms of infertility, you may recall I am now a patient of Strong Fertility in Rochester, about an hour from my house. The drive is nice and easy, but the other day when I had to go in the morning before work, it was tough. An hour there, and then an hour and twenty minutes back to work. I missed over 2 hours of work for a quick sonogram and blood work. But, I will do whatever I must to bring me closer to my goal of motherhood. I had to have AMH blood work (ovarian reserve test) and a sonogram. The clinic has gift money they are awarding patients, and I hope to be one of the ones they gift money to. I should find out tomorrow or Tuesday if we have been chosen. I am anxious and excited at the possibility of having another chance at pregnancy. It seems like each time I feel like a door slams in my face, another one opens for us. This is truly our last chance. We don't even have the money to cover the remaining costs of this cycle if we are awarded the money. But, I hope we can find a way. We haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it because if the clinic comes back and tells us we weren't chosen, all that time and energy would have been spent for nothing. We simply cannot fund an entire IVF cycle right now. I'm not sure how we could in the near future either. My union at work voted to take a pay cut, and my husband's hours have been limited as well. The debt is beginning to pile up. But, we keep plugging along. What else can one do?!
If we are chosen and can find a way to fund the remaining portion of the cycle, we would start with my next period in early December because the money has to be used before the calendar year ends. I'm currently on the pill in preparation for starting an IVF cycle. If it falls through, I would simply finish out this pill pack and then stop taking it anyhow. Perhaps we would do another IUI. Now that I think about it, I probably haven't updated since my repeat HSG.
If you recall, my paperwork from Buffalo was a disaster when I received it. While sorting through it, there were some red flags that stood out to me. One being that I was told after having a tubal cannulation surgery on May 5th, 2011 that my tube was indeed unblocked. At the repeat HSG test a few weeks after the surgery, the dye spilled into the tube and my doctor told me the surgery was a success! We went on to complete more IUI cycles, complete with a "chemical" pregnancy in September that most likely was another ectopic that resolved itself early on. Well, the report from that HSG indicated that while the tube was unblocked at the uterine end, it was blocked as well at the ovarian end. The doctor never told me that. In early October, I went out to Rochester for a repeat HSG to see what was going on. The dye did spill through the tube, but the tube is grossly enlarged and deformed at the ovarian end. Dr. Vitek, my Rochester doctor, said that we could do another IUI if this money doesn't come through or if we cannot find a way to fund the remaining portion of the IVF. She said we would be monitored closely if we achieve pregnancy through IUI to ensure it is not ectopic. If it were suspected to be ectopic, she said they would treat it right away. I told her that if it were a suspected ectopic, I would want to schedule surgery right away to remove the tube, eliminating the chances of another rupture. That was an extremely difficult situation and I don't want to repeat it. Honestly, doing another IUI scares me. It is so much more emotional for me than IVF. For an IUI, I would need my right ovary to produce eggs. And, historically it doesn't do much. My left is my dominant ovary, and for IUI, it does us no good to have mature follicles on the left and smaller ones on the right. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of doing another IUI, but I guess if it were my only shot, I would. I just don't know right now. And thankfully, I don't have to decide today.
In other news, I have decided to go off of my depression medications. I saw my psychiatrist a little over a week ago, and at that appointment we decided to leave things the same. I was on a relatively low dose of two medications, an anti-depressant and a mood stabilizer. My doctor always tells me that the risks are minimal, and that the mental well being of the mother far outweighs the risks. I always agreed, until last weekend. I was watching the news, and there was a feature story about women on SSRI medications having higher miscarriage rates. I researched further and found that over 40 studies link birth defects to children whose mothers were on SSRI meds. There are several studies also to support the theory that SSRI meds cause preterm births and higher rates of miscarriage. While the particular medications I am on are still considered "lower" risk even in light of this information, there is still a risk. One that I don't feel comfortable with. So, I called my psychiatrist and we talked on the phone for over 45 minutes. He doesn't really support my decision to discontinue meds, but ultimately I think he recognizes it is my decision. Historically, when trying to go off of meds, I manage for 2-5 months before ending up back in his office in tears unable to cope. I'm hoping that if I get pregnant, the joy of FINALLY being pregnant will ride me out for a bit. At least through the first trimester. The bottom line is I will never know unless I try. And I'm not willing to go into an IVF cycle, one which will cost me a great deal of money, knowing this information about increased miscarriage risks, and not do anything about it. I am going into this with an open mind, and am well aware I may end up back on the medication. So be it. I will ultimately feel better knowing I tried. I still agree that a healthy mother is better than an unhealthy one. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of my closest friends. They all know me very well, and often can identify before I can that things are heading downhill for me emotionally and mentally. I have agreed to listen to them. And if they recognize things heading in the wrong direction, I will call my doctor. I'm well aware of the fact that I very likely will end up back on medication. I am OK with that. However, I feel strongly about trying to manage through a pregnancy without them. Please understand that this is a very personal decision, and I do not feel it would be the right one for every woman on SSRI meds. Please respect it is MY decision. This decision has caused me a great deal of stress, especially given my doctor doesn't fully support it. I have always respected him, and continue to, therefore making it more difficult to go against his recommendation. I just hope that given I am taking better care of myself than I ever have (losing weight, exercising, etc.) I will manage OK. I also plan on calling my counselor and making an appointment to be proactive during this time. Please know that I will delete any comments that are not supportive or are outright rude. I do not need that. I hesitated sharing this on my blog, but I've always been very open on here and wish to continue to be open.
Once I decided to go off the medication, I started researching other ways to manage moods more naturally. I have read extensive research on vitamin therapy. There is research to support that vitamins B, D and C can help with moods. There is also a supplement called myo-inositol that can greatly help with anxiety. It also has been proven effective in helping women with PCOS who also struggle with infertility.
"Myo-inositol is NOT a pharmaceutical drug. It is a naturally occurring substance produced in the human body that belongs to the vitamin B complex group. Myo-inositol is one of nine different types of inositol and can be found naturally in many foods such as fruits, nuts and beans. It is a precursor to a number of ”signaling molecules” that essentially tell cells how to behave. Of the nine different types of inositol, two have insulin-sensitizing capabilities: myo-inositol and d-chiro-inositol (My focus for this article is going to be on myo-inositol.) Myo-inositol is integral to properly functioning insulin-receptors and has also been linked to the activation of serotonin (a “feel good” hormone) receptors, which could relieve depression and improve appetite, mood and anxiety (1, 2)." De-Mystifying Myo-Inositol
I plan to continue to read more about Myo-Inositol. I have a friend who has had several consults with other clinics after suffering through several failed IVF cycles both in Rochester and Buffalo. She was recommended this supplement as part of an IVF regimen. She told me about, and I in turn told another friend about it who struggles with anxiety. This friend has since told me it has changed her life. In a matter of a couple of days. She has been taking it for about a week and "feels human again". Again, I am not a doctor. Please, if you wish to add anything to your daily regimen, talk to your doctor. I plan on talking to my doctor in Rochester after finding out about this gift money to see about adding Myo-Inositol.
In the meantime, I am starting a new vitamin regimen tomorrow. I currently take a prenatal and a B12. Once again, I am noticing pills in the toilet. I don't know what my crazy body is doing. And my doctor doesn't either. So I have decided to go to a powdered prenatal (Isotonix Prenatal) and B-complex (Isotonix B-Complex) vitamin. There are many advantages to Isotonix products. They become isotonic when mixed with water. Isotonic, which means “same pressure,” bears the same chemical resemblance of the body’s blood, plasma and tears. All fluids in the body have a certain concentration, referred to as osmotic pressure. The body’s common osmotic pressure, which is isotonic, allows a consistent maintenance of body tissues. In order for a substance to be absorbed and used in the body’s metabolism, it must be transported in an isotonic state. Isotonix dietary supplements are delivered in an isotonic solution. This means that the body has less work to do to in obtaining maximum absorption. The isotonic state of the suspension allows nutrients to pass directly into the small intestine and be rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream. With Isotonix products, little nutritive value is lost, making the absorption of nutrients highly efficient while delivering maximum results. The solutions offer the fastest and most efficient absorption of all oral forms of nutritional supplementation. Faster and more efficient absorption into the bloodstream increases the value of taking nutrient supplements. Isotonix solutions do not linger in the stomach. Because isotonic fluids pass through the stomach quickly and are rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream, many gastrointestinal discomforts can be avoided. Isotonix products are not encapsulated or compacted into a "pill form". There is no need for fillers, binders, coatings, lubricants, disintegrators or artificial coloring and flavoring. All Isotonix ingredients are from the finest naturally derived sources available.
I feel like I sound like a commercial. I apologize for that. I am just so excited to try something new that has the potential to help me feel so much better. I'm hoping I feel a difference relatively quickly. I will be sure to report back as to how I feel! Casey, my Isotonix "consultant", said with the B-complex I could feel a difference within a day or two in regards to my energy level.
I think that is all for now. How is THAT for an update?!
I promise not to disappear for so long again!
Monday, September 24, 2012
The Three D's...
I'm currently re-reading Eat That Frog! by Brian Tracy. While the information contained in the book certainly isn't new or earth-shattering, it is a well written look at how to stop procrastinating and getting your priorities in order.
I'm reading each chapter (the book is only 128 pages - a very quick read) and really putting some thought into how the principles apply to my life. I'm finding my daily to-do list getting longer and longer and I'm procrastinating more and more. To the point of avoiding what are probably the most important tasks in my life...
In the Introduction, we are introduced to The Three D's of New Habit Formation. It states, "You need three key qualities to develop the habits of focus and concentration, which are all learnable. They are decision, discipline, and determination. First, make a decision to develop the habit of task completion. Second, discipline yourself to practice the principles you are about to learn over and over until they become automatic. And third, back everything you do with determination until the habit is locked in and becomes a permanent part of your personality."
These "Three D's" really strike a chord with me right now in my life. As you all know, I'm struggling greatly with resuming my weight-loss journey. (I'm trying to look at the fact that we are unable to do an IVF cycle right now as an opportunity to continue my weight loss journey. Some days I believe that having no money right now is a good thing because it allows me time to continue to lose weight and get healthier. Other days, not so much.) So often on my journey, people ask me what motivates me. I've blogged before about Motivation, and while getting pregnant should be my motivator, I still stand behind the idea that determination is what keeps me moving forward (with the occasional backslide - hey, I'm only human).
I came home from work today and wanted so badly to lay on the couch and nap. Then I remembered reading about "The Three D's", and I decided I would go to the gym instead. I decided I would keep going until it becomes automatic again. I. Am. Determined. I recognize I will struggle some days. I recognize I am not perfect. I recognize each day I will have to make decisions and follow through with determination. (Even when I would rather lay on the couch.)
Finally, I recognize that I have come so far, and I simply cannot allow myself to go back to where I was.
I'm reading each chapter (the book is only 128 pages - a very quick read) and really putting some thought into how the principles apply to my life. I'm finding my daily to-do list getting longer and longer and I'm procrastinating more and more. To the point of avoiding what are probably the most important tasks in my life...
In the Introduction, we are introduced to The Three D's of New Habit Formation. It states, "You need three key qualities to develop the habits of focus and concentration, which are all learnable. They are decision, discipline, and determination. First, make a decision to develop the habit of task completion. Second, discipline yourself to practice the principles you are about to learn over and over until they become automatic. And third, back everything you do with determination until the habit is locked in and becomes a permanent part of your personality."
These "Three D's" really strike a chord with me right now in my life. As you all know, I'm struggling greatly with resuming my weight-loss journey. (I'm trying to look at the fact that we are unable to do an IVF cycle right now as an opportunity to continue my weight loss journey. Some days I believe that having no money right now is a good thing because it allows me time to continue to lose weight and get healthier. Other days, not so much.) So often on my journey, people ask me what motivates me. I've blogged before about Motivation, and while getting pregnant should be my motivator, I still stand behind the idea that determination is what keeps me moving forward (with the occasional backslide - hey, I'm only human).
I came home from work today and wanted so badly to lay on the couch and nap. Then I remembered reading about "The Three D's", and I decided I would go to the gym instead. I decided I would keep going until it becomes automatic again. I. Am. Determined. I recognize I will struggle some days. I recognize I am not perfect. I recognize each day I will have to make decisions and follow through with determination. (Even when I would rather lay on the couch.)
Finally, I recognize that I have come so far, and I simply cannot allow myself to go back to where I was.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Setting goals...
This has been One. Hard. Month. I really thought (shame on me) that the return of daily routine would automatically bring with it the return of a fitness/food routine. Boy, was I wrong. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I need to work hard to regain my momentum. How the heck did I lose the weight I did? I feel like I have no idea where to begin again. Not to mention that it makes me so sad to think about "starting again" when I really should have never "stopped".
I feel like I have no time to exercise or plan like I used to. I'm tired and am feeling a lot of stress with work. I feel like I'm spread too thin. But, no way can I allow myself to continue backsliding like I am. I'm tired of watching the scale go up. I'm tired of feeling out of control.
The following quote really struck a chord with me - "If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."
his week's goals are:
1. I will schedule in gym time for the week. This week is extremely busy, but I can't keep making excuses. I need to get back to prioritizing, and that means making time for ME. There was a time, not that long ago, where I would not let anything get in the way of my gym time. My goal this week is three trips to the gym. I will also contemplate setting a new fitness goal (perhaps another 5K). I also plan on revisiting a book I bought after reading about it on another blog (but I never actually read it), The New Rules of Lifting for Women.
2. I will plan what I will make and eat the next few days. (I will focus on portion control and the healthy guidelines that WW maps out.)
3. I will visit some of my favorite WW-friendly food sites to plan out some upcoming meals.
4. I will get back to tracking my food this week.
5. I will one again ban soda, and I will limit my wine consumption (honestly tracking the points for each glass I have).
6. I will reread my WW Week 1 book to refocus my mind to the task at hand and give me a new member mentality in an effort to motivate me to get back on track.
7. I will create some sort of accountability system for myself. On pinterest, I saw an idea where someone put $1 in a jar every time they worked out and set a goal that they would do something fun when it reached a certain amount. I'm thinking of doing that, and adding in $5 for every pound I lose. I'm thinking that would help motivate me as all that money could hopefully go towards a future IVF cycle.
8. I will spend some time on weightwatchers.com reading success stories and looking for some motivation.
9. I will remind myself daily that I did this before, and I can do it again.
10. I will re-enlist the help/support of friends to keep me on track.
I know for me it is a constant mind game. I need to be stronger in my mind and keep my ultimate goal in the forefront of my mind. I've also seen people write goals on post it notes and hang them in places visible to them daily. I'm thinking about writing down my weight on a post it note each week and hanging it on the fridge. I'm also thinking of finding and writing out a motivational quote each week to focus on.
The bottom line is, I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I've not given up, and that is the greatest gift I've ever given to myself.
I feel like I have no time to exercise or plan like I used to. I'm tired and am feeling a lot of stress with work. I feel like I'm spread too thin. But, no way can I allow myself to continue backsliding like I am. I'm tired of watching the scale go up. I'm tired of feeling out of control.
The following quote really struck a chord with me - "If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else."
his week's goals are:
1. I will schedule in gym time for the week. This week is extremely busy, but I can't keep making excuses. I need to get back to prioritizing, and that means making time for ME. There was a time, not that long ago, where I would not let anything get in the way of my gym time. My goal this week is three trips to the gym. I will also contemplate setting a new fitness goal (perhaps another 5K). I also plan on revisiting a book I bought after reading about it on another blog (but I never actually read it), The New Rules of Lifting for Women.
2. I will plan what I will make and eat the next few days. (I will focus on portion control and the healthy guidelines that WW maps out.)
3. I will visit some of my favorite WW-friendly food sites to plan out some upcoming meals.
4. I will get back to tracking my food this week.
5. I will one again ban soda, and I will limit my wine consumption (honestly tracking the points for each glass I have).
6. I will reread my WW Week 1 book to refocus my mind to the task at hand and give me a new member mentality in an effort to motivate me to get back on track.
7. I will create some sort of accountability system for myself. On pinterest, I saw an idea where someone put $1 in a jar every time they worked out and set a goal that they would do something fun when it reached a certain amount. I'm thinking of doing that, and adding in $5 for every pound I lose. I'm thinking that would help motivate me as all that money could hopefully go towards a future IVF cycle.
8. I will spend some time on weightwatchers.com reading success stories and looking for some motivation.
9. I will remind myself daily that I did this before, and I can do it again.
10. I will re-enlist the help/support of friends to keep me on track.
I know for me it is a constant mind game. I need to be stronger in my mind and keep my ultimate goal in the forefront of my mind. I've also seen people write goals on post it notes and hang them in places visible to them daily. I'm thinking about writing down my weight on a post it note each week and hanging it on the fridge. I'm also thinking of finding and writing out a motivational quote each week to focus on.
The bottom line is, I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I've not given up, and that is the greatest gift I've ever given to myself.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Mish mash...
Last week, I returned to work. I'm an 8th grade special education teacher. This year, in addition to my 8th grade consultant teaching and resource room teaching duties, I am also teaching AIS ELA for 7th grade and AIS Math for 6th and 7th grade. (AIS stands for Academic Intervention Services.) In no way am I unhappy that I am teaching AIS, however, I am frustrated that I wasn't notified until the day before school started that I was teaching it. Especially given it is 6th and 7th grade. I have no resources for AIS, and am scrambling daily to keep my head above water. I enjoy my job (the part that actually includes working with the kids, that is), but feel like this year I am not being given the support to be successful at it. I know I'm not the only teacher in my building and/or district who feels this way. This is especially frustrating given that teachers are being evaluated by a new system this year, affectionately known as APPR. This new teacher evaluation system is a major sticking point in the current Chicago teachers strike. I will refrain from climbing on my soapbox and discussing my personal feelings about APPR today. Maybe in a future post...
Last Tuesday, while at work, Dr. Vitek from Rochester called. She said the team met (their clinic doctors work as a team and discuss every case to form a plan), and that they all agreed IVF is our best option. However, she did say, given our insurance coverage, that she could repeat the HSG test to check the right tube. She said sometimes tubes spasm during the test. It can't hurt. My insurance will cover it. If on the off chance the tube isn't blocked, we could use our two remaining injectable/IUI cycles covered by insurance. If those don't work, we will have stockpiled some more meds for an IVF cycle. My meds start expiring in the early part of next year, so I am hoping we can figure this all out by then. So, I will call with the start of my next period and schedule the HSG (which will occur between days 5 and 12 of my cycle). If my cycle remains 28 days as it has been the past several months (before this last IUI), I should expect my period towards the end of next week. I am not going into the test hoping for an unblocked tube; I am really doing it more for peace of mind and confirmation.
Returning to work last week brought with it a return to a routine. I've learned that I need routine in my life to be successful with my weight loss goals. This summer was especially hard. No routine = no weight loss. In fact, I gained. I'm ashamed to admit that, but there is no way around it. When I weighed in last week, I was up 12.4 pounds. That is how EASY it is for me to gain weight. 12.4 pounds since June 12th. 12.4 pounds in 12 weeks. So, in essence, I gained about a pound a week this summer. No bueno! When I weighed in last night, after one week back on plan, I was down 6.4 pounds!!! So, 6 more pounds to go to get to pre-summer weight. I HATE having to re-lose weight I've already lost. My short-term goal is to lose 7 more pounds by the end of September so I can enter the 220's! (I'm not sure if I ever admitted what my starting weight was on here. I guess now is as good a time as ever. My starting weight, right after my IVF failed in January, was 280.6 pounds. I cringe when I think back to that weight.
I'm going to share a picture I never thought I'd share on my blog. This picture is actually two pictures side by side - my school picture from September 2011 on the left, and my new license picture from August 2012 on the right. I can't believe the difference I see between the two pictures. When I look at myself everyday, it isn't easy to see a difference. But, after looking at these pictures, WOW!!
Lots of people at work, who haven't seen me all summer, are complimenting me on how I look. At first, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now, I LOVE it! Why not take credit where credit is due?! I worked HARD to lose the weight I've lost and I feel good about it. Now, I just have to keep it up!
Oh, how could I forget to mention that I signed up for an adult Hip Hop class at a local dance studio?! The class is on Tuesday nights from 7:30-8:30. Last night was the first class, and all I can say about it is that it was HARD. My friends Phoebe and Elisabete (who I met at Infertility Support Group in 2010) are doing the class as well. I can imagine some of the questions people have....
1. No, I have NEVER danced before.
2. Yes, there is a recital in June.
3. Yes, I will be participating in the recital.
4. Yes, there will be costumes and I will wear one!
As always, thanks for checking in!
Last Tuesday, while at work, Dr. Vitek from Rochester called. She said the team met (their clinic doctors work as a team and discuss every case to form a plan), and that they all agreed IVF is our best option. However, she did say, given our insurance coverage, that she could repeat the HSG test to check the right tube. She said sometimes tubes spasm during the test. It can't hurt. My insurance will cover it. If on the off chance the tube isn't blocked, we could use our two remaining injectable/IUI cycles covered by insurance. If those don't work, we will have stockpiled some more meds for an IVF cycle. My meds start expiring in the early part of next year, so I am hoping we can figure this all out by then. So, I will call with the start of my next period and schedule the HSG (which will occur between days 5 and 12 of my cycle). If my cycle remains 28 days as it has been the past several months (before this last IUI), I should expect my period towards the end of next week. I am not going into the test hoping for an unblocked tube; I am really doing it more for peace of mind and confirmation.
Returning to work last week brought with it a return to a routine. I've learned that I need routine in my life to be successful with my weight loss goals. This summer was especially hard. No routine = no weight loss. In fact, I gained. I'm ashamed to admit that, but there is no way around it. When I weighed in last week, I was up 12.4 pounds. That is how EASY it is for me to gain weight. 12.4 pounds since June 12th. 12.4 pounds in 12 weeks. So, in essence, I gained about a pound a week this summer. No bueno! When I weighed in last night, after one week back on plan, I was down 6.4 pounds!!! So, 6 more pounds to go to get to pre-summer weight. I HATE having to re-lose weight I've already lost. My short-term goal is to lose 7 more pounds by the end of September so I can enter the 220's! (I'm not sure if I ever admitted what my starting weight was on here. I guess now is as good a time as ever. My starting weight, right after my IVF failed in January, was 280.6 pounds. I cringe when I think back to that weight.
I'm going to share a picture I never thought I'd share on my blog. This picture is actually two pictures side by side - my school picture from September 2011 on the left, and my new license picture from August 2012 on the right. I can't believe the difference I see between the two pictures. When I look at myself everyday, it isn't easy to see a difference. But, after looking at these pictures, WOW!!
Lots of people at work, who haven't seen me all summer, are complimenting me on how I look. At first, it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now, I LOVE it! Why not take credit where credit is due?! I worked HARD to lose the weight I've lost and I feel good about it. Now, I just have to keep it up!
Oh, how could I forget to mention that I signed up for an adult Hip Hop class at a local dance studio?! The class is on Tuesday nights from 7:30-8:30. Last night was the first class, and all I can say about it is that it was HARD. My friends Phoebe and Elisabete (who I met at Infertility Support Group in 2010) are doing the class as well. I can imagine some of the questions people have....
1. No, I have NEVER danced before.
2. Yes, there is a recital in June.
3. Yes, I will be participating in the recital.
4. Yes, there will be costumes and I will wear one!
As always, thanks for checking in!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Closet Purging...
This morning, I took on the dreaded task of weeding/purging/organizing my closet. 5 hours later, 106 empty hangers, and 10, yes 10, thirty-gallon trash bags filled to the max , I'm happy to report I'm finished! I got rid of all my too-big, outdated and/or worn out clothes. I said goodbye to some of my favorites, but created space for some new favorites! I feel I could weed out a few more pieces, but for now, I feel good about what I accomplished! My new rule - when something comes in, something goes out!
Some pictures of my project....
Some pictures of my project....
Before
Before
Clothes to get rid of...
106 empty hangers....
Shane isn't as excited as I am about this project!
AFTER!!
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