4dp3dt...

Today, I am 4dp3dt. After getting the news yesterday that we had no embryos make it to freeze and being upset about that, I am happy to be feeling optimistic again today.

Each night, I do a meditation from my Circle & Bloom program. Last night was especially good.

I was asked to envision a chalkboard, and then to write all of my negative feelings on the chalkboard. The negative feelings could be about this cycle in particular, or infertility in general. The narrator explains that expressing these negative thoughts "out loud" cannot hurt the growing embryos inside me, but holding onto these feelings can.

Some of the fears/negative feelings I wrote on my chalkboard:
-Why do I struggle to become pregnant while others achieve pregnancy so easily?
-What if this cycle doesn't work?
-Why can't I be a mother?
-This is all my fault. It is my body that doesn't work.
-Why me?
-How will I cope if I can never have children?

I know that some of these thoughts seem irrational to the average person. But as someone who has struggled with infertility for several years now, they are my reality. Day in and day out, I hold these thoughts and fears.

After "writing" these thoughts on my chalkboard, I erased them, letting them go. At first, I didn't think this would make a difference, but let me tell you, it did! I felt a sense of relief; I felt at peace. I will continue to remind myself that I wiped my chalkboard clean in an effort to remain positive during this cycle. In fact, I will repeat this meditation exercise again tonight, and as often as I need to.

The two week wait (2ww) is the hardest part of a cycle. And, I'm in the thick of it. According to the chart I posted a couple of days ago, today my blastocyst(s) is continuing to hatch out of its shell and beginning to attach to the uterus. Tomorrow, implantation begins. I've had some very minor cramping today. This does not mean anything one way or the other. I wish I could see inside my body and know exactly what is happening. It is so hard not knowing...

I've been consuming pineapple core each day since my transfer. Pineapple core has bromelain in it, which helps with implantation. Call me crazy....but I'll try just about anything if it has the potential to help me achieve pregnancy.

Today was my first day back to work since my transfer. While I thought being busy would help keep my mind from thinking about my cycle, I was clearly wrong. I still thought about it all day long. But I'm OK with that as long as my thoughts are positive and optimistic!

Keep the positive thoughts and prayers coming! We need them and appreciate them more than ever!!